Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Corporate Memo: New Masturbation Training Video


One of Blader Industries, Inc. Consulting Group Subsidiary's most profitable activities is advising firms on how to deal with the emotionally charged issue of on the job wanking. Here's a recent production by our training team, one of which I am exceptionally proud. Notice in particular how the office manager defuses a tense situation by allowing everyone in the work group to have their say on the matter.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Paul robbed by Paul campaign worker raising $5million for campaign

Colleagues- As the new election season is upon us, I've taken to spending a little time following the goings on.

The remarkable Dr. Rep. Ron Paul is running an interesting campaign.

His is a grassroots populist program that is supported by the sort of eager, energetic and forward thinking worker with a 'can do it' personality that we value highly here at Blader Industries, Inc.

The Dr. Rep. Ron Paul campaign has just announced a milestone $5million has been raised in Q3 to support the campaign of this apparent visionary. This figure is all the more remarkable because they plan to raise the estimated $500 million it will take to get him elected without resorting to taking contributions from corporate interests or their lobbyists.

The latter is placing pressures on their workers to find innovative ways to come up with the vast sum of money it will take to make him our next leader. There are unconfirmed reports that they've raided lemonade stands over the summer, and have snuck into the bedrooms of elementary school children to steal their piggy banks.

The only confirmed irregularity so far is this image of Dr. Rep. Ron Paul being held up at gunpoint during a recent press conference, by a masked man wearing a Paul for President'08 campaign tee shirt, who demanded he empty his pockets and hand over all the money in his wallet, "for the good of the Ron Paul for President campaign."

Friday, August 24, 2007

Shocking News: Jenna Jameson Implants Stolen


I approach you today with somber news that the porn star Jenna Jameson's breast implants, which she had surgically removed just a few days ago, have disappeared and are believed stolen.

This represents a significant setback to our Copulation Hall of Fame, Co., subsidiary, as our corporate strategy involved using the implants as a 'marquee' item on our "Best Busts in the Business" display at the museum and we paid a princely sum to acquire the property in advance of the procedure.

Our Chief Financial Officer is penning a press release at this time, as required by the SEC, that will publicly announce this loss just after the markets close, and will detail our plan to recover the property at all reasonable cost.

Until the markets close at 4pm, there shall be no further discussion except amongst yourselves.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Memo: Your Responsibilities and the Employee Health Benefit


Your colleagues in the Health Insurance offices of the Benefits Department of our Human Resources subsidiary have asked that I remind you to be a healthful partner as we endeavor to give you the widest possible health insurance coverage at the lowest possible cost.

The degree to which Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues and interns can collectively demonstrate superior good health, is the degree to which we'll be able to expand your health coverage benefit. In fact, this is, in part, how we can 'afford' to offer you insurance coverage against poorly performed accidental breast augmentation procedures, as just one example.

It has come to our attention that we have room to improve across all sectors of our conglomerate when it comes to healthful sunbathing hygiene. As you are aware, Blader Industries, Inc., has a generous chautauqua policy, and we are especially delighted at how many times each year our colleagues are given opportunities to chautauqua on sun drenched beaches and golf courses, while conducting official Blader Industries, Inc., business, research, marketing and consulting services.

But we've done the calculations and concluded that our health benefit costs can rise sharply if we don't do more to prevent skin damage, including disfiguring cancerous lesions, caused by too much sun exposure while on corporate duty.

Therefore, in the style of imaginative solutions you've grown to expect from your crack team of Benefits Specialists, I've followed their recommendation and instructed the staff colleagues in our wholly owned Mail Room subsidiary to distribute to each and every colleague an attractive straw sombrero with which to shade your head, face and shoulders while out on chautauqua.

Our male colleagues will additionally receive a smaller sombrero, to be used to shade your sensitive private parts while out in the sun.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Blader Industries, Inc. Rolls out "Conception Day" Product in Russia


It gives me a sense of unbridled flatulence to finally be able to 'take the wraps off' one of Blader Industries, Inc., most exciting new initiatives to date.

Some time ago, I was approached in considerable secrecy by representatives from the highest level of the Russian government concerned about their declining birthrates. They asked us to devise a plan to reverse this alarming trend, with the explicit goal of heading off an almost certain population bottleneck if the trend continued.

