Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Looming Battle in Global War on Evolution

As we all know from extensive 'scientific' research, the bonobo is the quirky, peaceful, almost hippie-like great ape species. Not known to engage in hostilities or violence, the scientific picture paints the bonobo as a fun loving animal possessesing an unquenchable sexual appetite--including a remarkable predilection to copulate incessantly, commit felatio, genital rubbing, masturbation, et cetera and so forth and so on. The Alfred E. Newman of the great apes, the bonobo hasn't a worry in the world and isn't afraid to show it in front of even casual observers!

This idea resonates strongly among humans, who have the remarkable cognitive ability to understand their limitations, but are less equipped to do something about it. What robust adolescent human male doesn't look at this and beg, "Why couldn't I have been born a bonobo?" And what head of state, upon declaring war against another country, hasn't paused to wish that if only Saddam Hussein was more like an irrepressible bonobo, none of this would be necessary.

And so the story goes.

And the evolutionists would tell you that if we can only understand the bonobo, scientifically speaking, we could get in touch with our true inner selves. From scientific study, we could learn from these 'cousins' from the Congolese jungles about not only our origins, but also how to behave better ourselves. The agenda of these evolutionists also implies that if we just knew what the bonobo knows, and could put it into practice, we wouldn't have need for corporations that service the defense sectors, or those such as Blader Industries, Inc., a vertically integrated conglomerate of enterprises and concerns that collectively operates on the principle that copulation among humans is more difficult to achieve, but must be encouraged, as no less than the survival of our species is at stake!

Well, it can by disturbing for some to occasionally see tidy scientific theories disturbed by such things as useful data, or by scientists compelled to establish the ecological veracity of previous work. But sure enough, there are people out there who think bonobo society in the wild is a bit more complicated than the picture of bonobo society that has been drawn mostly from observations of well-fed and cared for bonobo groups housed in comfortable suburban facilities and zoological parks.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

How to tell the difference between Richard Branson and myself


Not infrequently, I'm approached for autographs in hotel lobbies, airport bars, corporate washrooms, and any number of other public places. And I'm always happy to comply.

But not infrequently, I catch a look of disappointment when returning the signed item, as the fan suddenly realizes they've mistaken me for a certain someone else.

"I bet you were expecting Richard Branson?" I'd lead.

"Yes," they'd admit, weakly.

"He's also extremely photogenic," I'd begin, "with a goatee, a wicked, knowing smile, a virile head of strawberry blond hair, and that certain sense about him that you only see in tycoons. Tycoon magnetism"

Invariably the fan apologizes and attempt to retreat quickly, "Yes, yes, all that. Look, I'm very sorry to have taken your time, I need to get to my gate....." But these moments are an opportunity to 'provide a general lesson' and make a new fan of the Blader brand.

"Well, you thought I was Richard Branson but only now realize I don't really look a thing like him, right."

"Yes, now that you mention it, how could I be so stupid?"

I'd go on, "Look, I won't take much of your time other than to say that you were very close. Your instincts are spot on. Because we are both tycoons, Richard Branson and I are alike in many ways. The only reason he isn't mistaken for me when he is in airports is because he owns his own airline and is closely associated with that brand, and quite frankly, wouldn't be caught dead in this rinky-dink airport lounge. "

Invariably, the fan looks rather pensive and anxious by this point, saying "Yes, that makes sense. Look, I really need to catch my...."

"So," I'd interrupt, "you want to know the most simple way to tell the difference between myself and Richard Branson?"

"ah, sure, why not?"

"If I was Richard Branson, I'd be lifting that cocktail waitress over there, hold her over the threshold, and sorta wait for people to come by and take pictures of us. Richard Branson just loves lifting beautiful women, especially models and real estate agents, whereas I can't possibly do something lik that because of L1-L2 fusion surgery I had after an old quarry diving accident. That's probably the biggest difference between us."

Friday, July 13, 2007

What would Richard Branson do?

There comes a time in every CEO's life when s/he faces a moral dilemma, a moment when he can either man up and take an ethically challenging situation head on, or punt the issue and deflect the slime storm elsewhere, hoping it sticks, like, on the CEO's grandson or nephew or the homeless guy who spends all day in the park across the street.

When facing these crossroads, when trying to decide what would be the right thing to do, over the years I've learned to pause and ask, "What would Richard Branson do?"

Without any question, Richard Branson and I are not unlike in many ways. In fact, he and I are often mistaken for each other in airport bars, hotel lobbies and corporate washrooms. Like myself, Richard Branson is an irrepressible goateed founder, CEO and head visionary of a vertically integrated multinational conglomerate of horizontally positioned subsidiaries, divisions, chapters and whatnot. Both of our sources of wisdom, fame and wealth are somewhat elusive to the casual reader.

So, let me assure my colleagues and also the Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc., that were I to post anonymously on the internets, I would do so as myself, and not anonymously and certainly not using a clumsy, sophomoric anagram of Mrs. Blader's name. Unlike John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, Inc., Richard Branson and I know that great privilege, and responsibility, comes with the CEO title.