Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Steady Progress in Global War on Virginity


As our Annual Report consistently shows, Blader Industries, Inc., has generously sponsored various copulation science research activities at any number of private institutes world-wide, with no strings attached. Our corporate mission is to get people copulating, because a virgin is obviously NOT a potential customer.

So you can only imagine I'm speckled to the point of flatulence to share with you early notice of ground breaking research from the Guttmacher Institute, which demonstrates for the first time that only 10% of newly married people are virgins. Clearly, we are making substantial progress in the Global War on Virginity.

But a word of warning. Suffice it to say, as the accompanying picture attests, our opposition is well-armed, ruthless, and no less committed to their cause then are we.

Our corporate motto at Blader Industries, Inc., is "A copulating customer is a happy customer" and so it is quite gratifying to see these attempts from our competitors to encourage abstinence among our potential customer base are falling limp.

The Flower of Depravity and the Root of Evil

This is one weird coincidence.

Yesterday, after checking the mail, I spied a dandelion on my front lawn, and in a flash all my mind could see was the flower of all depravity, and no doubts, from the Root of all Evil.

It was a cold, stark vision. Almost disabling but not exactly.

So I went back to the garage and came back to blast that bitch with a couple of pumps of Roundup (2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid).

God, that felt good. I haven't sleep better in months.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Victory in Major Battle of Global War on Evolution

Colleagues-With both immutable glee and a considerable immutable resolve I write this memo to share some glorious news. Not long ago, with the darkly stunning decision of our leaders to protect a vast marine island habitat, we experienced a major setback in the global war on evolution, one that caused me considerable grief and despair.

This is a war we MUST continue to fight, and not waver in our resolve, if we have any hope of ridding the diabolical scourge of evolution on this planet.

But, oh how quickly our spirits can be lifted!!!

I've just received this confidential document from a Blader Industries, Inc. associate running deep cover in a brothel located on the outskirts of the Hong Kong city center. I don't need to add that she secured this information at great personal risk of contracting a venereal disease. But I digress.

The document describes that a group of Darwinists out on chautauqua have concluded the inevitable extinction of a large fish, the rare white river dolphin or baiji (Lipotes vexillifer), a species thought to have migrated into and populated the Yangtze River basin some 20 million years ago. Talk about wearing out your welcome!! LOL!!

Well, I could go on and on, particularly about the wisdom of a large fish "evolving" that is completely incapable of breathing underwater, but here is the money shot:
Randall Reeves, chairman of the Swiss-based World Conservation Union's Cetacean Specialist Group, who took part in the Yangtze mission, said expedition participants were surprised at how quickly the dolphins disappeared.

"Some of us didn't want to believe that this would really happen, especially so quickly," he said. "This particular species is the only living representative of a whole family of mammals. This is the end of a whole branch of evolution."

That's our mission colleagues. Let's once again become masters of our own destiny: Let's end evolution, one whole branch at a time.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Intromission Lost

Further evidence that points to the diabolic nature of evolution: Now the Darwinists would have you believe that it is possible to evolve a penis only to lose it.


This is EXACTLY like the lame actor who stands in the closet doorway and says, "Now I'm in the room." Before stepping back and saying, "Now I'm out." And on and on and on.

You don't just throw away perfectly designed and useful organs, especially sexual organs, for no good reason.

And besides, do you understand what this new 'theory' predicts? It predicts that men could just spontaneously lose their penis's. What is more shocking, our women would NOT care about it one way or the other!!!

These ideas completely strain credulity.

Do they bother with any 'alternative' theories? Like the possibility that the animals that actually lost their penis's chose to go onto a soybean rich diet and might have 'lost' their penis because they were turning gay?

Not at all. The only theory they can come up with is that male species lose their penis's because of evolution.

Well, as much as I feel this work can be discredited in so many ways, at the same time, I cannot imagine a greater threat to our industry sector, not to mention the future reproductive viability of our species, should these ideas take hold.

Therefore, I'm pleased to announce that Blader Industries, Inc. is donating $1million to the Copulation Market Sector Political Action Committee to underwrite several activities under the general umbrella of the newly formed "Save Our Penis's Campaign."

Jim Rutz Shoots for Straights: Declares Economic Jihad on Heartland

Colleagues- I'm pleased to the point of flatulence that my good friend and fellow intellectual visionary Jim Rutz has chosen to release and discuss his key research findings that prove without any controversy whatsoever that Soy is making kids 'gay'.