I assigned this task to our crack team of specialists in the wholly-owned Copulation Consulting, Inc., subsidiary, who I'm happy to say has come up with a bangup plan, which the Russian government has adopted from us for a considerable fee.

Colleagues, I give you: Conception Day!!! On Sept 12 this and every year, Russians will take a National Copulation Holiday, encouraged to stay home and copulate away!! Any progeny born PRECISELY 9 months later on June 12 will be known as Baby Patriots, and they and their parents will be eligible for any number of prizes and whatnots as an additional incentive to actually copulate, rather than go boating or play golf or whatnot.

Because of the high profile nature of this successful campaign, or staff in the wholly-owned Marketing, Inc., subsidiary have come up with a catchy new corporate slogan as the center of our new ad campaign:

Blader Industries, Inc., because copulation isn't always a biological imperative

Memo: Nude Blogging Policy


The Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc. has deliberated and approved my proposal that all blogging by staff conducted on Mondays be performed while tastefully attired In The Nude.

I encourage all Blader Industries, Inc. staff members to follow that link to acquaint themselves with the philosophy and aims of the program.

This directive applies also to staff members en route to chautauqua on Mondays. If you are blogging while in transit, please be sure to do so in the nude.

Please file this memo in your personal directory under: Authoritative and Compulsory. This is applicable to all Blader Industry, Inc. employees in all wholly owned and independent subsidiaries of our conglomerate, including those in the horizontally and vertically integrated corporate subsectors.

This directive most especially applies to those of you working outside my office in the Executive Suite secretarial pool at One Blader Plaza.

If there are any questions or concerns regarding this policy, please make an appointment to see me. As usual, I will continue to follow my non-discriminatory policy of meeting only with female employees on Mondays and only with male employees on Tuesdays.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

On the Evolution of Oratorical Style


If you've ever read my FAQ, you'll know I was raised by a wild pack of Jesuit scholars. And if there is one thing Jesuit scholars understand, it is oratorical styles. Most especially ethos, figures of speech that are designed to promote ones authority and credentials so that you might be more persuaded by his argument. And it is true, Jesuits will resort to torture until their students understand these details.

For example, when I make recommendations for you to live and work by on these pages, my status as a CEO and fearless leader of a major vertically integrated industrial conglomerate carries the weight of authority we all know a CEO must enjoy in his life's station. And you follow my recommendations because you know a CEO wouldn't be a CEO if he didn't have something going for him.

If this is not yet clear to you, let me appeal to your more primitive, intuitive intellect. I'm talking about a situation not at all unlike the implied authority of a gorilla thumping his chest in a forest clearing as he asks you to leave his territory so he can copulate in privacy. You recognize, do you not, from the chest thumping, that the gorilla is in a excellent position to kick your ass if you fail to heed his warning call? The gorilla has credentials, and is indicating he is not afraid to use those credentials unless you leave.

And so we come to todays point. It appears that another humongous discussion has broken out on the internets following an article that asks whether readers believe humans (in their present form) and dinosaurs coexisted on the earth.

Not infrequently, someone chimes in to defend this completely scientifically disproven but intriguing notion (there are, afterall, movies and TV shows showing dinosaurs and humans together and so it looks possible). And also not infrequently, they begin their defense of this proposition by first pointing out that they have credentials in a scientific or technical field and that you should heed their words knowing their authority.

Their first appeal is to your sense of ethos!!! OMG!!! Even creationists understand oratorical style, almost as if they, too, were raised by a wild pack of Jesuit scholars!!!

A creationist who is an engineer, who has a master's degree, has a math degree or who is even a math professor is a BIG DEAL in their culture, because it is so rare to have someone who is actualy not horribly mis-educated.

I imagine the only thing bigger, in terms of status, than parishioner at a fundamentalist church who is an engineer would be to have a congregation member who's been cured of homosexuality----through the power of prayer, of course--without resorting to drugs, surgery or electroshock therapy. Someone like that would probably even get their own pew all to themselves (just in case they are not really cured and it's contagious).

And so allow me to conclude this article by saying, do not despair for the apparent numbers of creationist engineers, mathematicians and math professors. There are, in fact, only 12 such individuals but they just seem like there are a lot because they are in such a habit of establishing ethos. Their pastor probably makes them do it no less than 100 times each Sunday after services.

