Friday, November 18, 2005

Bladerpalooza

The genesis of the 'transcendental TV' genre

People often point out that I have a lot in common with guys like Donald Trump and Richard Branson.

I'm usually insulted by such talk.

Those guys just play themselves in their "reality tv shows", which doesn't strike me as very difficult or particularly creative.

I can assure you from personal experience that there is nothing at all difficult about being a larger then life megamogul. I can't imagine having an easier life and I find nothing simpler than being me. So how could me playing me in a tv show prove challenging?

True, I am hounded by an obsessively halluncinogenic jihadist-wannabe, hell bent on seeing a tortured and bloody end to my life...but that's all mostly just a nuisance that, if anything, adds more color and texture to my life.

As I write this I'm comfortably reclined in the first class cabin of a Delta Boeing 777, piercing the sky over the pacific en route to Atlanta, smugly satisfied that I've just, once again, intuitively taken advantage of an opportunity to set an entirely new cultural paradigm.

Currently, I think it's fair to say that my media presence transcends life, and so it only makes sense that any programming based upon me should also be transcendental in scope. As I routinely tell producers and pitchmen, it's not enough for me to just be some central character cultivating proteges in a reality tv format.

I boarded the flight with several members of a troupe of World Wrestling Federation members, heading home after a string of shows in Japan, where their performance art is highly valued. Still creatively juiced from their tour, the wrestlers were very receptive to new ways of thinking when I introduced myself.

They are now back in the business class cabin, sleeping off one heck of a beerfest we enjoyed together in the Narita Airport Delta Crown Room, where we hatched and consummated a plan to revolutionize mogul TV.

My loyal readers, you are witnessing the end of the tired 'reality TV' genre and the dawn of a new media epoch tentatively called, 'transcendental TV'

For in that waiting lounge I and the wrestlers broadly outlined the development, along with some of the initial choreography, of a new slam-fest wrestling event that will depict, as allegorical epic, my righteousness, my struggles and my ultimate victory against my archenemy, JDerion.

In the matches, I will be depicted by a wrestler in white trunks, as white is the internationally recognized symbol of the good guys. The wrestler depicting the evil JDerion will wear black trunks.

The show, tentatively entitled, Bladerpalooza, will air on WTBS at 11:00 pm EST on Saturdays.

[To my good friends at Delta Airlines I deeply regret the damage caused to the Narita Crown Room sofa and also the 4 chairs and table next to the beer refrigerator. These were inadvertant casualties as we experimented with some initial staging for our allegory. However, the damaged pair of reclining chairs closest to the entryway are NOT our responsibility. The middle easterner wearing the fez and the suspicious, paranoid and vaguely familiar looking man with him were not members of our party and were involved in an entirely separate imbroglio. You can contact the help-desk at Blader Industries, Inc. to be compensated for your losses, in addition to a generous 10% discount off our products and services for your troubles.]

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please tell us - what makes this JDerion chap evil? Is it general evilness, or evil reserved solely for you?

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

fearless leader said...

What a great question!!

It's a long, complex story, almost freudian in scope....but basically, as an infant he suckled the teets of a wild dingo bitch.

As you can imagine, the dingo is a poor surrogate for the loving care of a mother.

JDerion, the unevil said...

Bladerdash! I'm not the least bit evil. In fact, I'm unevil, and that is documented.

blader views me as evil in the same way Orville Redenbacher views Mr. Jiffy Pop as evil. His viewpoint is skewed by his survival instinct. Disregard blader's demented ramblings. He is a mad man, and he has crabs.

fearless leader said...

...and you have ten thousand squirrel os baculum!!

I know exactly what you plan to do with them, and I'll go to the ends of the world, or Djibouti, which ever comes first, to stop you.

--Blader