This groundbreaking work convincingly demonstrates that devilish estrogen-like chemicals in soybean products cause COMPLETELY NORMAL children to have many, many feminine characteristics, including small penises!!! Naturally, these traits are the key hallmarks of deviant homosexuals and have been extremely difficult to eradicate from our species using only selective breeding programs.

Well, duh! Now we know why!!!

Worse, soy products are proven DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for a vicious cancer outbreak, notably leukemia in children, who if they survive are destined to grow up to be gay. It is impossible to imagine anything more horrible than to have a child who survives cancer only to grow up and choose to be a homosexual.

Thankfully, Jim's research shows that soy sauce is perfectly safe because, "it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure." Before we move into the heartland to tear every soybean plant from the soil and burn them in a collective hellfire, we should calculate how many plants will be necessary to produce enough soy sauce for all those delicious. low priced and convenient Chinese dishes we have learned to enjoy.

If I'm not already on record with respect to this matter, suffice it to say that nothing threatens the continued vigor and growth of the copulation industry sector than homosexuality. And nothing threatens the fate of humanity, than a threat to copulation: As St. Paul should have said but apparently forgot, Nos concubitus proinde nos futurus.

We must NEVER forget what happened to the passenger pigeon!!

Since that fateful day when man first gave up his baculum so that God could create woman, oh! what I would give to have been there, he has endeavored tirelessly for well over 6,000 years to keep the 'black sheep' out of the human family. And with his gifts of knowledge, man eventually deduced this could be achieved by not copulating with pigmented women.

Good enough.

Now, thanks to Jim Rutz, we have a potent weapon to keep pink sheep out of our families: the soy-free diet plan, except for soy sauce. We will confidently enjoy watching all of our progeny grow up as white as they should be, completely free from worry they might turn into homosexuals. Not only that, we shake off this crucial threat to the propagation of our species!!!

In closing, I would like to simply encourage you to go to his website and read the Humble Autobiography of Jim Rutz. It is a truly remarkable, inspiring and deeply thrilling story. What an interesting man!! What a humble man!!!

If I had but one small criticism, its that I'd like for him to share some reflection and remembrance of his days as a zygote. Boy! Would that have been interesting!!

But, there I go into my petty "critique" mode again...LOL!! Truly, as he says, his influence is "accelerating faster and faster." I'd also be redundant if I said any more about him, so I think I'll slow down and stop and finish there.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Meet our new Chief of Meteorological Services

Colleagues-It tickles me to the point of flatulence to announce that Blader Industries, Inc., has dipped its toes into the cool pond of the past to leap into the hot fires of the future in hiring our new Corporate Chief of Meterological Services, Mr. Jimmy Inhofe.

As past-chair of the US Senate chautauqua on the environment and trade, Jimmy assures me that he knows a whole heck of a lot about climatology, and better yet, isn't afraid of telling people all about EXACTLY what he knows.

Jimmy comes from a long line of men who know something about air, air quality, and especially hot air. In fact, when he first stepped into my office, I couldn't shake the uncanny resemblance he shares with Herr Reichsmarshall Hermann Goering, quite an airman himself back in his glory days!!! So in tribute, we had our crack team of photographers make a very special corporate ID/Access badge just for him.

Well, we couldn't be more fortunate to have someone like Jimmy on our staff. He completes us in ways I haven't felt since we hired on Madge, our bonobo queen.

His role is to advise all Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues on their long term climatological projection needs. At this very moment, Jimmy is consulting with me on a parcel of Alaskan glacier ski property I'm looking to purchase for those special summer weekend getaway staff rewards.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Dear Colleagues Memo v1.02: Censorship

It has come to my attention that certain of our middle managers, a self-styled group of moderators, have appointed themselves as "de facto" corporate censors, inserting themselves into the free speech patterns of our many, many corporate colleagues and associates.

A few of these latter colleagues and associates have, with great trepidation, visited me in the penthouse suite at One Blader Plaza, to inform me of this situation and to share with me their deep concerns that they no longer feel free to speak within our halls with an open mind.

