Since the public debut of my log yesterday, I've been inundated with questions. This FAQ list should answer the more pressing issues that have arisen so that we all can get back to focusing upon my work and my ongoing adventures.
Who are you?
I am Blader, an international man of mystery without portfolio.....and captain of industry, I almost always forget to mention the latter.
Are you an enigma?
No, but I am complex.
Why are there no pictures of you anywhere on the internet?
The short answer is for security purposes.
The full answer is that there are murderous sycophants who walk this earth, most especially an accountant chap from New Jersey with deep and unfullfilled interests in constitutional law, who perceive me as their mortal enemy and will stop at nothing to snuff me from the face of this earth.
Where are you now?
At the moment, I'm laying over at a whorehouse in Uzbekistan. I arrived here accidentally. My intention was to check some of my property on the Gaza strip, as rumors were swirling that the Iranians intended to wipe Israel off the map. Instead, I boarded the wrong flight in Port Said, which landed here in Gazalkent.
I remain because it is the only facility within hundreds of miles with a reliable internet connection. The reason this particular whorehouse is 'wired' is because the proprietor also runs a side business...a clearinghouse for Uzbekistani women seeking to become internet brides in American and Europe. At first I'd hoped to develop certain corporate synergies between our enterprises, but the situation is deteriorating rapidly and I'll be moving on as soon as I can find durable transportation.
Can you describe your childhood for me?
Sure. I was born into humble surroundings.
Not "out in a manger in Bethlehem" humble, but close enough for comfort, if you catch my drift.
My father grew up in the only Caucasian share- cropper family in Tupelo County, Mississippi. He was a hard working, self-made man with only a primary school education but a superb and complete set of teeth, which he was smart enough to take advantage of as he made his fortune in the widget sector.
His success was all the more remarkable because, unlike me, he wasn't a WASP.
From where do you derive your obvious self-confidence?
About the time I reached middle school age, Daddy's garage-based widget business was becoming something of a success. In fact, it was so successful that it became frequently mentioned in many of the leading business and economics textbooks of the time.
Our home became a destination for many pilgram-type characters hoping to capture the scent of his success just by driving by on the front road. Kind of like Graceland.
He decided to move the family from the Mississippi co-op farm where I was born and where he worked as a mechanic, out to a large and more private estate in the Hamptons of New York.
It was in the Hamptons that my natural talent for lawn games blossomed. I was simply unbeatable...I knew it as did every other child and parent in the neighborhood. I derived a great deal of self-confidence in my abilities from that.
Before long, none of the parents in the neighborhood would allow their progeny to accept my challenges to compete. I turned these talented gifts from badminton and croquet and focused upon golf, which I could play alone.
To this day, the course records that I established in country clubs up and down Long Island as a youth remain unchallenged. I excel in golf to this very day but I only compete in badminton and croquet against my children.....who are no match for my talent.
Is that talent in golf somehow related to the derivation of your name?
It is true that in golf I play with an extremely unforgiving set of classic forged blade irons that only a few among the best players in the world would dare use. Most people in the world now play with dull feeling 'forgiving, cast cavity back irons'....something I cannot tolerate since I am a 'feel' player.
My talent and my equipment make me a rare sight on most golf courses. People mistakenly believe that I have been nicknamed after my style of golf play, as in: "What a great shot with some very unforgiving irons, man o man that guy is a superb blader!"
True enough. But in fact, I am named after my maternal great-grandmother: Wilmette Corinthia Blader, a well known activist in the suffrage movement.
Do you enjoy golf?
Golf both obsesses and completes me.
Back to your business interests, how did you come to focus upon the copulation industry?
Inspired genius, I suppose.
A few years ago it struck me that scientists in western societies had only recently (within the past few hundred years) put two and two together to discover that procreation is a consequence of copulatory activity. Simply put, Blader Industries focuses upon the copulatory sector because we want to be a major player in the procreation markets for a long time to come. You can't have the latter without the former.
