Blader, international man of leisure without portfolio

Farrah Fawcett RIP

2009-06-25T20:28:00.003+03:00

An entire generation of strapping, breathless and smiling young bucks was silently tucked to bed each night by Farrah and her nipple. Softcore poster porn will never be the same. Our mothers didn't tear these off of our bedroom doors because, I guess, because Farrah had the authority of being on TV.

h/t to curtis tucker.com

Great Moments in Kazoology: v4.12

2009-01-21T23:29:00.001+03:00

V.P. Cheney injures back moving; wheelchair bound

2009-01-20T17:34:00.003+03:00

V.P. Dick Cheney is apparently ok, but a little sore after hurting his back lifting boxes while packing to move.

Blader Industries, Inc., has acquired a recording of Cheney's performance in his very last daily national intelligence estimate meeting with the Bush administration:

24 Plot Prognostication: Noon to 1pm

2009-01-20T03:58:00.003+03:00

The following will happen between noon and 1pm:

When we last saw Jack, the Prime Minister of Sengala had just been spirited into his safe room, to evade pursuit by Emerson's team of rouge mercenaries hell bent on enriching themselves while destroying Western Civilization. Using a 6 iron cast from 40/10 steel grabbed from a golf bag lying nearby, Jack was futilely clawing at the safe room, attempting to gain entry.

When the hour begins, Jack will have found the room's ventilation duct. Emerson instructs his agents to remove the duct, and begin farting into register so as to smoke the Prime Minister and his wife from the room. She goes comatose, the Prime Minister relents, and the two are captured.

Jacqueline Bowers, who had tortured Sniper Tanner to learn of this plot against the Prime Minister, arrives too late to stop the kidnapping, but not too late to make eye contact with Jack Bauer. She is red-headed livid, if you catch my drift. Jack finds this very appealing, and using just his eyes and a penetrating gaze, explains that there isn't enough time to fully explain that he is not, in fact, a bad guy. She is unconvinced, but also inexplicably experiences a deep rooted sexual stirring which she mistakes for an urge to torture someone, so runs back to the hospital to nail Sniper Tanner again.

President Taylor finds herself in a horrible conundrum. She's been frustrated all morning by the fact that the government IT department refuses to allow that a simple way exists to construct a new firewall against the terrorists. Then she gets really mad when she calls them at noon, only to find out they've all gone to lunch and won't be back for the hour.

She then has her 37th argument with Ethan Kanin, her Chief of Staff, about whether it would be better to allow innocent Americans die, or innocent trible Africans in some out of the way 3rd world emirate that nobody has ever heard of before. Kanin, brilliantly, continues his Socratic approach to helping her work through this problem. Sure, Kanin seems like the evil insider, but that is a bit too obvious at this early hour. Our projection algorithm is uncertain on this point.

First Ladyman Henry Taylor continues his free fall into madness. It finally becomes clear that his quest to find the murderer of his some is but a stylistic metaphor representing his lost car keys.

Saving our most remarkable projections for last, we have calculated with 97.373602% certainty that A) Jack will not torture anyone in this episode, even benevolently, and B) the bumbling Agent/Director Moss will still not be fired from his position for botching absolutely everything about this investigation.

Finally, Tony's wife will remain dead.

How'd we do? 10a-noon

2009-01-20T02:47:00.004+03:00

Just as we predicted, Jack Bauers asked the stunning red-headed FBI agent, Jacqueline Bowers, to be his girlfriend. And she accepted, if only briefly.

She broke off the relationship because her uber boss, Agent director or something Moss, in a fit of jealousy, kicked Jack Bauer off the case.

But not before Jack, while crushing his windpipe, heard Tony utter a top secret cold red alert message "deep sky" known only to CTU agents and now everybody else in the world. As you see, we correctly predicted Jack would torture Tony, but really, a Namibian yellow tailed newt would have seen that one coming, so not a lot of credit is owed us for that one.

Rightly suspecting Tony is, in fact, a good guy, Jack then called 411 to get the number of the CTU headquarters to find out just what the heck is going on here, and we soon learn Rumsfeld viewed CTU as a threat to his planned hegemony over US government intelligence operations, cutting it back to a skeleton staff consistenting of Bill Buchanan and, fortunately, Chloe.

Receiving the call, Bill, a bit frustrated with Jack for interfering in an extremely urgent top top top top top secret undercover operation involving Tony--so secret that Bill is now disguised wearing a beard--and told Jack, who he hadn't seen in years, all about it in about 30 seconds.

This was fairly predictable. Tony was, of course, quite despondant, not only over the loss of his wife, but also because of his own death. But, hey! No way a CTU agent like Tony turns on his government. Only a complete buffoon would think that is even remotely possible. Fortunately, for the purposes of drama and plot, such a buffoon in the character of David Emerson is currently running a Blackwater-type mercenary intelligence service comprised of said renegade and disaffected former government agent ne'r do wells.

It seems the most significant plot aspect we missed was that, in order to escape from FBI headquarters, Jack, in a poignant moment unlike any other in the series, was forced to skillfully torture Jacqueline to within a heartbeat of her life. We also failed to predict that the FBI would stop to question why Jack, after working so hard to get Tony into FBI headquarters, would suddenly work harder to spring him. Fortunately, the real writers of the show failed to get that into the plot, too, so the issue is a push.

Thus, one can fully understand why Jack and Jacqueline had to break up. Indeed, when Agent Bowers awoke from her near death experience, she swore a blood oath to capture and kill Jack Bauer. Since he'd long escaped by then, she went over to the hospital and tortured Sniper Tanner instead. Speaking of Sniper Tanner, we admit failing to predict that Sniper Tanner, who suffered a gunshot wound to his upper thorax in the 8-10am period, would be hospitalized in the 10a-noon episode with an abdominal gunshot wound.

