Thursday, December 01, 2005

The JDerion FAQ

And the utility of redheaded subjects in pre-market testing
Prologue--I recently received a series of unsolicited email messages that I initially dismissed as gibberish. Thinking more about them during a five day sleepless chautauqua, where I primed myself each morning by ingesting a very small maintenance dose of peyote extract, it suddenly struck me that these messages were, in fact, rambling and sometimes pornographic demands from JDerion.


It won’t be helpful to share those messages with you in their entirety as a matter of simple pragmatism: It’s highly improbable you’d be able to replicate the altered state of consciousness I achieved that was necessary to decipher their meaning. Besides, to print them off would consume the equivalent of 200 pages of text.

So, to summarize his salient point, JDerion wrote me to insist that, since I have previously published my very own FAQ, he also deserves to have his FAQ published.

In principle and fairness, it’s not difficult to see some logic behind this. You, my loyal reader, deserve to know more about JDerion…and you SHOULD hear it in his own words. I’ve thought about this matter deeply and reached the conclusion that I have little to fear from giving him a voice on these pages. I’m certain that upon careful and open analysis, you are likely to draw many of the same conclusions as I have about his character.

However, I want to make it explicitly clear that mortal threat, extortion, and malfeasance underlies the publication of JDerion’s FAQ below. He resorted to these tactics because he lacked sufficient confidence that I would share his concerns with you in a fair and impartial manner.

His most alarming threat is one that forces me to post his FAQ in some haste. For unless I do otherwise, he has promised to grind into bone meal over 20,000 squirrel baculum that he’s collected from one of our recently discontinued products. What’s even more despicable, JDerion threatens to use the bone meal to lace salt shakers in the cafeteria of a prominent Midwestern coeducational college prepatory Catholic High School. More horrifying, he claims he will close and lock all exits over the next several hours while he pipes in the collected works of Warren Zevon.

To fully explain the serious nature of this threat, and why he must be stopped, it’s necessary to peel back a few layers of mystery that surround JDerion and his association with Blader Industries, Inc. I’ve resisted sharing the shocking details of this information with you to this point, but now recognize that perhaps some good can come from your understanding of how our paths first intersected.

Several years ago, while taking night classes in algebra and accounting at a local community college, JDerion was selected by my human resources division to work on the day shift as an extract chemist for the New Jersey based Nutriceutical Research and Development subsidiary of Blader Industries, Inc. Let me state from the outset that I did not know the man during his employment with us. No, it’s not because I consider my factory workers as “little people”. But now that you mention it, to be honest, it’s no accident that they have their own bathrooms down there on the factory floor rather than a key to those in the executive suites.

In any event, his responsibilities were to prepare extracts from any number of natural products as a first phase in a program of research designed to identify aphrodisiacs. This is almost embarrassing to admit, so I point out only that these were early days at the Blader Industries, Inc., a time when we were actively probing in any number of directions to fulfill our corporate mission to enhance our customer’s copulatory experiences. Besides, at the time, aphrodisiacs weren’t the anachronism they are today.

In retrospect, what is most notable about JDerion’s personnel record during this period are his daily citations from supervisors for not wearing a protective respirator equipment to shield him from almost certain brain damage caused by the volatile organic solvents with which he worked. One supervisor even wrote, “I have NEVER once seen JDerion wear his mask. Worse, he spends most of his breaks respiring deeply above the dichloromethanol vat. He seems obsessed by the color. Did I mention that he also has a sickening body odor? If we fire him can I be the one to tell him?”

In my defense, these records didn’t come to my attention until long after he was dismissed from our company on the basis of poor personal hygiene, for refusing to cover up his extremely large calf muscles, and because his repeated self-exposure to dichloromethanol was causing him to expel little fragments of his hypothalamus every time he sneezed. Had I known him when he worked here, I would have pulled him aside and had a chat about his behavior. I regret this omission more than any other in my career, because much of everything with him that has occurred subsequently could have been avoided had I intervened.

Near the end of JDerion’s employment, I had returned from a Mongolian chautauqua, where I was deeply inspired by an intriguing bone meal grind highly valued by the indigenous. It was prepared from baculum harvested from the prolific wild Bactrian camel of the central Asian steppes.