For example:

Parishioner: Great sermon by the Pastor today, eh, Fred?"

Math Professor: Speaking as a Math Professor, yes.

Parishioner: It is so cool that you are on our team and not on the Darwinists side.

So don't worry. People who establish their technical skill and then say, "Yes, indeed, I've done the math, there certainly are problems with Darwin's little myth", are just engaged in a style of oratory that goes back well before great human-ape schism of 6,000,000 BC.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Looming Battle in Global War on Evolution

As we all know from extensive 'scientific' research, the bonobo is the quirky, peaceful, almost hippie-like great ape species. Not known to engage in hostilities or violence, the scientific picture paints the bonobo as a fun loving animal possessesing an unquenchable sexual appetite--including a remarkable predilection to copulate incessantly, commit felatio, genital rubbing, masturbation, et cetera and so forth and so on. The Alfred E. Newman of the great apes, the bonobo hasn't a worry in the world and isn't afraid to show it in front of even casual observers!

This idea resonates strongly among humans, who have the remarkable cognitive ability to understand their limitations, but are less equipped to do something about it. What robust adolescent human male doesn't look at this and beg, "Why couldn't I have been born a bonobo?" And what head of state, upon declaring war against another country, hasn't paused to wish that if only Saddam Hussein was more like an irrepressible bonobo, none of this would be necessary.

And so the story goes.

And the evolutionists would tell you that if we can only understand the bonobo, scientifically speaking, we could get in touch with our true inner selves. From scientific study, we could learn from these 'cousins' from the Congolese jungles about not only our origins, but also how to behave better ourselves. The agenda of these evolutionists also implies that if we just knew what the bonobo knows, and could put it into practice, we wouldn't have need for corporations that service the defense sectors, or those such as Blader Industries, Inc., a vertically integrated conglomerate of enterprises and concerns that collectively operates on the principle that copulation among humans is more difficult to achieve, but must be encouraged, as no less than the survival of our species is at stake!

Well, it can by disturbing for some to occasionally see tidy scientific theories disturbed by such things as useful data, or by scientists compelled to establish the ecological veracity of previous work. But sure enough, there are people out there who think bonobo society in the wild is a bit more complicated than the picture of bonobo society that has been drawn mostly from observations of well-fed and cared for bonobo groups housed in comfortable suburban facilities and zoological parks.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

How to tell the difference between Richard Branson and myself


Not infrequently, I'm approached for autographs in hotel lobbies, airport bars, corporate washrooms, and any number of other public places. And I'm always happy to comply.

But not infrequently, I catch a look of disappointment when returning the signed item, as the fan suddenly realizes they've mistaken me for a certain someone else.

"I bet you were expecting Richard Branson?" I'd lead.

"Yes," they'd admit, weakly.

"He's also extremely photogenic," I'd begin, "with a goatee, a wicked, knowing smile, a virile head of strawberry blond hair, and that certain sense about him that you only see in tycoons. Tycoon magnetism"

Invariably the fan apologizes and attempt to retreat quickly, "Yes, yes, all that. Look, I'm very sorry to have taken your time, I need to get to my gate....." But these moments are an opportunity to 'provide a general lesson' and make a new fan of the Blader brand.

"Well, you thought I was Richard Branson but only now realize I don't really look a thing like him, right."

"Yes, now that you mention it, how could I be so stupid?"

I'd go on, "Look, I won't take much of your time other than to say that you were very close. Your instincts are spot on. Because we are both tycoons, Richard Branson and I are alike in many ways. The only reason he isn't mistaken for me when he is in airports is because he owns his own airline and is closely associated with that brand, and quite frankly, wouldn't be caught dead in this rinky-dink airport lounge. "

Invariably, the fan looks rather pensive and anxious by this point, saying "Yes, that makes sense. Look, I really need to catch my...."

"So," I'd interrupt, "you want to know the most simple way to tell the difference between myself and Richard Branson?"

"ah, sure, why not?"

"If I was Richard Branson, I'd be lifting that cocktail waitress over there, hold her over the threshold, and sorta wait for people to come by and take pictures of us. Richard Branson just loves lifting beautiful women, especially models and real estate agents, whereas I can't possibly do something lik that because of L1-L2 fusion surgery I had after an old quarry diving accident. That's probably the biggest difference between us."