FBI Agent Jacqueline Bowers is a breathtakingly beautiful woman, especially for a redhead. But if we've learned one thing, characters in 24 who seek vengeance against Jack Bauer tend to be short lived. So we're afraid it won't end well for her. She'll be truly lucky if she never catches Jack.

Of course, as predicted, Jack and Tony managed to escape from the heavily fortified FBI headquarters. The FBI agents were rather hapless in this regard. Indeed, we had predicted the two would evade a Keystone Cop-like pursuit, but had presumed they'd be chased by a Chechen mafia, not elite FBI operatives.

What we appeared to have missed in our prediction was that the organizing plot element for the entire day is the blackmail of a hopelessly unsure President Taylor by the Chief Shaman of a small, otherwise unremarkable African country if not for the fact that it was orchestrating the genocide of 1,583,798 people under his control. She now faces the difficult decision between two horrible choices. If she stands up to the terrorists and those who support the terrorists tens of thousands of anonymous negroes living in a remote, unheard of African village will face death at the sword of General Duma. If she stares the terrorists down, thousands of US citizens who voted for her in the last election will die.

Oh, yeah..... and a collaborator of this African Shaman exists within her close inner circle--most likely her husband, who is slowly going insane because their son who probably didn't commit suicide was buried with the only set of keys to their BMW. We missed that one, too.

The world seen from a dog's point of view

2009-01-13T19:33:00.004+03:00

Did you ever wonder what colors your dog perceives? If you haven't, don't worry, because other people have.

She isn't blind to all colors, she just doesn't see red and greens like her master. But she sees blues and yellows pretty well.

The picture at left is a composite. On the left is a picture that I took out in a mid-western corn field, while out walking Blader dog. On the right is the same piece of corn but the picture was taken by Blader dog, after I got her to sit still for a while and focus on the task at hand.* It is almost like you can't really blame Blader dog for acting like she thinks she is on another planet.

If you don't have a dog who can be trained to take dog-view pictures for you, then you can use color blindness simulators to achieve a similar effect.

*warning: do not attempt this trick with shepherds, pointers, poodles, spaniels or especially terriers and mixed-breeds thereof.

24 Plot Prognostication: 10a and noon

2009-01-12T23:54:00.003+03:00

The following will happen between 10a and noon:

When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was waving sheepishly at a helicopter hovering just overhead carrying the evil FBI taskforce overlord Larry.

Jack had just captured his BFF Tony Almeida just an instant before Tony would have blown out the brains of the plucky and stunningly attractive red-headed FBI special agent, Jacqueline Bowers. In this episode, it will be revealed that Evil FBI boss Larry is not a Chechen operative, but instead possesses a paralyzing middle-school crush on Jacqueline, and will become enraged when he discovers that Jack and Jacqueline have tacitly agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend...tomorrow, when the crisis has been narrowly averted.

Careful viewers of the previous episode will note that Jacqueline, in perhaps the most inspiring fit of telepathic harmonic convergence ever depicted upon TV, has correctly deduced that the Chechen terrorists possess not some disposable, slobbering whimpy computer software engineer, but a real evil and omnipotent plug and play "device" that can be connected to an computer running on a Windows-based operating system and used to regulate the power grid, dams, air traffic, sewage treatment plants, air traffic control systems, porn sites...virtualy anything that can be plugged into (and unplugged from) the entire intergoogles!

In capturing Tony, Jack and Jacqueline were forced to humanely slaughter his small, incompetent band of Chechen rebels, including Sniper Tanner, thus destroying any further leads they might hope to have developed.

Therefore, the brave but despondent duo will transport Tony to the FBI rendition and torture facilities. Other than the time Jack Bauer tortured his own daughter in episode 5, this will rate as the most difficult torture scene in the entire 24 franchise, simply because Tony is such a good friend....and of course Jack's heartless sadism. A disciple of the master Sun Zi, Tony will provide almost no useful information other than a delicious recipe for cirdingis, a traditional Chechen meal which is otherwise known as Grozny's answer to kung pao chicken. This recipe will be of no immediate help, however, since there won't be enough time to stop for lunch.

Nevertheless, the revelation is enough to save Tony from death by torture because it will force Jack to realize Tony is under the control of some other being. Tony will be saved once again after the three are attacked by agents of Tony's Chechen borg, while driving a government issue tan Ford SUV. The SUV will overturn during the assault, and explode in a fireball just after Jack and Jacky drag Tony from the vehicle, which had somehow magically transformed into an identically colored Jeep Grand Cherokee moments before the explosion.

Tony will subsequently be released upon his own recognizance after turning over his passport and keys to his boats and cars. Tony will then be subpoenaed to testify before the congressional committee, where he will suddenly fly into a fit of rage, pull a Brian Nichols, and die again.

Just who are these evil terrorists who love terror so much that they'd create a computer device that can rule the world? And just what do they seek to achieve with this device?

We have hints suggesting that the true evil mastermind behind this ingeneous and technologically sophisticated plot is none other than the leader of a rebel militia of kidnapped child soldiers from some backwater African emirate.

However, our sophisticated modeling software, inspired by the work of Intergoogle Star Nate Silver, consistently yields a 98.9732829083730q6246775595% probability that the true mastermind is that disturbing clown king.

How'd we do? 24 Plot Prognostication: 8a-10a

2009-01-12T22:01:00.004+03:00

It pleases me to the brink of flatulence to report our prognostication was spot-on in many respects, including one key plot element....there actually WAS a boat in this episode and one of the key brutal but humanely necessary torture scenes in the televised plot occurred on or near a boat!!!

Following a brisk swim up from the Caribbean sea, an exhausted Jack Bauer beached himself somewhere on the Chesapeake bay shore, where he was arrested by federal agents. After showering and shaving, the 8a-10a episode began with Jack confessing crimes against humanity before a congressional committee, rather than parachuting out over the ocean from a supersonic transcontinental helicopter. But, really, are the two activities much different?

