Great Moments in Kazoology: v4.12

V.P. Cheney injures back moving; wheelchair bound

V.P. Dick Cheney is apparently ok, but a little sore after hurting his back lifting boxes while packing to move.

Blader Industries, Inc., has acquired a recording of Cheney's performance in his very last daily national intelligence estimate meeting with the Bush administration:

24 Plot Prognostication: Noon to 1pm

The following will happen between noon and 1pm:

When we last saw Jack, the Prime Minister of Sengala had just been spirited into his safe room, to evade pursuit by Emerson's team of rouge mercenaries hell bent on enriching themselves while destroying Western Civilization. Using a 6 iron cast from 40/10 steel grabbed from a golf bag lying nearby, Jack was futilely clawing at the safe room, attempting to gain entry.

When the hour begins, Jack will have found the room's ventilation duct. Emerson instructs his agents to remove the duct, and begin farting into register so as to smoke the Prime Minister and his wife from the room. She goes comatose, the Prime Minister relents, and the two are captured.

Jacqueline Bowers, who had tortured Sniper Tanner to learn of this plot against the Prime Minister, arrives too late to stop the kidnapping, but not too late to make eye contact with Jack Bauer. She is red-headed livid, if you catch my drift. Jack finds this very appealing, and using just his eyes and a penetrating gaze, explains that there isn't enough time to fully explain that he is not, in fact, a bad guy. She is unconvinced, but also inexplicably experiences a deep rooted sexual stirring which she mistakes for an urge to torture someone, so runs back to the hospital to nail Sniper Tanner again.

President Taylor finds herself in a horrible conundrum. She's been frustrated all morning by the fact that the government IT department refuses to allow that a simple way exists to construct a new firewall against the terrorists. Then she gets really mad when she calls them at noon, only to find out they've all gone to lunch and won't be back for the hour.

She then has her 37th argument with Ethan Kanin, her Chief of Staff, about whether it would be better to allow innocent Americans die, or innocent trible Africans in some out of the way 3rd world emirate that nobody has ever heard of before. Kanin, brilliantly, continues his Socratic approach to helping her work through this problem. Sure, Kanin seems like the evil insider, but that is a bit too obvious at this early hour. Our projection algorithm is uncertain on this point.

First Ladyman Henry Taylor continues his free fall into madness. It finally becomes clear that his quest to find the murderer of his some is but a stylistic metaphor representing his lost car keys.

Saving our most remarkable projections for last, we have calculated with 97.373602% certainty that A) Jack will not torture anyone in this episode, even benevolently, and B) the bumbling Agent/Director Moss will still not be fired from his position for botching absolutely everything about this investigation.

Finally, Tony's wife will remain dead.

How'd we do? 10a-noon

Just as we predicted, Jack Bauers asked the stunning red-headed FBI agent, Jacqueline Bowers, to be his girlfriend. And she accepted, if only briefly.

She broke off the relationship because her uber boss, Agent director or something Moss, in a fit of jealousy, kicked Jack Bauer off the case.

But not before Jack, while crushing his windpipe, heard Tony utter a top secret cold red alert message "deep sky" known only to CTU agents and now everybody else in the world. As you see, we correctly predicted Jack would torture Tony, but really, a Namibian yellow tailed newt would have seen that one coming, so not a lot of credit is owed us for that one.

Rightly suspecting Tony is, in fact, a good guy, Jack then called 411 to get the number of the CTU headquarters to find out just what the heck is going on here, and we soon learn Rumsfeld viewed CTU as a threat to his planned hegemony over US government intelligence operations, cutting it back to a skeleton staff consistenting of Bill Buchanan and, fortunately, Chloe.

Receiving the call, Bill, a bit frustrated with Jack for interfering in an extremely urgent top top top top top secret undercover operation involving Tony--so secret that Bill is now disguised wearing a beard--and told Jack, who he hadn't seen in years, all about it in about 30 seconds.