Our competitors have accused us of simply hitching are trailer to a self-replicating entity that even the most challenged company could profit from, but any dispassionate observer who takes a look at our diverse product line know it's a lot more than that.
As I continued my analysis of the industry it became quite clear that a mistaken perception was that pornographers 'owned' the copulatory sector. However, our carefully conducted, scientifically controlled and double-blinded two-tailed analysis of variance research showed that the vast majority of pornography consumers were actually engaged in acopulatory activities, in private, all by themselves! Without partners!! And in copulation never is the old adage that it takes two to tango ever more applicable.
I think you know what I mean when I say that the only way pornography consumers were going to get any procreation out of their consumptive activities would be to evolve into hermaphrodites! LOL!!
So we saw a niche that pornographers weren't filling, and we stepped right in. I suppose I owe my fortune for achieving this insight before most others.
Are you bullish on the copulation sector?
There are enormous opportunities for growth in the sector. For example, there are many primitive peoples throughout the world who have yet to put two and two together and connect the dots between their copulatory activities and that a little bundle of joy squirming around on the dirt floor of their hut. Blader Industries sees enormous mercantile potential in cultivating those consumers and helping them draw the lines between the dots, much as westerners have. Our test marketing, particularly in Djibouti, has proven that as the primitive come to understand better the basic biology of reproduction, they'll want our products.
If you'll forgive me, they'll come in and out of our stores again, and again and again.
So growth is limited to the third world?
Not at all.
Don't kid yourself, there are a LOT of people in Kansas, for example, and other areas of the Bible belt who think that pregnancy is something that is spread on tractor seats....or even just sort of happens spontaneously through prayer.
I'm sure you've seen the type: "Well, if I'm meant to be pregnant God will make it happen." Nine months later they've forgotten all about the copulation but the memory of that prayer is seared in their minds.
In a nutshell, what Blader Industries, Inc. does is reverse that. As a group of companies, our goal is to enhance the copulatory experience to ensure that every instance of copulation is seared into the minds of our customers.
We foresee a time when playground conversations are not about pot roasts, or leak proof diapers or even how to position little Johnny's extracurricular activities to improve his chances of being accepted in the more prestigious pre-K programs. No, we want those mothers discussing with their peer groups every detail regarding the conception of that child!
Do you see these fundamentalists as threats to your mercantile interests and growth prospects?
Not at all, they amuse us.
And they will be our customers down the road, it's inevitable. Look, the process of evolution has equipped humanity...even fundamentalists...with the irresistable urge to copulate.
Heck, look at Jimmy Swaggart, who experienced unnecessary emotional pain as a futile reaction brought on by suppressing his deep-rooted biological urges. Since then, he not only has became one of Blader Industries, Inc. most important customers, I'm happy to report that he now sports a much improved haircut. It's remarkable what we've been able to accomplish for him.
Blader Industries has a lot of non-profit subdivisions, what's up with that?
It should surprise nobody that our interests are simultaneously mercantile and in service to humanity.
Look people really like to copulate, and almost all cultures treasure new born babies. At Blader Industries, Inc., we came to recognize that these are primal, insatiable pleasures. And it's not only pleasurable, but also absolutely essential for the species to propagate if it hopes to ward off extinction.
C'mon, there are a lot of people out there, should we really be concerned about the extinction of humanity?
That's exactly what they used to say about passenger pigeons.
I see you are getting distracted by that caravan of trucks moving up the valley from a distance, so one last question: Are you really Richard Branson, head of the Virgin group of companies?
LOL!! I've heard those rumors, too.
No. I'm actually very much afraid of heights, and my beard is much darker than his.
But I'll be honest with you, since these rumors began to swirl I've found it difficult not to conclude that in many ways, Richard Branson is almost a caricature of myself.
But that's probably a judgement I'm least well positioned to make. I'll leave that to you, instead.
I'm sorry, but you are right, I should be moving....that caravan is both unexpected and getting closer.
Do you remember if I came into this room carrying my kalashnikov? Where did I last put that?