We were slightly off in our prediction on the role played by Angus McGyver. But, we earn credit because he was in the program. Did you guys notice who Angus McGyver disguised himself as? Yep! He was Joker Schlecter's big huge bodyguard--the one who had his arm broken by Jack's lovely FBI escort, the striking red headed agent, Jacqueline Bower, played by actress Renee Walker--just before he was put out of his misery and killed by a Chechnyan sniper cleverly named 'Tanner', shooting from a roof across the street.

Furthermore, as we predicted, Condi Rice played a crucial role in the episode. What we admittedly missed badly is that she first appeared in the war room as a newly petulant-if not a bit uppity-transgendered and skin-lightened Secretary of State. What we appeared to have missed is not predicting very well the profound effect the hormones would have on her work product and ability to serve President Taylor with timely memo's and position statements. She's become quite the slacker as a man, eh?!

We slightly missed on predicting the ending. We approached the 10am hour not with Jack Bauer hiding underwater for hours somewhere in the desolate Carribean ocean, but instead after having captured his BFF, the undeadTony Almeida, who has obviously been assimilated against his wishes into a Chechyan rebel terrorist cell/borg.

I'll hurry and get up tonight's 10:00 to noon plot prognostication for you guys, just as soon as I finish flossing my teeth.

24 Plot Prognostication: 8a-10a

2009-01-12T21:56:00.003+03:00

The following will occur between the hours of 8a and 10a:

When we last saw Jack, he was in eastern Africa, handcuffed and placed with a group of helpless orphans onto the floor of a supersonic helicopter headed to the western hemisphere...where the plans are to shove him out while passing over Cuba to be personally renditioned, interred and tortured at GITMO by Condi Rice, in retribution for ruthlessly violating a direct order by murdering a bunch of corrupt Chinese embassy staff a long time ago because you.just.can't.do.that.to.our.American.friends.

I'm guessing that after disabling the entire air crew by shear will power coupled with a steely yet pleading gaze, he hops out of the helicopter somewhere over or around the Lesser Antilles. Where he is plucked from the water by a wandering and seemingly lost band of Chechnyan rebels, cleverly disguised as Guatemalan sport fisherman guides.

Their client that day is Angus MacGyver, who, disturbed by recurring homoerotic fantasies involving Murdoc as a woman's shoe salesman, had been living out his life drinking sweet dark rum in a self-imposed Caribbean exile.

Well-schooled in American pop-culture, the Chechnyan's plan is to force the grieving MacGyver to construct an intercontinental nuclear missle launcher fashioned from material on board their craft, including a role of duct tape, a 1100 yard spool of 200 lb Jinkai line, three 'C' size Energizer batteries, and two eight foot long Daiwa TD-S Surf Rods.

Sensing something is not right, Jack tricks the dullest of the Chechnyans down to the engine compartment. To find out what is going on, he initiates this particular hour's single act of benevolent torture by slowly dripping battery acid up his nostril until, through mental telepathy and Jack's acute deductive powers, he reasons the group must be transporting a 10 megaton Tsar Bomba-like hydrogen bomb device purchased from agents within the former Soviet Union with the assistance of a corrupt midwestern politician, who is also a secret agent for the Serbian Sluzba Drzavne Bezbednosti. We sense he is motivated to seek retribution against the newly elected Madam President.

A scuffle ensues. The expendable Angus MacGyver is, finally, put out of his misery to never again appear on American TV. Then the hour ends with Jack deep underwater, holding his breath, until after waiting 4 hours for him to reappear on the surface, the Chechnyans wrongly conclude that he must have certainly perished and steam off to continue their mad plan, albeit slightly moderated. Battery-Acid-Up-the-Nostrils is livid with the rage of unrequited revenge.

Of course, we viewers know he'll get another chance.

Revival of the hugely poplular Plot Element Prognostications for 24

2009-01-12T21:48:00.005+03:00

At Blader Industries, Inc., we pride ourselves in listening to our customers.

Because of a flood of interest, and because the hit TV series has begun again after a long layoff, the Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc., has approved my request to revive the 24 Plot Element Prognostication product that our customers have come to love and enjoy.

We'll shortly post our prognostication of the 8a-10a plot, and our evaluation of just how well the actual program followed our prognostication. Then we'll post our prognostication of the 10a-noon plot. And then we'll follow that up. Etc and so forth.

Thank you for your interest in Blader Industries, Inc., and our family of wholesome products designed to suit your copulation needs!

Dylan Diversion

2009-01-11T05:01:00.000+03:00

Great Moments in Intergooglerogatories: sc I Didn't Know That!!

2009-01-09T14:56:00.002+03:00

Today, whilst performing vigorous interrgooglerogatories using the search term "female pudendum" I stumbled upon a word I never knew: merkin

And then I remembered President Merkin Muffley in Dr. Strangelove, and suddenly, everything made that much more sense.

Blader Industries, Inc. Announces New Corporate Theme Song

2008-12-18T02:55:00.003+03:00

Business Time

Corporate Memo: New Masturbation Training Video

2007-11-13T16:53:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

One of Blader Industries, Inc. Consulting Group Subsidiary's most profitable activities is advising firms on how to deal with the emotionally charged issue of on the job wanking. Here's a recent production by our training team, one of which I am exceptionally proud. Notice in particular how the office manager defuses a tense situation by allowing everyone in the work group to have their say on the matter.

Paul robbed by Paul campaign worker raising $5million for campaign

2007-10-04T22:33:00.001+03:00

Colleagues- As the new election season is upon us, I've taken to spending a little time following the goings on.

The remarkable Dr. Rep. Ron Paul is running an interesting campaign.

His is a grassroots populist program that is supported by the sort of eager, energetic and forward thinking worker with a 'can do it' personality that we value highly here at Blader Industries, Inc.

