Thursday, October 26, 2006

Memo: Sexual harassment training session

From: Blader, aka Fearless Leader, CEO and so forth and et cetera
To: Blader Industries, Inc. Colleagues
Re: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Intranet Chautauqua

In order to comply with article VII of Title IX, VII or X, III of XI and II of XII in the 8,987 pp OHSA WorkPlace Standards Manual, abridged version, as you know we conduct monthly case studies on sexual harassment from the comfort of our tastefully appointed offices via intranet chautauqua. So I now ask that you pull up a chair, smoke if you got 'em, and begin to discuss amongst yourselves the following question:

Is the apparent male authority figure in this training video fondling the apparent submissive female in a sexually suggestive manner, or did he simply see an extremely large pimple suddenly grow inbetween her scapulae, and grabbed her only to squeeze the puss out of it before it exploded on its own?

Alternately, did she 'ask for it' by her sexually provocative attire and the way she sat upright in the chair and was giving everyone else in the conference room those 'bedroom eyes'?

As usual, don't forget to provide a written summary of your discussion, not to exceed 14 words and two punctuation marks. As usual, the most poignant summary will be posted on the lobby wall downstairs for all of next month.

Selling Memorabilia, has it come to this?

Colleagues, you may have heard that I've been banned from the Hall of Fame. Allegedly their collective will, according to JDerion, who no doubt spearheaded the campaign against me. I'm fine with that. I really didn't ever "aspire" or even perspire to be in the Hall of Fame. The notoriety might have put me in a higher class for royalty income proceeds, but other than that, it would have just been another chautauqua in a long line of chautauquas to attend.

Nevertheless, I was counting on that income and had budgeted accordingly. So the news that I won't make it is a call to make some adjustments in my personal financial situaiton.

Besides my health, I suppose my next greatest asset would have to be my extensive collection of sports memorabilia. So I've decided to sell it all off to raise some funds, and if I raise enough money, I might even give a third of it to the United Nations, an idea I'm sure has never wandered into the mind of Pete Rose.

To enhance the value of my collection, I've made a strategic decision to autograph the whole lot of it!! I hope the auction goes well. Bid fast and furiously, as if the future of the world depended upon it.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Vote a Straight Republican Ticket

No more gays in congress! LOL!! We've had more than enough 'bad news' because of them, and its taking us "off target".

Every once in a while it is important for those of us in the corporate world to stand up and make a stand.

Here's a list I had our Public Service Subsidiary construct of the Republican candidates, please do your vetting and then vote as you see fit.


--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Dealing with Disgruntled Employees

It is always a great challenge, I can tell you that. And I can't say that I've got the "one-size-fits-all-of-them- all-of-the-time-usually" answer, either. And fortunately its rare at our conglomerate. But we see it from time to time.

Take Mabs, for instance. She was a down on her luck bonobo, well, maybe "down on her luck" isn't the best way to describe her. Let's just say she was spinning her wheels, eeking out a sustenance existence, copulating with just about whoever and whatever wandered along, on a quiet Congo River tributary, when she was discovered by a crack team of our talent agents out on an African expedition chautauqua.

They enticed her to come back with them by offering her, along with a bucket of fresh tropical fruits, the standard, generous compensation package all of our colleagues receive, including a windowed office at our corporate headquarters, One Blader Plaza. So it's not as if we simply captured her. Mabs came willingly, and the only reason she was transported back in a cage was so as not to get stuck in a long line at immigration after the flight.

After she got here, things got much better for her than our scouts first assumed. Unbeknownst to them, I was working on the PLAYBONOBO concept and it was immediately obvious to me that, with professional air brushing, she would be perfect as our inaugural issue centerfold Playbonobomate!!

Boom! Our first issue is out and now she is a rising star, and I'm told the folks over at the National Enquirer have made some calls and are interested in doing a half-page interview with her!

Well, Mabs called up to my office this morning and somewhat brusquely demanded a meeting, which we've just finished. It didn't go well. She walked in the door, and defecated into her hand saying, "Ooh, ooh, oh, ooh-ooh" which roughly translated means, "If you don't renegotiate my contract, I'm going to fling this pile of shaz all over your curtains."

Can you believe that?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

It's Worse Than We Thought


Clearly, you can now understand why you've received a notice that the terrorist threat level has been changed from "Medium Rare" to "Rare", our highest level of vigilance.

My crack team of analysts have just informed me that, and I quote, "The latest JDerion tape indicates we may have erred in describing the first as "a call to jihad via the medium of interpretive dance.' Indeed, the second clandestine video appears to indicate that JDerion has acquired the capability of a Shaman, and intends to use dance as a weapon of mass destruction, mostly for deployment against iconic landmarks of major societies worldwide."

Since I can think of no landmark in this country more 'iconic' than One Blader Plaza, JDerions intentions vis-a-vis the US are quite obvious. As such I'm ordering all colleagues who work at the rank of Vice President and higher to obtain first class airfare and plan to reconnoiter at the designated chautauqua site, which is, ahem, NOT at the Bikini Atoll in case JDerion is listening.

JDerion 'Chatter' Elevated-Threat Imminent

I've just received a disturbing package from one of our operatives who had been tracking JDerion. He had spotted him in Belarus but we haven't heard from him since that communique and we fear the worst, so we've gone ahead and cut the operative and his family off our generous medical plan. But I digress.

Our crack team of analysts have had a chance to review the contents of the most recent package and have rendered the following summary:

"Mr. JDerion is using the medium of interpretive dance to call for a global jihad. Please pass the mashed potatoes."

There you have it, colleagues. This man is truly a menace. As a result, the Homeland Security subsidiary of Blader Industries, Inc., feels compelled to raise the threat warning to 'Medium Rare' and urges great caution, vigilance, and a gentle reminder to vote a Straight Republican ticket in November. For the sake of God, let's not elect any more homo's to congress!!!

The Tragedy of Arnesto Martinez

I've asked my secretary to make sure this one get's out on the corporate intranet, with my recommendation that Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues go home and hug their dog tonight. There is a message here. I'm not exactly sure what the message is, but if I'm not mistaken, it seems like a tale as old as time.

Monday, October 23, 2006

PLAYBONOBO, our newest print media play

Colleagues, I'm pleasured almost to the point of flatulance to announce Blader Industries, Inc's., newest foray into the media sector. Playbonobo comes on the heals of our successful rollout of Bladerpalooza, and seeks to achieve certain synergies and economies of scale in the media sector that are only possible through print. What is PLAYBONOBO? PLAYBONOBO is entertainment for primates.

I got the idea the other night while watching The Girls Next Door, you know, the episode where Kendra visited her mother's condo complex with Hef and the other girls. At the same time, because unlike bonobos I can multitask, I was reading about some Blader Industries, Inc., sponsored research indicating women are 'turned on' by bonobo porn.

Well, it didn't take me long to put two and two together and voila! PLAYBONOBO was born! Our target market is men who 'bring home the bacon' who can use PLAYBONOBO as a tool to help make their women more receptive and thereby enhance their copulatory and evolutionary potential. Our crack team of sales associates is looking to find shelf space in stores that sell bacon, and our chosen marketing jingo for the campaign will be, "Why don't you bring something else home she would like along with that slab of bacon."

It has not escaped our notice that a secondary market niche for PLAYBONOBO will be primate research colonies throughout the world. We're actually looking to create in-kind synergies and economies of scale and what not with such enterprises. For example, in turn for a complementary subscription to PLAYBONOBO, we'd ask primate research facilities for permission to exploit their research results for commercial gain, etc and so forth. Stuff like that.