Monday, January 12, 2009

24 Plot Prognostication: 8a-10a

The following will occur between the hours of 8a and 10a:

When we last saw Jack, he was in eastern Africa, handcuffed and placed with a group of helpless orphans onto the floor of a supersonic helicopter headed to the western hemisphere...where the plans are to shove him out while passing over Cuba to be personally renditioned, interred and tortured at GITMO by Condi Rice, in retribution for ruthlessly violating a direct order by murdering a bunch of corrupt Chinese embassy staff a long time ago because you.just.can'

I'm guessing that after disabling the entire air crew by shear will power coupled with a steely yet pleading gaze, he hops out of the helicopter somewhere over or around the Lesser Antilles. Where he is plucked from the water by a wandering and seemingly lost band of Chechnyan rebels, cleverly disguised as Guatemalan sport fisherman guides.

Their client that day is Angus MacGyver, who, disturbed by recurring homoerotic fantasies involving Murdoc as a woman's shoe salesman, had been living out his life drinking sweet dark rum in a self-imposed Caribbean exile.

Well-schooled in American pop-culture, the Chechnyan's plan is to force the grieving MacGyver to construct an intercontinental nuclear missle launcher fashioned from material on board their craft, including a role of duct tape, a 1100 yard spool of 200 lb Jinkai line, three 'C' size Energizer batteries, and two eight foot long Daiwa TD-S Surf Rods.

Sensing something is not right, Jack tricks the dullest of the Chechnyans down to the engine compartment. To find out what is going on, he initiates this particular hour's single act of benevolent torture by slowly dripping battery acid up his nostril until, through mental telepathy and Jack's acute deductive powers, he reasons the group must be transporting a 10 megaton Tsar Bomba-like hydrogen bomb device purchased from agents within the former Soviet Union with the assistance of a corrupt midwestern politician, who is also a secret agent for the Serbian Sluzba Drzavne Bezbednosti. We sense he is motivated to seek retribution against the newly elected Madam President.

A scuffle ensues. The expendable Angus MacGyver is, finally, put out of his misery to never again appear on American TV. Then the hour ends with Jack deep underwater, holding his breath, until after waiting 4 hours for him to reappear on the surface, the Chechnyans wrongly conclude that he must have certainly perished and steam off to continue their mad plan, albeit slightly moderated. Battery-Acid-Up-the-Nostrils is livid with the rage of unrequited revenge.

Of course, we viewers know he'll get another chance.

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