Let me simply say from the outset in no uncertain terms, that OUR OFFICIAL corporate policy is one of openess and complete unfettered access to YOUR right of free speech. Bluntly, I do not wish to receive the streams of your important and vital memoranda filtered through the hate speech of other colleagues and associates who believe they can speak better for you. If I wanted that, I would fire YOU and hire only THEM, perhaps even give them suites with private washrooms and other accoutrements in the high style to which we all have become accustomed given the exhuberance of the marketplace for our corporate value!

I'm certain it hasn't escaped your attention as to exactly what we might become as a society if we sat by idly while the censors, representing a dominant ruling class, itself full of fetid and mysogenistic prejudices, executed a complete grab on political and military power. It would be an awful calamity, as all you could offer for resistance is nothing more than a silent scream.

And so as to embolden you, I asked our crack team of historians at Blader Industries, Inc. to provide some historical documentation that the forces of evil can be stopped by those who are willing to speak up.

They sent me this most remarkable photograph of gentlemen representing a small platoon of moderators of a fascist state running down the street of an eastern European ghetto. And who were they running from, you might ask? They were running for their lives from the forces of unfettered freedom!!!!

So join me, in proclaiming, I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

After a short break, I expect that you'll return to your duties.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dad, get me out of this!!!

"Somehow I got stuck.....and I'm down on my luck....."

Reminds me of a time when I was 17, out on my very first wilderness expedition chautauqua in the mountains, thousands of miles away from home. After three weeks in the hills, eating only dried food and whatever trout we could catch, I came down to a little valley town, where I frittered away my greyhound bus money on a 3 day pizza, poptart and beer binge.

I had just enough left over to call dad, who wired me a Western Union cashiers check, just enough to find my way back home.

It is a good thing that a father can save the son. So seeing 41 save the sorry ass of 43 reminds me exactly of my first great adventure away from home. But not precisely.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

My Interview of JDerion on National TV

As you can see, I think it went well, even though he was typically evasive when directly questioned on certain 'matters'.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Memo: Sexual harassment training session

From: Blader, aka Fearless Leader, CEO and so forth and et cetera
To: Blader Industries, Inc. Colleagues
Re: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Intranet Chautauqua

In order to comply with article VII of Title IX, VII or X, III of XI and II of XII in the 8,987 pp OHSA WorkPlace Standards Manual, abridged version, as you know we conduct monthly case studies on sexual harassment from the comfort of our tastefully appointed offices via intranet chautauqua. So I now ask that you pull up a chair, smoke if you got 'em, and begin to discuss amongst yourselves the following question:

Is the apparent male authority figure in this training video fondling the apparent submissive female in a sexually suggestive manner, or did he simply see an extremely large pimple suddenly grow inbetween her scapulae, and grabbed her only to squeeze the puss out of it before it exploded on its own?

Alternately, did she 'ask for it' by her sexually provocative attire and the way she sat upright in the chair and was giving everyone else in the conference room those 'bedroom eyes'?

As usual, don't forget to provide a written summary of your discussion, not to exceed 14 words and two punctuation marks. As usual, the most poignant summary will be posted on the lobby wall downstairs for all of next month.

Selling Memorabilia, has it come to this?

Colleagues, you may have heard that I've been banned from the Hall of Fame. Allegedly their collective will, according to JDerion, who no doubt spearheaded the campaign against me. I'm fine with that. I really didn't ever "aspire" or even perspire to be in the Hall of Fame. The notoriety might have put me in a higher class for royalty income proceeds, but other than that, it would have just been another chautauqua in a long line of chautauquas to attend.

Nevertheless, I was counting on that income and had budgeted accordingly. So the news that I won't make it is a call to make some adjustments in my personal financial situaiton.

Besides my health, I suppose my next greatest asset would have to be my extensive collection of sports memorabilia. So I've decided to sell it all off to raise some funds, and if I raise enough money, I might even give a third of it to the United Nations, an idea I'm sure has never wandered into the mind of Pete Rose.

To enhance the value of my collection, I've made a strategic decision to autograph the whole lot of it!! I hope the auction goes well. Bid fast and furiously, as if the future of the world depended upon it.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Vote a Straight Republican Ticket

No more gays in congress! LOL!! We've had more than enough 'bad news' because of them, and its taking us "off target".

Every once in a while it is important for those of us in the corporate world to stand up and make a stand.

Here's a list I had our Public Service Subsidiary construct of the Republican candidates, please do your vetting and then vote as you see fit.


