Victory in Major Battle of Global War on Evolution

Colleagues-With both immutable glee and a considerable immutable resolve I write this memo to share some glorious news. Not long ago, with the darkly stunning decision of our leaders to protect a vast marine island habitat, we experienced a major setback in the global war on evolution, one that caused me considerable grief and despair.

This is a war we MUST continue to fight, and not waver in our resolve, if we have any hope of ridding the diabolical scourge of evolution on this planet.

But, oh how quickly our spirits can be lifted!!!

I've just received this confidential document from a Blader Industries, Inc. associate running deep cover in a brothel located on the outskirts of the Hong Kong city center. I don't need to add that she secured this information at great personal risk of contracting a venereal disease. But I digress.

The document describes that a group of Darwinists out on chautauqua have concluded the inevitable extinction of a large fish, the rare white river dolphin or baiji (Lipotes vexillifer), a species thought to have migrated into and populated the Yangtze River basin some 20 million years ago. Talk about wearing out your welcome!! LOL!!

Well, I could go on and on, particularly about the wisdom of a large fish "evolving" that is completely incapable of breathing underwater, but here is the money shot:

Randall Reeves, chairman of the Swiss-based World Conservation Union's Cetacean Specialist Group, who took part in the Yangtze mission, said expedition participants were surprised at how quickly the dolphins disappeared.

"Some of us didn't want to believe that this would really happen, especially so quickly," he said. "This particular species is the only living representative of a whole family of mammals. This is the end of a whole branch of evolution."

That's our mission colleagues. Let's once again become masters of our own destiny: Let's end evolution, one whole branch at a time.

Bush Orchestrates Major Setback in Global War on Evolution

I awoke yesterday from a long sleep, deeply disappointed to see that my good friend and former copulatory industry angel investor and visionary, George Doubleyou Bush, has flip flopped on an crucial issue. He has signed documents recently creating the largest marineland national monument in the Hawaiian archipelago, preserving a unique ecosystem for generations to come. This is disturbing for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, you hate to see a world leader of his stature flip flop on any issue. You stake a claim and hold on to it fast. But this is the kind of flip flop that will resonate loudly both domestically and internationally. My goodness, what will our enemies think? This morning, his spine looks to have the tensile strength of an overcooked piece of rigatoni.

Secondly, and most importantly, I can't imagine a worse setback in the global war on evolution. Everybody knows that islands are hotbeds of evolution and speciation. This decision preserves not just one, but several isolated ecosytems upon which evolutionary processes will run completely unchecked. This sets back any hopes of stomping out evolution in our childrens' life time, something we'll need to accomplish ruthlessly and deliberately, one archipelago at a time, if we have any hope of success.

Finally, in this decision, he shows an uncanny ability to ignore and jettison his political base on the right for obviously expedient, but unclear, political purposes. We elected him because he promised to protect our homeland from the evil forces of evolution. Through this flip flop, he has forsaken us when we least expected it.