The Dr. Rep. Ron Paul campaign has just announced a milestone $5million has been raised in Q3 to support the campaign of this apparent visionary. This figure is all the more remarkable because they plan to raise the estimated $500 million it will take to get him elected without resorting to taking contributions from corporate interests or their lobbyists.

The latter is placing pressures on their workers to find innovative ways to come up with the vast sum of money it will take to make him our next leader. There are unconfirmed reports that they've raided lemonade stands over the summer, and have snuck into the bedrooms of elementary school children to steal their piggy banks.

The only confirmed irregularity so far is this image of Dr. Rep. Ron Paul being held up at gunpoint during a recent press conference, by a masked man wearing a Paul for President'08 campaign tee shirt, who demanded he empty his pockets and hand over all the money in his wallet, "for the good of the Ron Paul for President campaign."

Shocking News: Jenna Jameson Implants Stolen

2007-08-24T22:05:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

I approach you today with somber news that the porn star Jenna Jameson's breast implants, which she had surgically removed just a few days ago, have disappeared and are believed stolen.

This represents a significant setback to our Copulation Hall of Fame, Co., subsidiary, as our corporate strategy involved using the implants as a 'marquee' item on our "Best Busts in the Business" display at the museum and we paid a princely sum to acquire the property in advance of the procedure.

Our Chief Financial Officer is penning a press release at this time, as required by the SEC, that will publicly announce this loss just after the markets close, and will detail our plan to recover the property at all reasonable cost.

Until the markets close at 4pm, there shall be no further discussion except amongst yourselves.

Memo: Your Responsibilities and the Employee Health Benefit

2007-08-17T19:39:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

Your colleagues in the Health Insurance offices of the Benefits Department of our Human Resources subsidiary have asked that I remind you to be a healthful partner as we endeavor to give you the widest possible health insurance coverage at the lowest possible cost.

The degree to which Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues and interns can collectively demonstrate superior good health, is the degree to which we'll be able to expand your health coverage benefit. In fact, this is, in part, how we can 'afford' to offer you insurance coverage against poorly performed accidental breast augmentation procedures, as just one example.

It has come to our attention that we have room to improve across all sectors of our conglomerate when it comes to healthful sunbathing hygiene. As you are aware, Blader Industries, Inc., has a generous chautauqua policy, and we are especially delighted at how many times each year our colleagues are given opportunities to chautauqua on sun drenched beaches and golf courses, while conducting official Blader Industries, Inc., business, research, marketing and consulting services.

But we've done the calculations and concluded that our health benefit costs can rise sharply if we don't do more to prevent skin damage, including disfiguring cancerous lesions, caused by too much sun exposure while on corporate duty.

Therefore, in the style of imaginative solutions you've grown to expect from your crack team of Benefits Specialists, I've followed their recommendation and instructed the staff colleagues in our wholly owned Mail Room subsidiary to distribute to each and every colleague an attractive straw sombrero with which to shade your head, face and shoulders while out on chautauqua.

Our male colleagues will additionally receive a smaller sombrero, to be used to shade your sensitive private parts while out in the sun.

Blader Industries, Inc. Rolls out "Conception Day" Product in Russia

2007-08-16T18:15:00.001+03:00

Colleagues-

It gives me a sense of unbridled flatulence to finally be able to 'take the wraps off' one of Blader Industries, Inc., most exciting new initiatives to date.

Some time ago, I was approached in considerable secrecy by representatives from the highest level of the Russian government concerned about their declining birthrates. They asked us to devise a plan to reverse this alarming trend, with the explicit goal of heading off an almost certain population bottleneck if the trend continued.

I assigned this task to our crack team of specialists in the wholly-owned Copulation Consulting, Inc., subsidiary, who I'm happy to say has come up with a bangup plan, which the Russian government has adopted from us for a considerable fee.

Colleagues, I give you: Conception Day!!! On Sept 12 this and every year, Russians will take a National Copulation Holiday, encouraged to stay home and copulate away!! Any progeny born PRECISELY 9 months later on June 12 will be known as Baby Patriots, and they and their parents will be eligible for any number of prizes and whatnots as an additional incentive to actually copulate, rather than go boating or play golf or whatnot.

Because of the high profile nature of this successful campaign, or staff in the wholly-owned Marketing, Inc., subsidiary have come up with a catchy new corporate slogan as the center of our new ad campaign:

Blader Industries, Inc., because copulation isn't always a biological imperative

Memo: Nude Blogging Policy

2007-08-16T17:44:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

The Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc. has deliberated and approved my proposal that all blogging by staff conducted on Mondays be performed while tastefully attired In The Nude.

I encourage all Blader Industries, Inc. staff members to follow that link to acquaint themselves with the philosophy and aims of the program.

This directive applies also to staff members en route to chautauqua on Mondays. If you are blogging while in transit, please be sure to do so in the nude.

Please file this memo in your personal directory under: Authoritative and Compulsory. This is applicable to all Blader Industry, Inc. employees in all wholly owned and independent subsidiaries of our conglomerate, including those in the horizontally and vertically integrated corporate subsectors.

This directive most especially applies to those of you working outside my office in the Executive Suite secretarial pool at One Blader Plaza.

If there are any questions or concerns regarding this policy, please make an appointment to see me. As usual, I will continue to follow my non-discriminatory policy of meeting only with female employees on Mondays and only with male employees on Tuesdays.

On the Evolution of Oratorical Style

2007-08-02T15:36:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

If you've ever read my FAQ, you'll know I was raised by a wild pack of Jesuit scholars. And if there is one thing Jesuit scholars understand, it is oratorical styles. Most especially ethos, figures of speech that are designed to promote ones authority and credentials so that you might be more persuaded by his argument. And it is true, Jesuits will resort to torture until their students understand these details.