--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Dealing with Disgruntled Employees

It is always a great challenge, I can tell you that. And I can't say that I've got the "one-size-fits-all-of-them- all-of-the-time-usually" answer, either. And fortunately its rare at our conglomerate. But we see it from time to time.

Take Mabs, for instance. She was a down on her luck bonobo, well, maybe "down on her luck" isn't the best way to describe her. Let's just say she was spinning her wheels, eeking out a sustenance existence, copulating with just about whoever and whatever wandered along, on a quiet Congo River tributary, when she was discovered by a crack team of our talent agents out on an African expedition chautauqua.

They enticed her to come back with them by offering her, along with a bucket of fresh tropical fruits, the standard, generous compensation package all of our colleagues receive, including a windowed office at our corporate headquarters, One Blader Plaza. So it's not as if we simply captured her. Mabs came willingly, and the only reason she was transported back in a cage was so as not to get stuck in a long line at immigration after the flight.

After she got here, things got much better for her than our scouts first assumed. Unbeknownst to them, I was working on the PLAYBONOBO concept and it was immediately obvious to me that, with professional air brushing, she would be perfect as our inaugural issue centerfold Playbonobomate!!

Boom! Our first issue is out and now she is a rising star, and I'm told the folks over at the National Enquirer have made some calls and are interested in doing a half-page interview with her!

Well, Mabs called up to my office this morning and somewhat brusquely demanded a meeting, which we've just finished. It didn't go well. She walked in the door, and defecated into her hand saying, "Ooh, ooh, oh, ooh-ooh" which roughly translated means, "If you don't renegotiate my contract, I'm going to fling this pile of shaz all over your curtains."

Can you believe that?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

It's Worse Than We Thought


Clearly, you can now understand why you've received a notice that the terrorist threat level has been changed from "Medium Rare" to "Rare", our highest level of vigilance.

My crack team of analysts have just informed me that, and I quote, "The latest JDerion tape indicates we may have erred in describing the first as "a call to jihad via the medium of interpretive dance.' Indeed, the second clandestine video appears to indicate that JDerion has acquired the capability of a Shaman, and intends to use dance as a weapon of mass destruction, mostly for deployment against iconic landmarks of major societies worldwide."

Since I can think of no landmark in this country more 'iconic' than One Blader Plaza, JDerions intentions vis-a-vis the US are quite obvious. As such I'm ordering all colleagues who work at the rank of Vice President and higher to obtain first class airfare and plan to reconnoiter at the designated chautauqua site, which is, ahem, NOT at the Bikini Atoll in case JDerion is listening.

JDerion 'Chatter' Elevated-Threat Imminent

I've just received a disturbing package from one of our operatives who had been tracking JDerion. He had spotted him in Belarus but we haven't heard from him since that communique and we fear the worst, so we've gone ahead and cut the operative and his family off our generous medical plan. But I digress.

Our crack team of analysts have had a chance to review the contents of the most recent package and have rendered the following summary:

"Mr. JDerion is using the medium of interpretive dance to call for a global jihad. Please pass the mashed potatoes."

There you have it, colleagues. This man is truly a menace. As a result, the Homeland Security subsidiary of Blader Industries, Inc., feels compelled to raise the threat warning to 'Medium Rare' and urges great caution, vigilance, and a gentle reminder to vote a Straight Republican ticket in November. For the sake of God, let's not elect any more homo's to congress!!!

The Tragedy of Arnesto Martinez

I've asked my secretary to make sure this one get's out on the corporate intranet, with my recommendation that Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues go home and hug their dog tonight. There is a message here. I'm not exactly sure what the message is, but if I'm not mistaken, it seems like a tale as old as time.

Monday, October 23, 2006

PLAYBONOBO, our newest print media play

Colleagues, I'm pleasured almost to the point of flatulance to announce Blader Industries, Inc's., newest foray into the media sector. Playbonobo comes on the heals of our successful rollout of Bladerpalooza, and seeks to achieve certain synergies and economies of scale in the media sector that are only possible through print. What is PLAYBONOBO? PLAYBONOBO is entertainment for primates.

I got the idea the other night while watching The Girls Next Door, you know, the episode where Kendra visited her mother's condo complex with Hef and the other girls. At the same time, because unlike bonobos I can multitask, I was reading about some Blader Industries, Inc., sponsored research indicating women are 'turned on' by bonobo porn.