Friday, July 13, 2007

What would Richard Branson do?

There comes a time in every CEO's life when s/he faces a moral dilemma, a moment when he can either man up and take an ethically challenging situation head on, or punt the issue and deflect the slime storm elsewhere, hoping it sticks, like, on the CEO's grandson or nephew or the homeless guy who spends all day in the park across the street.

When facing these crossroads, when trying to decide what would be the right thing to do, over the years I've learned to pause and ask, "What would Richard Branson do?"

Without any question, Richard Branson and I are not unlike in many ways. In fact, he and I are often mistaken for each other in airport bars, hotel lobbies and corporate washrooms. Like myself, Richard Branson is an irrepressible goateed founder, CEO and head visionary of a vertically integrated multinational conglomerate of horizontally positioned subsidiaries, divisions, chapters and whatnot. Both of our sources of wisdom, fame and wealth are somewhat elusive to the casual reader.

So, let me assure my colleagues and also the Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc., that were I to post anonymously on the internets, I would do so as myself, and not anonymously and certainly not using a clumsy, sophomoric anagram of Mrs. Blader's name. Unlike John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, Inc., Richard Branson and I know that great privilege, and responsibility, comes with the CEO title.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Southern baptists place global warming blame squarely on earth

The Southern Baptist convention, the largest denomination of evangelical christians anywhere, have just issued a statement that blames the earth for global warming and absolves humans, but not scientists, from any sins attributable to poor stewardship of the planet.

The resolution says the “record shows that global temperature has risen and fallen cyclically throughout geologic history” and that "there is absolutely no reason to think that the earth isn't playing tricks on God's creation once again."

The resolution continues to make the extraordinarily precise statement that says, "the scientific community is divided regarding the extent to which humans are responsible for recent global warming. If anybody has sinned, its the beady-eyed Darwinists with their false idolatry and secular humanism and whatnot and so forth. "

Finally, the resolution finished by stating, "Christians are called by God to exhibit dominion over the earth, and if it gets too warm, not that we think it will, it will be our job to pray to God to let Him know it is time lower the temperature and that should fix the problem."

Thursday, June 07, 2007

How to know when too much copulation is too much?

Whenever conducting public information forums, it never fails that someone in the audience stands up during the question and answer session to inquire, "Blader, when I'm copulating, how do I know when it is a good time to stop?"

It is a great question.

And the answer is usually, "I dunno. How do you know its time to go to bed? I mean, you just know, right?"

Well, truth be told, that answer always bothered me. It seems intuitively obvious, but at the same time, is dismounting behavior truly intuitive and is it really like knowing if its bedtime?

So, I got my boys on it.

Now, thanks to the tireless effort of a crack team of researchers funded by Blader Industries, Inc., now we know how we know when the moment to stop is just right. And, it turns out, the same genes in your bodies that regulate your awake and sleep cycles, the genes that say when to go to sleep and when to wake, those controlling your 'circadian rhythms', are also the same genes that tell you when it is time to dismount following a robust copulatory burst!!

Of course, its fascinating to consider the ramifications of this study. Specifically those showing that a male fruit fly with mutations in clock genes will copulate, on average, 30-50% LONGER than his non-mutant colleague.

And isn't ironic that one of these genes happens to have been called, 'period' long before its involvement in copulatory behavior was discovered?

Unfortunately, a mutation in 'period' only prolongs male copulatory endurance. The same mutation in females has no effect. Let's hope there is a work around for that one.

Oh! This one has so many possibilities!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Bush Finally Appoints New War 'Czar'

The Bush administration finally found someone who would agree to serve as their new war 'Czar', responsible for directing and overseeing all military operations currently being waged by US armed forces everywhere.

He is Pvt First Class Unknown Soldier, purported to be a highly experienced veteran first discovered in the Pacific theater by the noted WWII photographer Frank Pataye.

"We finally found someone we can blame the entire war on if things continue to go as poorly as they appear to be going," said White House spokesman Tony Snow, who added, "it is a brilliant solution to the problem and shows just how willing this President is willing to think outside the box in his campaign to bring peace and stability to the middle east."