For example, when I make recommendations for you to live and work by on these pages, my status as a CEO and fearless leader of a major vertically integrated industrial conglomerate carries the weight of authority we all know a CEO must enjoy in his life's station. And you follow my recommendations because you know a CEO wouldn't be a CEO if he didn't have something going for him.

If this is not yet clear to you, let me appeal to your more primitive, intuitive intellect. I'm talking about a situation not at all unlike the implied authority of a gorilla thumping his chest in a forest clearing as he asks you to leave his territory so he can copulate in privacy. You recognize, do you not, from the chest thumping, that the gorilla is in a excellent position to kick your ass if you fail to heed his warning call? The gorilla has credentials, and is indicating he is not afraid to use those credentials unless you leave.

And so we come to todays point. It appears that another humongous discussion has broken out on the internets following an article that asks whether readers believe humans (in their present form) and dinosaurs coexisted on the earth.

Not infrequently, someone chimes in to defend this completely scientifically disproven but intriguing notion (there are, afterall, movies and TV shows showing dinosaurs and humans together and so it looks possible). And also not infrequently, they begin their defense of this proposition by first pointing out that they have credentials in a scientific or technical field and that you should heed their words knowing their authority.

Their first appeal is to your sense of ethos!!! OMG!!! Even creationists understand oratorical style, almost as if they, too, were raised by a wild pack of Jesuit scholars!!!

A creationist who is an engineer, who has a master's degree, has a math degree or who is even a math professor is a BIG DEAL in their culture, because it is so rare to have someone who is actualy not horribly mis-educated.

I imagine the only thing bigger, in terms of status, than parishioner at a fundamentalist church who is an engineer would be to have a congregation member who's been cured of homosexuality----through the power of prayer, of course--without resorting to drugs, surgery or electroshock therapy. Someone like that would probably even get their own pew all to themselves (just in case they are not really cured and it's contagious).

Peroration:
And so allow me to conclude this article by saying, do not despair for the apparent numbers of creationist engineers, mathematicians and math professors. There are, in fact, only 12 such individuals but they just seem like there are a lot because they are in such a habit of establishing ethos. Their pastor probably makes them do it no less than 100 times each Sunday after services.

For example:

Parishioner: Great sermon by the Pastor today, eh, Fred?"

Math Professor: Speaking as a Math Professor, yes.

Parishioner: It is so cool that you are on our team and not on the Darwinists side.

So don't worry. People who establish their technical skill and then say, "Yes, indeed, I've done the math, there certainly are problems with Darwin's little myth", are just engaged in a style of oratory that goes back well before great human-ape schism of 6,000,000 BC.

Looming Battle in Global War on Evolution

2007-07-25T17:06:00.000+03:00

As we all know from extensive 'scientific' research, the bonobo is the quirky, peaceful, almost hippie-like great ape species. Not known to engage in hostilities or violence, the scientific picture paints the bonobo as a fun loving animal possessesing an unquenchable sexual appetite--including a remarkable predilection to copulate incessantly, commit felatio, genital rubbing, masturbation, et cetera and so forth and so on. The Alfred E. Newman of the great apes, the bonobo hasn't a worry in the world and isn't afraid to show it in front of even casual observers!

This idea resonates strongly among humans, who have the remarkable cognitive ability to understand their limitations, but are less equipped to do something about it. What robust adolescent human male doesn't look at this and beg, "Why couldn't I have been born a bonobo?" And what head of state, upon declaring war against another country, hasn't paused to wish that if only Saddam Hussein was more like an irrepressible bonobo, none of this would be necessary.

And so the story goes.

And the evolutionists would tell you that if we can only understand the bonobo, scientifically speaking, we could get in touch with our true inner selves. From scientific study, we could learn from these 'cousins' from the Congolese jungles about not only our origins, but also how to behave better ourselves. The agenda of these evolutionists also implies that if we just knew what the bonobo knows, and could put it into practice, we wouldn't have need for corporations that service the defense sectors, or those such as Blader Industries, Inc., a vertically integrated conglomerate of enterprises and concerns that collectively operates on the principle that copulation among humans is more difficult to achieve, but must be encouraged, as no less than the survival of our species is at stake!

Well, it can by disturbing for some to occasionally see tidy scientific theories disturbed by such things as useful data, or by scientists compelled to establish the ecological veracity of previous work. But sure enough, there are people out there who think bonobo society in the wild is a bit more complicated than the picture of bonobo society that has been drawn mostly from observations of well-fed and cared for bonobo groups housed in comfortable suburban facilities and zoological parks.

How to tell the difference between Richard Branson and myself

2007-07-14T15:14:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

Not infrequently, I'm approached for autographs in hotel lobbies, airport bars, corporate washrooms, and any number of other public places. And I'm always happy to comply.

But not infrequently, I catch a look of disappointment when returning the signed item, as the fan suddenly realizes they've mistaken me for a certain someone else.

"I bet you were expecting Richard Branson?" I'd lead.

"Yes," they'd admit, weakly.

"He's also extremely photogenic," I'd begin, "with a goatee, a wicked, knowing smile, a virile head of strawberry blond hair, and that certain sense about him that you only see in tycoons. Tycoon magnetism"

Invariably the fan apologizes and attempt to retreat quickly, "Yes, yes, all that. Look, I'm very sorry to have taken your time, I need to get to my gate....." But these moments are an opportunity to 'provide a general lesson' and make a new fan of the Blader brand.

"Well, you thought I was Richard Branson but only now realize I don't really look a thing like him, right."

"Yes, now that you mention it, how could I be so stupid?"

I'd go on, "Look, I won't take much of your time other than to say that you were very close. Your instincts are spot on. Because we are both tycoons, Richard Branson and I are alike in many ways. The only reason he isn't mistaken for me when he is in airports is because he owns his own airline and is closely associated with that brand, and quite frankly, wouldn't be caught dead in this rinky-dink airport lounge. "

Invariably, the fan looks rather pensive and anxious by this point, saying "Yes, that makes sense. Look, I really need to catch my...."

