Well, it turns out I needn't have worried about that caravan approaching up the valley. They were not a JDerion-led death squad, but a contingent of CIA and US State Department operatives desperately hoping I'd help them out with a little problem.Good thing too, because I never did find my kalashnikov in that whore house.
It's a long story, but they came to ask me to join President Bush's diplomatic mission to Asia, which will be capped by extremely important high level discussions in Beijing.
The bottom line is President Bush has a notorious reputation in diplomacy. He routinely forgets the names of his counterparts from other countries.
For example, at last years Chilean APEC conference, the President persistently addressed China's President Hu Jintao as, 'Cowboy', as in the following off the cuff statement he made to the assembled press: "Good ol' President, er, Cowboy, and myself just discussed my opinion that he should allow more US exports to China, especially guns and tanks."
For reasons not entirely clear to me, career diplomats find this kind of talk embarrassing.
So I agreed to help them and caught a CIA transport out of Uzbekistan, landing at Andrew's AFB just in time to board Air Force One. There I was given a Stewards' uniform and instructions to frequently service the presidential cabin.
For his part, President Bush was instructed to address me as 'Hu Jintao' each time he saw me. Other 'stewards' had joined the flight to play surrogates for other heads of state in Japan and Korea. The hope was this would burn the names of these important people on President Bush's, lips so that by the time we arrived in Asia, the names would be second nature.
But by 3 hours into the flight President Bush was hopelessly confused, and had reverted to addressing us all as, "cowboy" each time he saw us.
So we simply chilled out in the press cabin, becoming involved in a vicious high stakes scrabble game with an AP pool reporter and some hack from the Washington Post.
When we landed in Japan, the State Department functionary responsible for the plan learned of our failure and became livid.
She called a taxi, and gave us each a $1000 voucher for return travel.
So I'm in the Narita terminal, pondering my next move.
3 comments:
You want a piece of me? My whereabouts are never a secret, as you well know.
I'm still at Narita airport, a half a world away from you, in the Delta Crown Room, waiting to take a flight to Atlanta.
I'm partying with a gregarious half dozen or so steroid-junkies from the World Wrestling Federation, who are just finishing a tour of shows up and down Honshu, and on their way home.
One recognized me, and before long I was holding court, regailing them with tales of my exploits.
They so much enjoyed the story about the time your had to abandon your submarine, and I had to rescue you, as you chased me around the horn of Africa, that they asked me to recall it three times!!! "Tell it again! Tell it again!" they cried.
We've also discovered an inexhaustible stash of complimentary Pabst Blue Ribbon, so we're not really in a mood to get anywhere soon.
BTW, I don't buy into your hallucinogenically-inspired homoerotic prison fantasy one iota. It has so many logical disconnects I don't know were to begin.
Most telling, you of all people would know that Weimaraner dogs are a cultural taboo and strictly forbidden in Djibouti.
There was no Weimaraner or even a woman who looked like one, and you know it!
OK, are you serious that there was no Weimaraner or even a woman who looked like one? Or are you just saying this to buy time to copulate with professional wrestlers? You think you can confuse me, but you are the one who is not sure what he is saying when he says things to me in order to make me think that I'm not sure what I'm thinking even though I am sure what I am thinking and I am sure that you aren't sure at all! It's pretty clear.
But if it's time you want, then it's time you shall have. In fact, I will give you the opportunity to win extra time! That's how nice I am! Here are five important questions. For each correct answer you will receive one extra day to live. Remember, these are not trick questions. Every question has a correct and incorrect answer (except #5, that’s a trick!!!). Ready? Great! Get out your #2 Pencil, and go!
1) What is better, odd numbers or even numbers?
2) You are playing a round of golf at the TPC of Djibouti with the world famous map expert, Mr. Rand McNally. After hitting a cut six iron into #4 green, setting himself up for an easy birdie, he turns to you and says: "blader, I've been thinking of getting rid of longitude or latitude. I really don't see why we need both. Which one should we get rid of, and why?"
What do you say to him?
3) Hammer is to nail as blader’s driver is to:
a) Shank
b) Don’t choose this one, b! Don’t pick b, seriously.
c) Hook into trees
d) Banana slice
4) What weighs more, blue or yellow?
5) Name a successful policy that has been implemented by the administration of George W Bush.
1) This is the trick question, you tool. And the correct answer is rational numbers, which you probably think are so named because they are the numbers that "make sense".
2) I'd say, "Mr. McNally, we've already done the flat earth thing, so if you must lose one, lose the latitudes. People will be much happier living in a tall earth.
3) b
4)The correct answer is 'blue'. And no, I didn't "google" the answer...everybody knows blue light has more photons.
5) Without a doubt their most successful policy has been their ironclad committment not to NOT invade Djibouti for as long as humanely possible. This is particularly successful given their precipitiously dire politcal circumstances. I'm sure they feel enormous pressure right now to start another war in the third world.
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