Monday, January 12, 2009

24 Plot Prognostication: 10a and noon

The following will happen between 10a and noon:

When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was waving sheepishly at a helicopter hovering just overhead carrying the evil FBI taskforce overlord Larry.

Jack had just captured his BFF Tony Almeida just an instant before Tony would have blown out the brains of the plucky and stunningly attractive red-headed FBI special agent, Jacqueline Bowers. In this episode, it will be revealed that Evil FBI boss Larry is not a Chechen operative, but instead possesses a paralyzing middle-school crush on Jacqueline, and will become enraged when he discovers that Jack and Jacqueline have tacitly agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend...tomorrow, when the crisis has been narrowly averted.

Careful viewers of the previous episode will note that Jacqueline, in perhaps the most inspiring fit of telepathic harmonic convergence ever depicted upon TV, has correctly deduced that the Chechen terrorists possess not some disposable, slobbering whimpy computer software engineer, but a real evil and omnipotent plug and play "device" that can be connected to an computer running on a Windows-based operating system and used to regulate the power grid, dams, air traffic, sewage treatment plants, air traffic control systems, porn sites...virtualy anything that can be plugged into (and unplugged from) the entire intergoogles!

In capturing Tony, Jack and Jacqueline were forced to humanely slaughter his small, incompetent band of Chechen rebels, including Sniper Tanner, thus destroying any further leads they might hope to have developed.

Therefore, the brave but despondent duo will transport Tony to the FBI rendition and torture facilities. Other than the time Jack Bauer tortured his own daughter in episode 5, this will rate as the most difficult torture scene in the entire 24 franchise, simply because Tony is such a good friend....and of course Jack's heartless sadism. A disciple of the master Sun Zi, Tony will provide almost no useful information other than a delicious recipe for cirdingis, a traditional Chechen meal which is otherwise known as Grozny's answer to kung pao chicken. This recipe will be of no immediate help, however, since there won't be enough time to stop for lunch.

Nevertheless, the revelation is enough to save Tony from death by torture because it will force Jack to realize Tony is under the control of some other being. Tony will be saved once again after the three are attacked by agents of Tony's Chechen borg, while driving a government issue tan Ford SUV. The SUV will overturn during the assault, and explode in a fireball just after Jack and Jacky drag Tony from the vehicle, which had somehow magically transformed into an identically colored Jeep Grand Cherokee moments before the explosion.

Tony will subsequently be released upon his own recognizance after turning over his passport and keys to his boats and cars. Tony will then be subpoenaed to testify before the congressional committee, where he will suddenly fly into a fit of rage, pull a Brian Nichols, and die again.

Just who are these evil terrorists who love terror so much that they'd create a computer device that can rule the world? And just what do they seek to achieve with this device?

We have hints suggesting that the true evil mastermind behind this ingeneous and technologically sophisticated plot is none other than the leader of a rebel militia of kidnapped child soldiers from some backwater African emirate.

However, our sophisticated modeling software, inspired by the work of Intergoogle Star Nate Silver, consistently yields a 98.9732829083730q6246775595% probability that the true mastermind is that disturbing clown king.

1 comment:

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