"So," I'd interrupt, "you want to know the most simple way to tell the difference between myself and Richard Branson?"

"ah, sure, why not?"

"If I was Richard Branson, I'd be lifting that cocktail waitress over there, hold her over the threshold, and sorta wait for people to come by and take pictures of us. Richard Branson just loves lifting beautiful women, especially models and real estate agents, whereas I can't possibly do something lik that because of L1-L2 fusion surgery I had after an old quarry diving accident. That's probably the biggest difference between us."

What would Richard Branson do?

2007-07-13T15:07:00.000+03:00

There comes a time in every CEO's life when s/he faces a moral dilemma, a moment when he can either man up and take an ethically challenging situation head on, or punt the issue and deflect the slime storm elsewhere, hoping it sticks, like, on the CEO's grandson or nephew or the homeless guy who spends all day in the park across the street.

When facing these crossroads, when trying to decide what would be the right thing to do, over the years I've learned to pause and ask, "What would Richard Branson do?"

Without any question, Richard Branson and I are not unlike in many ways. In fact, he and I are often mistaken for each other in airport bars, hotel lobbies and corporate washrooms. Like myself, Richard Branson is an irrepressible goateed founder, CEO and head visionary of a vertically integrated multinational conglomerate of horizontally positioned subsidiaries, divisions, chapters and whatnot. Both of our sources of wisdom, fame and wealth are somewhat elusive to the casual reader.

So, let me assure my colleagues and also the Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc., that were I to post anonymously on the internets, I would do so as myself, and not anonymously and certainly not using a clumsy, sophomoric anagram of Mrs. Blader's name. Unlike John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, Inc., Richard Branson and I know that great privilege, and responsibility, comes with the CEO title.

Southern baptists place global warming blame squarely on earth

2007-06-14T17:35:00.000+03:00

The Southern Baptist convention, the largest denomination of evangelical christians anywhere, have just issued a statement that blames the earth for global warming and absolves humans, but not scientists, from any sins attributable to poor stewardship of the planet.

The resolution says the “record shows that global temperature has risen and fallen cyclically throughout geologic history” and that "there is absolutely no reason to think that the earth isn't playing tricks on God's creation once again."

The resolution continues to make the extraordinarily precise statement that says, "the scientific community is divided regarding the extent to which humans are responsible for recent global warming. If anybody has sinned, its the beady-eyed Darwinists with their false idolatry and secular humanism and whatnot and so forth. "

Finally, the resolution finished by stating, "Christians are called by God to exhibit dominion over the earth, and if it gets too warm, not that we think it will, it will be our job to pray to God to let Him know it is time lower the temperature and that should fix the problem."

How to know when too much copulation is too much?

2007-06-07T22:32:00.000+03:00

Whenever conducting public information forums, it never fails that someone in the audience stands up during the question and answer session to inquire, "Blader, when I'm copulating, how do I know when it is a good time to stop?"

It is a great question.

And the answer is usually, "I dunno. How do you know its time to go to bed? I mean, you just know, right?"

Well, truth be told, that answer always bothered me. It seems intuitively obvious, but at the same time, is dismounting behavior truly intuitive and is it really like knowing if its bedtime?

So, I got my boys on it.

Now, thanks to the tireless effort of a crack team of researchers funded by Blader Industries, Inc., now we know how we know when the moment to stop is just right. And, it turns out, the same genes in your bodies that regulate your awake and sleep cycles, the genes that say when to go to sleep and when to wake, those controlling your 'circadian rhythms', are also the same genes that tell you when it is time to dismount following a robust copulatory burst!!

Of course, its fascinating to consider the ramifications of this study. Specifically those showing that a male fruit fly with mutations in clock genes will copulate, on average, 30-50% LONGER than his non-mutant colleague.

And isn't ironic that one of these genes happens to have been called, 'period' long before its involvement in copulatory behavior was discovered?

Unfortunately, a mutation in 'period' only prolongs male copulatory endurance. The same mutation in females has no effect. Let's hope there is a work around for that one.

Oh! This one has so many possibilities!

Bush Finally Appoints New War 'Czar'

2007-05-16T20:06:00.000+03:00

The Bush administration finally found someone who would agree to serve as their new war 'Czar', responsible for directing and overseeing all military operations currently being waged by US armed forces everywhere.

He is Pvt First Class Unknown Soldier, purported to be a highly experienced veteran first discovered in the Pacific theater by the noted WWII photographer Frank Pataye.

"We finally found someone we can blame the entire war on if things continue to go as poorly as they appear to be going," said White House spokesman Tony Snow, who added, "it is a brilliant solution to the problem and shows just how willing this President is willing to think outside the box in his campaign to bring peace and stability to the middle east."

Asked why no soldiers of higher rank, or anyone but unknown soldiers, were willing to step forward for the job, Mr. Snow would only say, "This administration values our appointees enthusiasm for the job, and if they are also qualified, we've always considered that to be a bonus."

Pvt First Class Unknown Soldier can't be found so is unavailable for comment.

New Product Rollout: Shock Collar for Diplomats

2007-05-03T20:10:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

Forgive my absence. I've been out on chautauqua, bought a new puppy, and have been absolutely consumed by our latest product roll out, which represents a move by Blader Industries, Inc., into an entirely new business niche: Technology and devices designed to keep employees, coworkers or others you need to dominate "on content" and "on message."

The device works exactly like the ones you see in the dog parks. They are programmed to discharge 16.8965 MJoules of concentrated energy either on cue, or remotely, if the subject wearing the device "strays" from any protocol that YOU establish.

Yes, indeed. You probably noticed that none other than US Secretary of State Condi Rice was wearing one during her recent high level discussions with members of the Syrian administration. Yes indeed, you can conclude from this that the US White House, under the auspices of Generalissimo Karl Rove, are on board with Blader Industries, Inc., in our test marketing phase and likely will be our first major customer.