This was fairly predictable. Tony was, of course, quite despondant, not only over the loss of his wife, but also because of his own death. But, hey! No way a CTU agent like Tony turns on his government. Only a complete buffoon would think that is even remotely possible. Fortunately, for the purposes of drama and plot, such a buffoon in the character of David Emerson is currently running a Blackwater-type mercenary intelligence service comprised of said renegade and disaffected former government agent ne'r do wells.

It seems the most significant plot aspect we missed was that, in order to escape from FBI headquarters, Jack, in a poignant moment unlike any other in the series, was forced to skillfully torture Jacqueline to within a heartbeat of her life. We also failed to predict that the FBI would stop to question why Jack, after working so hard to get Tony into FBI headquarters, would suddenly work harder to spring him. Fortunately, the real writers of the show failed to get that into the plot, too, so the issue is a push.

Thus, one can fully understand why Jack and Jacqueline had to break up. Indeed, when Agent Bowers awoke from her near death experience, she swore a blood oath to capture and kill Jack Bauer. Since he'd long escaped by then, she went over to the hospital and tortured Sniper Tanner instead. Speaking of Sniper Tanner, we admit failing to predict that Sniper Tanner, who suffered a gunshot wound to his upper thorax in the 8-10am period, would be hospitalized in the 10a-noon episode with an abdominal gunshot wound.

FBI Agent Jacqueline Bowers is a breathtakingly beautiful woman, especially for a redhead. But if we've learned one thing, characters in 24 who seek vengeance against Jack Bauer tend to be short lived. So we're afraid it won't end well for her. She'll be truly lucky if she never catches Jack.

Of course, as predicted, Jack and Tony managed to escape from the heavily fortified FBI headquarters. The FBI agents were rather hapless in this regard. Indeed, we had predicted the two would evade a Keystone Cop-like pursuit, but had presumed they'd be chased by a Chechen mafia, not elite FBI operatives.

What we appeared to have missed in our prediction was that the organizing plot element for the entire day is the blackmail of a hopelessly unsure President Taylor by the Chief Shaman of a small, otherwise unremarkable African country if not for the fact that it was orchestrating the genocide of 1,583,798 people under his control. She now faces the difficult decision between two horrible choices. If she stands up to the terrorists and those who support the terrorists tens of thousands of anonymous negroes living in a remote, unheard of African village will face death at the sword of General Duma. If she stares the terrorists down, thousands of US citizens who voted for her in the last election will die.

Oh, yeah..... and a collaborator of this African Shaman exists within her close inner circle--most likely her husband, who is slowly going insane because their son who probably didn't commit suicide was buried with the only set of keys to their BMW. We missed that one, too.

The world seen from a dog's point of view

Did you ever wonder what colors your dog perceives? If you haven't, don't worry, because other people have.

She isn't blind to all colors, she just doesn't see red and greens like her master. But she sees blues and yellows pretty well.

The picture at left is a composite. On the left is a picture that I took out in a mid-western corn field, while out walking Blader dog. On the right is the same piece of corn but the picture was taken by Blader dog, after I got her to sit still for a while and focus on the task at hand.* It is almost like you can't really blame Blader dog for acting like she thinks she is on another planet.

If you don't have a dog who can be trained to take dog-view pictures for you, then you can use color blindness simulators to achieve a similar effect.

*warning: do not attempt this trick with shepherds, pointers, poodles, spaniels or especially terriers and mixed-breeds thereof.

24 Plot Prognostication: 10a and noon

The following will happen between 10a and noon:

When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was waving sheepishly at a helicopter hovering just overhead carrying the evil FBI taskforce overlord Larry.

Jack had just captured his BFF Tony Almeida just an instant before Tony would have blown out the brains of the plucky and stunningly attractive red-headed FBI special agent, Jacqueline Bowers. In this episode, it will be revealed that Evil FBI boss Larry is not a Chechen operative, but instead possesses a paralyzing middle-school crush on Jacqueline, and will become enraged when he discovers that Jack and Jacqueline have tacitly agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend...tomorrow, when the crisis has been narrowly averted.