At Blader Industries, Inc., we feel a duty to demystify ancient habits and practices, to scratch and see if they are buttressed by any reality. Sometimes they are, but more often we find devices of folklore are little more than a cultural prevarication passed down over the generations to hide some unpleasant truth. So I managed to collect the handful of Bactrian camel baculum from my host’s yurt while he was out with his herd, and brought them back to our laboratories for study.

In a now classic study, late one winter we distributed Bactrian camel baculum bone meal to specially selected volunteers, comprising every red headed worker at Blader Industries, Inc. At the company Christmas party several months later, the results were unequivocal: red headed infants outnumbered blonde and brunette infants by a whopping 10 to 1 margin. We knew we were on to something to something big. There can be no doubt JDerion saw these proprietary results, as he spent the entire evening slouched next to the punch bowl, lasciviously spying the ladies from the secretarial pool, who were engaged in a ribald game of strip truth or dare.

Our subsequent research quickly told us that baculum extracts from wild species were more potent than from domesticated animals. Our key observation was that rodent baculum had a more favorable activity profile than that of any other class of mammal, including the Bactrian camel.

You can imagine for yourself how we progressed from that point to our complete and legendary line of baculum-based products and services, which I won’t recount in great detail other than to mention that Dust o’ LustTM, our proprietary North American grey squirrel baculum-based bone meal, is regarded industry-wide as the most potent and effective pro-copulatory agent ever discovered. Independent analysis of our product conducted by UL, Consumer Reports and others consistently shows that as little as 2 ppm is sufficient to throw our customers into convulsions of passion necessitating either immediate sexual relief or emergency medical services, which ever comes first.

Unfortunately for him and us, JDerion played no significant role in the development of Dust o’ LustTM , although he was on the payroll at that time and had access to those who know our proprietary formula.

Suffice it to say that Blader Industries, Inc. is good corporate citizen, and we recognize the serious danger associated with releasing Dust o’ LustTM in a roomful of Catholic adolescents listening to Warren Zevon for the first time ever. We must do everything in our power to prevent such a tragedy.

For this reason, I’ve agreed to post the JDerion FAQ list, as transcribed by him to me. I can only assert that I have attempted to translate his FAQ list as carefully and faithfully as possible given the hallucinogens I was consuming at that time. To the best of my knowledge, what follows is precisely what he seeks to be published:
--Blader

The JDerion FAQ List as communicated to Blader by JDerion

Here are some questions that are frequently asked of me:

What time is it?
Do you have the time?
Have you seen the remote?
Have you seen the phone?
Did you remember to take out the trash?
Can you stop at the store on the way home?
Are you playing golf on Saturday?
Why don't you get as excited to hang out with me as you do to play golf?
Can you pass the butter?
What is it you do here?

I'd say that those are the ten most frequently asked questions I encounter. Do you want my frequently used responses, or just the questions?

Yours sincerely, JDerion

2 comments:

Tara Reid said...

Hi, I'm Tara Reid. You might remember me from classic films like "Josie and the Pussycats", "Van Wilder", and "Cruel Intentions Toward My Butchered Areola." I also love blogging! You have the best blog ever and I want to have a sexy time with you. Meet me at the Sheraton Buckhead Hotel on Lenox Road in Atlanta. It's right up the street from this fantastic fondue restaurant that has a pirate boat in the middle of it! I'd love to eat there, but I'm so scared of pirates Can you protect me? Post the time you want to meet right here on your amazing blog.

XOXO

Love,

Tara Reid, famous hot girl

PS: Don't worry, I'm really Tara Reid. This isn't a trap or anything like that, I swear!

tara reid said...

Hi, I'm Tara Reid. You might remember me from classic films like "American Pie 2", or the amazing television show "Taradise." You have not responded to my invitation to have fondue at a wonderful restaurant that is laden with pirates. Please let me know.

XOXO

Love,

Tara Reid, famous hot girl

PS: Hi, I'm Tara Reid. You might remember me from classic films like "American Pie 2", or the amazing television show "Taradise." You have not responded to my invitation to have fondue at a wonderful restaurant that is laden with pirates. Please let me know.