Well, it didn't take me long to put two and two together and voila! PLAYBONOBO was born! Our target market is men who 'bring home the bacon' who can use PLAYBONOBO as a tool to help make their women more receptive and thereby enhance their copulatory and evolutionary potential. Our crack team of sales associates is looking to find shelf space in stores that sell bacon, and our chosen marketing jingo for the campaign will be, "Why don't you bring something else home she would like along with that slab of bacon."

It has not escaped our notice that a secondary market niche for PLAYBONOBO will be primate research colonies throughout the world. We're actually looking to create in-kind synergies and economies of scale and what not with such enterprises. For example, in turn for a complementary subscription to PLAYBONOBO, we'd ask primate research facilities for permission to exploit their research results for commercial gain, etc and so forth. Stuff like that.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I've Changed My Mind

I think Ann Coulter takes herself seriously.

I used to think that after one of her college performances she'd go backstage and say to anybody within earshot, "can you believe how those idiots out there are buying this crap I'm shoveling? I'm a performer, and yet they've taking me seriously. What a hoot!"

And then I'd imagined she'd have a big guffaw, light up a cigarette and take a big hit off a brewski while she rubbed the check for her $25K speaking fee up and down her crotch a few times so it can pick up the scent while saying, "Yeah, baby! In God we effing trust, you betcha!"

But I don't believe that anymore, at all.

Now I think she really believes in what she is saying.

People are weird in that way sometimes.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Bush Orchestrates Major Setback in Global War on Evolution

I awoke yesterday from a long sleep, deeply disappointed to see that my good friend and former copulatory industry angel investor and visionary, George Doubleyou Bush, has flip flopped on an crucial issue. He has signed documents recently creating the largest marineland national monument in the Hawaiian archipelago, preserving a unique ecosystem for generations to come. This is disturbing for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, you hate to see a world leader of his stature flip flop on any issue. You stake a claim and hold on to it fast. But this is the kind of flip flop that will resonate loudly both domestically and internationally. My goodness, what will our enemies think? This morning, his spine looks to have the tensile strength of an overcooked piece of rigatoni.

Secondly, and most importantly, I can't imagine a worse setback in the global war on evolution. Everybody knows that islands are hotbeds of evolution and speciation. This decision preserves not just one, but several isolated ecosytems upon which evolutionary processes will run completely unchecked. This sets back any hopes of stomping out evolution in our childrens' life time, something we'll need to accomplish ruthlessly and deliberately, one archipelago at a time, if we have any hope of success.

Finally, in this decision, he shows an uncanny ability to ignore and jettison his political base on the right for obviously expedient, but unclear, political purposes. We elected him because he promised to protect our homeland from the evil forces of evolution. Through this flip flop, he has forsaken us when we least expected it.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Pat Robertson endorses Blader Industries, Inc. products

It is my pleasure to announce that Blader Industries, Inc. has just inked an historic co-branding agreement with Pat Robertson that makes our firm the exclusive copulation accessory product supplier for the 700 Club.

As Chairman, CEO and Fearless Leader of Blader Industries, Inc., I would like first to congratulate my crack scientists in our Research and Development subsidiary, who showed that the decline in the population of European Christians was not fully explainable by alien abductions, as is widely believed, but is also attributable to a real reduction in birth rates.

If there is one thing that Blader Industries, Inc. knows how to do well, it is to reverse declining birth rates.

Although I was marooned on a small iceberg while away on a Chautauqua studying the copulatory behavior of marching penguins in Antarctica, when I heard the results I personally called the Rev. Pat Robertson, who said to me, "Blader, you are right. Europe is right now in the midst of racial suicide because of the declining birth rate. Can I use this information on my program?"

After I indicated to him that the research results were proprietary, the Rev. Robertson quickly recognized the synergy a co-branding agreement could bring to each of our firms. He was also careful to deny that he had no intentions of personally using any of our products (anymore) for his own copulatory activities.

He indicated that his copulatory activities are no longer conducted for procreative purposes, but instead performed because he has been commanded to share "God's goodness" with the women in his life.

As part of the agreement, Blader Industries, Inc., announces that it will add to it's popular "Big Bad Brother" suite of male enhancement pills a new brand line called, "Good God!"