Careful viewers of the previous episode will note that Jacqueline, in perhaps the most inspiring fit of telepathic harmonic convergence ever depicted upon TV, has correctly deduced that the Chechen terrorists possess not some disposable, slobbering whimpy computer software engineer, but a real evil and omnipotent plug and play "device" that can be connected to an computer running on a Windows-based operating system and used to regulate the power grid, dams, air traffic, sewage treatment plants, air traffic control systems, porn sites...virtualy anything that can be plugged into (and unplugged from) the entire intergoogles!

In capturing Tony, Jack and Jacqueline were forced to humanely slaughter his small, incompetent band of Chechen rebels, including Sniper Tanner, thus destroying any further leads they might hope to have developed.

Therefore, the brave but despondent duo will transport Tony to the FBI rendition and torture facilities. Other than the time Jack Bauer tortured his own daughter in episode 5, this will rate as the most difficult torture scene in the entire 24 franchise, simply because Tony is such a good friend....and of course Jack's heartless sadism. A disciple of the master Sun Zi, Tony will provide almost no useful information other than a delicious recipe for cirdingis, a traditional Chechen meal which is otherwise known as Grozny's answer to kung pao chicken. This recipe will be of no immediate help, however, since there won't be enough time to stop for lunch.

Nevertheless, the revelation is enough to save Tony from death by torture because it will force Jack to realize Tony is under the control of some other being. Tony will be saved once again after the three are attacked by agents of Tony's Chechen borg, while driving a government issue tan Ford SUV. The SUV will overturn during the assault, and explode in a fireball just after Jack and Jacky drag Tony from the vehicle, which had somehow magically transformed into an identically colored Jeep Grand Cherokee moments before the explosion.

Tony will subsequently be released upon his own recognizance after turning over his passport and keys to his boats and cars. Tony will then be subpoenaed to testify before the congressional committee, where he will suddenly fly into a fit of rage, pull a Brian Nichols, and die again.

Just who are these evil terrorists who love terror so much that they'd create a computer device that can rule the world? And just what do they seek to achieve with this device?

We have hints suggesting that the true evil mastermind behind this ingeneous and technologically sophisticated plot is none other than the leader of a rebel militia of kidnapped child soldiers from some backwater African emirate.

However, our sophisticated modeling software, inspired by the work of Intergoogle Star Nate Silver, consistently yields a 98.9732829083730q6246775595% probability that the true mastermind is that disturbing clown king.

How'd we do? 24 Plot Prognostication: 8a-10a

It pleases me to the brink of flatulence to report our prognostication was spot-on in many respects, including one key plot element....there actually WAS a boat in this episode and one of the key brutal but humanely necessary torture scenes in the televised plot occurred on or near a boat!!!

Following a brisk swim up from the Caribbean sea, an exhausted Jack Bauer beached himself somewhere on the Chesapeake bay shore, where he was arrested by federal agents. After showering and shaving, the 8a-10a episode began with Jack confessing crimes against humanity before a congressional committee, rather than parachuting out over the ocean from a supersonic transcontinental helicopter. But, really, are the two activities much different?

We were slightly off in our prediction on the role played by Angus McGyver. But, we earn credit because he was in the program. Did you guys notice who Angus McGyver disguised himself as? Yep! He was Joker Schlecter's big huge bodyguard--the one who had his arm broken by Jack's lovely FBI escort, the striking red headed agent, Jacqueline Bower, played by actress Renee Walker--just before he was put out of his misery and killed by a Chechnyan sniper cleverly named 'Tanner', shooting from a roof across the street.

Furthermore, as we predicted, Condi Rice played a crucial role in the episode. What we admittedly missed badly is that she first appeared in the war room as a newly petulant-if not a bit uppity-transgendered and skin-lightened Secretary of State. What we appeared to have missed is not predicting very well the profound effect the hormones would have on her work product and ability to serve President Taylor with timely memo's and position statements. She's become quite the slacker as a man, eh?!