And Yes Indeed! If Her Excellenciness Ms. Rice even whispers, "our administration seeks disentanglement from your region in the worst possible way" even once during her discussions, the device will emit a brief, audible tone and then drop her to the floor like a bag of cement!!

She won't dare stray ever again.

I promise you, this will work. I've seen it happen to dogs that bark or try to eat a pile of poop made by one of their buddies.

New Product Rollout Announcement: 24 Prognostications Services

2007-01-16T23:09:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

It gives me unbridled flatulence to announce that Blader Industries, Inc., will shortly roll out a new product line: 24 Prognostication Services.

This product will provide our customers with a preview of the coming plot line from the hit FOX drama series, 24, starring Keifer Sutherland as the irrepressible and omnipotent Jack Bauer.

The preview is generated using the previous episode's plot line, fed through a proprietary program developed by our crack team of software engineers.

The output provides a stunningly realistic portent of things to come in the day of the lives of a dedicated team of counter-terrorism experts, government leaders, and their humble and sometimes humorous antics as they chase a pack of wild terrorists throughout the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area.

We anticipate that our customers will be able to utilize this service to impress upon their secretarial pools an impressive grasp of the hit 24 series, thereby enhancing their opportunities for copulatory activities and thereby increasing the odds that their genetic program will be passed on to another generation.

There isn't enough time to explain it in great detail, but draw a perimeter around your computer and stand by as we uplink the data to the Blader Industries, Inc. , corporate website using the latest in satellite technology.

Great Moments in Copulation: Centaurs

2007-01-05T00:55:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

An extremely interesting article for you about the possibility that humans and animals have interbred in the past to create centaurs. I don't know what this means to us as a corporate entity, but something tells me we should fix our antennae on the issue.

Money shot:

Alexander Guryev says that researchers have no whole centaur skeletons but lots of upper and lower parts of centaurs skeletons.

Unfortunate, indeed. But have we ruled out a conspiracy? I think not. My next door neighbor is an anthropologist and, frankly, I'd never turn my back on him.

Dear Colleagues Memo v1.03: New Mail Policy

2007-01-04T18:17:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

Our fearless leader needs our help. No, not me. Our other fearless leader...the handsome fearless leader of our great nation.

No doubt acting on slam dunk intelligence that terrorists who seek to come out of our closets and kill our families, President George Dubya Bush would like to read our mail, so he can catch the evil doers, who apparently are no longer using the internets, or telephones, and are now communicating and planning great acts of evil through the US postal service.

Therefore, from this moment forward, I'm instructing all Colleagues at Blader Industries, Inc., to forward all of their mail on a daily basis and until further notice to our other fearless leader so he can catch any terrorists seeking to open lines of communications with us.

This official corporate instruction is directed at all of my colleagues, including past, present and future employees at all corporate affiliates, subsidiaries, subdivisions, outposts, sheep ranches, golf courses and neighborhood lemonade stands, and including any other interested parties, associates, corporate spies, legal teams, and especially including any and all fellow jihadists or alliance members who may be reading this accidentally on purpose:

Send your daily mail, including any unsolicited junk mail (I can just see the evil doers making fake junk mail) to:

Mr. President of the United States George Dubya Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500

Don't forget to include a SASE so he can return your mail after he's done reading it.

Steady Progress in Global War on Virginity

2006-12-20T18:36:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-

As our Annual Report consistently shows, Blader Industries, Inc., has generously sponsored various copulation science research activities at any number of private institutes world-wide, with no strings attached. Our corporate mission is to get people copulating, because a virgin is obviously NOT a potential customer.

So you can only imagine I'm speckled to the point of flatulence to share with you early notice of ground breaking research from the Guttmacher Institute, which demonstrates for the first time that only 10% of newly married people are virgins. Clearly, we are making substantial progress in the Global War on Virginity.

But a word of warning. Suffice it to say, as the accompanying picture attests, our opposition is well-armed, ruthless, and no less committed to their cause then are we.

Our corporate motto at Blader Industries, Inc., is "A copulating customer is a happy customer" and so it is quite gratifying to see these attempts from our competitors to encourage abstinence among our potential customer base are falling limp.

The Flower of Depravity and the Root of Evil

2006-12-20T17:14:00.000+03:00

This is one weird coincidence.

Yesterday, after checking the mail, I spied a dandelion on my front lawn, and in a flash all my mind could see was the flower of all depravity, and no doubts, from the Root of all Evil.

It was a cold, stark vision. Almost disabling but not exactly.

So I went back to the garage and came back to blast that bitch with a couple of pumps of Roundup (2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid).

God, that felt good. I haven't sleep better in months.

Victory in Major Battle of Global War on Evolution

2006-12-14T21:12:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-With both immutable glee and a considerable immutable resolve I write this memo to share some glorious news. Not long ago, with the darkly stunning decision of our leaders to protect a vast marine island habitat, we experienced a major setback in the global war on evolution, one that caused me considerable grief and despair.

This is a war we MUST continue to fight, and not waver in our resolve, if we have any hope of ridding the diabolical scourge of evolution on this planet.

But, oh how quickly our spirits can be lifted!!!

I've just received this confidential document from a Blader Industries, Inc. associate running deep cover in a brothel located on the outskirts of the Hong Kong city center. I don't need to add that she secured this information at great personal risk of contracting a venereal disease. But I digress.

The document describes that a group of Darwinists out on chautauqua have concluded the inevitable extinction of a large fish, the rare white river dolphin or baiji (Lipotes vexillifer), a species thought to have migrated into and populated the Yangtze River basin some 20 million years ago. Talk about wearing out your welcome!! LOL!!