Asked why no soldiers of higher rank, or anyone but unknown soldiers, were willing to step forward for the job, Mr. Snow would only say, "This administration values our appointees enthusiasm for the job, and if they are also qualified, we've always considered that to be a bonus."

Pvt First Class Unknown Soldier can't be found so is unavailable for comment.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

New Product Rollout: Shock Collar for Diplomats


Forgive my absence. I've been out on chautauqua, bought a new puppy, and have been absolutely consumed by our latest product roll out, which represents a move by Blader Industries, Inc., into an entirely new business niche: Technology and devices designed to keep employees, coworkers or others you need to dominate "on content" and "on message."

The device works exactly like the ones you see in the dog parks. They are programmed to discharge 16.8965 MJoules of concentrated energy either on cue, or remotely, if the subject wearing the device "strays" from any protocol that YOU establish.

Yes, indeed. You probably noticed that none other than US Secretary of State Condi Rice was wearing one during her recent high level discussions with members of the Syrian administration. Yes indeed, you can conclude from this that the US White House, under the auspices of Generalissimo Karl Rove, are on board with Blader Industries, Inc., in our test marketing phase and likely will be our first major customer.

And Yes Indeed! If Her Excellenciness Ms. Rice even whispers, "our administration seeks disentanglement from your region in the worst possible way" even once during her discussions, the device will emit a brief, audible tone and then drop her to the floor like a bag of cement!!

She won't dare stray ever again.

I promise you, this will work. I've seen it happen to dogs that bark or try to eat a pile of poop made by one of their buddies.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

New Product Rollout Announcement: 24 Prognostications Services


It gives me unbridled flatulence to announce that Blader Industries, Inc., will shortly roll out a new product line: 24 Prognostication Services.

This product will provide our customers with a preview of the coming plot line from the hit FOX drama series, 24, starring Keifer Sutherland as the irrepressible and omnipotent Jack Bauer.

The preview is generated using the previous episode's plot line, fed through a proprietary program developed by our crack team of software engineers.

The output provides a stunningly realistic portent of things to come in the day of the lives of a dedicated team of counter-terrorism experts, government leaders, and their humble and sometimes humorous antics as they chase a pack of wild terrorists throughout the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area.

We anticipate that our customers will be able to utilize this service to impress upon their secretarial pools an impressive grasp of the hit 24 series, thereby enhancing their opportunities for copulatory activities and thereby increasing the odds that their genetic program will be passed on to another generation.

There isn't enough time to explain it in great detail, but draw a perimeter around your computer and stand by as we uplink the data to the Blader Industries, Inc. , corporate website using the latest in satellite technology.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Great Moments in Copulation: Centaurs


An extremely interesting article for you about the possibility that humans and animals have interbred in the past to create centaurs. I don't know what this means to us as a corporate entity, but something tells me we should fix our antennae on the issue.

Money shot:
Alexander Guryev says that researchers have no whole centaur skeletons but lots of upper and lower parts of centaurs skeletons.
Unfortunate, indeed. But have we ruled out a conspiracy? I think not. My next door neighbor is an anthropologist and, frankly, I'd never turn my back on him.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Dear Colleagues Memo v1.03: New Mail Policy


Our fearless leader needs our help. No, not me. Our other fearless leader...the handsome fearless leader of our great nation.

No doubt acting on slam dunk intelligence that terrorists who seek to come out of our closets and kill our families, President George Dubya Bush would like to read our mail, so he can catch the evil doers, who apparently are no longer using the internets, or telephones, and are now communicating and planning great acts of evil through the US postal service.

Therefore, from this moment forward, I'm instructing all Colleagues at Blader Industries, Inc., to forward all of their mail on a daily basis and until further notice to our other fearless leader so he can catch any terrorists seeking to open lines of communications with us.

This official corporate instruction is directed at all of my colleagues, including past, present and future employees at all corporate affiliates, subsidiaries, subdivisions, outposts, sheep ranches, golf courses and neighborhood lemonade stands, and including any other interested parties, associates, corporate spies, legal teams, and especially including any and all fellow jihadists or alliance members who may be reading this accidentally on purpose:

Send your daily mail, including any unsolicited junk mail (I can just see the evil doers making fake junk mail) to:

Mr. President of the United States George Dubya Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500

Don't forget to include a SASE so he can return your mail after he's done reading it.