We slightly missed on predicting the ending. We approached the 10am hour not with Jack Bauer hiding underwater for hours somewhere in the desolate Carribean ocean, but instead after having captured his BFF, the undeadTony Almeida, who has obviously been assimilated against his wishes into a Chechyan rebel terrorist cell/borg.

I'll hurry and get up tonight's 10:00 to noon plot prognostication for you guys, just as soon as I finish flossing my teeth.

24 Plot Prognostication: 8a-10a

The following will occur between the hours of 8a and 10a:

When we last saw Jack, he was in eastern Africa, handcuffed and placed with a group of helpless orphans onto the floor of a supersonic helicopter headed to the western hemisphere...where the plans are to shove him out while passing over Cuba to be personally renditioned, interred and tortured at GITMO by Condi Rice, in retribution for ruthlessly violating a direct order by murdering a bunch of corrupt Chinese embassy staff a long time ago because you.just.can't.do.that.to.our.American.friends.

I'm guessing that after disabling the entire air crew by shear will power coupled with a steely yet pleading gaze, he hops out of the helicopter somewhere over or around the Lesser Antilles. Where he is plucked from the water by a wandering and seemingly lost band of Chechnyan rebels, cleverly disguised as Guatemalan sport fisherman guides.

Their client that day is Angus MacGyver, who, disturbed by recurring homoerotic fantasies involving Murdoc as a woman's shoe salesman, had been living out his life drinking sweet dark rum in a self-imposed Caribbean exile.

Well-schooled in American pop-culture, the Chechnyan's plan is to force the grieving MacGyver to construct an intercontinental nuclear missle launcher fashioned from material on board their craft, including a role of duct tape, a 1100 yard spool of 200 lb Jinkai line, three 'C' size Energizer batteries, and two eight foot long Daiwa TD-S Surf Rods.

Sensing something is not right, Jack tricks the dullest of the Chechnyans down to the engine compartment. To find out what is going on, he initiates this particular hour's single act of benevolent torture by slowly dripping battery acid up his nostril until, through mental telepathy and Jack's acute deductive powers, he reasons the group must be transporting a 10 megaton Tsar Bomba-like hydrogen bomb device purchased from agents within the former Soviet Union with the assistance of a corrupt midwestern politician, who is also a secret agent for the Serbian Sluzba Drzavne Bezbednosti. We sense he is motivated to seek retribution against the newly elected Madam President.

A scuffle ensues. The expendable Angus MacGyver is, finally, put out of his misery to never again appear on American TV. Then the hour ends with Jack deep underwater, holding his breath, until after waiting 4 hours for him to reappear on the surface, the Chechnyans wrongly conclude that he must have certainly perished and steam off to continue their mad plan, albeit slightly moderated. Battery-Acid-Up-the-Nostrils is livid with the rage of unrequited revenge.

Of course, we viewers know he'll get another chance.

Revival of the hugely poplular Plot Element Prognostications for 24

At Blader Industries, Inc., we pride ourselves in listening to our customers.

Because of a flood of interest, and because the hit TV series has begun again after a long layoff, the Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc., has approved my request to revive the 24 Plot Element Prognostication product that our customers have come to love and enjoy.

We'll shortly post our prognostication of the 8a-10a plot, and our evaluation of just how well the actual program followed our prognostication. Then we'll post our prognostication of the 10a-noon plot. And then we'll follow that up. Etc and so forth.

Thank you for your interest in Blader Industries, Inc., and our family of wholesome products designed to suit your copulation needs!

Dylan Diversion

Great Moments in Intergooglerogatories: sc I Didn't Know That!!

Today, whilst performing vigorous interrgooglerogatories using the search term "female pudendum" I stumbled upon a word I never knew: merkin

And then I remembered President Merkin Muffley in Dr. Strangelove, and suddenly, everything made that much more sense.