Tuesday, January 16, 2007

New Product Rollout Announcement: 24 Prognostications Services


It gives me unbridled flatulence to announce that Blader Industries, Inc., will shortly roll out a new product line: 24 Prognostication Services.

This product will provide our customers with a preview of the coming plot line from the hit FOX drama series, 24, starring Keifer Sutherland as the irrepressible and omnipotent Jack Bauer.

The preview is generated using the previous episode's plot line, fed through a proprietary program developed by our crack team of software engineers.

The output provides a stunningly realistic portent of things to come in the day of the lives of a dedicated team of counter-terrorism experts, government leaders, and their humble and sometimes humorous antics as they chase a pack of wild terrorists throughout the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area.

We anticipate that our customers will be able to utilize this service to impress upon their secretarial pools an impressive grasp of the hit 24 series, thereby enhancing their opportunities for copulatory activities and thereby increasing the odds that their genetic program will be passed on to another generation.

There isn't enough time to explain it in great detail, but draw a perimeter around your computer and stand by as we uplink the data to the Blader Industries, Inc. , corporate website using the latest in satellite technology.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Great Moments in Copulation: Centaurs


An extremely interesting article for you about the possibility that humans and animals have interbred in the past to create centaurs. I don't know what this means to us as a corporate entity, but something tells me we should fix our antennae on the issue.

Money shot:
Alexander Guryev says that researchers have no whole centaur skeletons but lots of upper and lower parts of centaurs skeletons.
Unfortunate, indeed. But have we ruled out a conspiracy? I think not. My next door neighbor is an anthropologist and, frankly, I'd never turn my back on him.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Dear Colleagues Memo v1.03: New Mail Policy


Our fearless leader needs our help. No, not me. Our other fearless leader...the handsome fearless leader of our great nation.

No doubt acting on slam dunk intelligence that terrorists who seek to come out of our closets and kill our families, President George Dubya Bush would like to read our mail, so he can catch the evil doers, who apparently are no longer using the internets, or telephones, and are now communicating and planning great acts of evil through the US postal service.

Therefore, from this moment forward, I'm instructing all Colleagues at Blader Industries, Inc., to forward all of their mail on a daily basis and until further notice to our other fearless leader so he can catch any terrorists seeking to open lines of communications with us.

This official corporate instruction is directed at all of my colleagues, including past, present and future employees at all corporate affiliates, subsidiaries, subdivisions, outposts, sheep ranches, golf courses and neighborhood lemonade stands, and including any other interested parties, associates, corporate spies, legal teams, and especially including any and all fellow jihadists or alliance members who may be reading this accidentally on purpose:

Send your daily mail, including any unsolicited junk mail (I can just see the evil doers making fake junk mail) to:

Mr. President of the United States George Dubya Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500

Don't forget to include a SASE so he can return your mail after he's done reading it.