Well, I could go on and on, particularly about the wisdom of a large fish "evolving" that is completely incapable of breathing underwater, but here is the money shot:

Randall Reeves, chairman of the Swiss-based World Conservation Union's Cetacean Specialist Group, who took part in the Yangtze mission, said expedition participants were surprised at how quickly the dolphins disappeared.
"Some of us didn't want to believe that this would really happen, especially so quickly," he said. "This particular species is the only living representative of a whole family of mammals. This is the end of a whole branch of evolution."

That's our mission colleagues. Let's once again become masters of our own destiny: Let's end evolution, one whole branch at a time.

Intromission Lost

2006-12-13T21:37:00.000+03:00

Further evidence that points to the diabolic nature of evolution: Now the Darwinists would have you believe that it is possible to evolve a penis only to lose it .

OK.

This is EXACTLY like the lame actor who stands in the closet doorway and says, "Now I'm in the room." Before stepping back and saying, "Now I'm out." And on and on and on.

You don't just throw away perfectly designed and useful organs, especially sexual organs, for no good reason.

And besides, do you understand what this new 'theory' predicts? It predicts that men could just spontaneously lose their penis's. What is more shocking, our women would NOT care about it one way or the other!!!

These ideas completely strain credulity.

Do they bother with any 'alternative' theories? Like the possibility that the animals that actually lost their penis's chose to go onto a soybean rich diet and might have 'lost' their penis because they were turning gay?

Not at all. The only theory they can come up with is that male species lose their penis's because of evolution.

Well, as much as I feel this work can be discredited in so many ways, at the same time, I cannot imagine a greater threat to our industry sector, not to mention the future reproductive viability of our species, should these ideas take hold.

Therefore, I'm pleased to announce that Blader Industries, Inc. is donating $1million to the Copulation Market Sector Political Action Committee to underwrite several activities under the general umbrella of the newly formed "Save Our Penis's Campaign."

Jim Rutz Shoots for Straights: Declares Economic Jihad on Heartland

2006-12-13T18:01:00.000+03:00

Colleagues- I'm pleased to the point of flatulence that my good friend and fellow intellectual visionary Jim Rutz has chosen to release and discuss his key research findings that prove without any controversy whatsoever that Soy is making kids 'gay'.

This groundbreaking work convincingly demonstrates that devilish estrogen-like chemicals in soybean products cause COMPLETELY NORMAL children to have many, many feminine characteristics, including small penises!!! Naturally, these traits are the key hallmarks of deviant homosexuals and have been extremely difficult to eradicate from our species using only selective breeding programs.

Well, duh! Now we know why!!!

Worse, soy products are proven DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for a vicious cancer outbreak, notably leukemia in children, who if they survive are destined to grow up to be gay. It is impossible to imagine anything more horrible than to have a child who survives cancer only to grow up and choose to be a homosexual.

Thankfully, Jim's research shows that soy sauce is perfectly safe because, "it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure." Before we move into the heartland to tear every soybean plant from the soil and burn them in a collective hellfire, we should calculate how many plants will be necessary to produce enough soy sauce for all those delicious. low priced and convenient Chinese dishes we have learned to enjoy.

If I'm not already on record with respect to this matter, suffice it to say that nothing threatens the continued vigor and growth of the copulation industry sector than homosexuality. And nothing threatens the fate of humanity, than a threat to copulation: As St. Paul should have said but apparently forgot, Nos concubitus proinde nos futurus.

We must NEVER forget what happened to the passenger pigeon!!

Since that fateful day when man first gave up his baculum so that God could create woman, oh! what I would give to have been there, he has endeavored tirelessly for well over 6,000 years to keep the 'black sheep' out of the human family. And with his gifts of knowledge, man eventually deduced this could be achieved by not copulating with pigmented women.

Good enough.

Now, thanks to Jim Rutz, we have a potent weapon to keep pink sheep out of our families: the soy-free diet plan, except for soy sauce. We will confidently enjoy watching all of our progeny grow up as white as they should be, completely free from worry they might turn into homosexuals. Not only that, we shake off this crucial threat to the propagation of our species!!!

In closing, I would like to simply encourage you to go to his website and read the Humble Autobiography of Jim Rutz. It is a truly remarkable, inspiring and deeply thrilling story. What an interesting man!! What a humble man!!!

If I had but one small criticism, its that I'd like for him to share some reflection and remembrance of his days as a zygote. Boy! Would that have been interesting!!

But, there I go into my petty "critique" mode again...LOL!! Truly, as he says, his influence is "accelerating faster and faster." I'd also be redundant if I said any more about him, so I think I'll slow down and stop and finish there.

Meet our new Chief of Meteorological Services

2006-11-18T00:47:00.000+03:00

Colleagues-It tickles me to the point of flatulence to announce that Blader Industries, Inc., has dipped its toes into the cool pond of the past to leap into the hot fires of the future in hiring our new Corporate Chief of Meterological Services, Mr. Jimmy Inhofe.

As past-chair of the US Senate chautauqua on the environment and trade, Jimmy assures me that he knows a whole heck of a lot about climatology, and better yet, isn't afraid of telling people all about EXACTLY what he knows.

Jimmy comes from a long line of men who know something about air, air quality, and especially hot air. In fact, when he first stepped into my office, I couldn't shake the uncanny resemblance he shares with Herr Reichsmarshall Hermann Goering, quite an airman himself back in his glory days!!! So in tribute, we had our crack team of photographers make a very special corporate ID/Access badge just for him.

Well, we couldn't be more fortunate to have someone like Jimmy on our staff. He completes us in ways I haven't felt since we hired on Madge, our bonobo queen.

His role is to advise all Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues on their long term climatological projection needs. At this very moment, Jimmy is consulting with me on a parcel of Alaskan glacier ski property I'm looking to purchase for those special summer weekend getaway staff rewards.

Dear Colleagues Memo v1.02: Censorship

2006-11-15T20:42:00.000+03:00

It has come to my attention that certain of our middle managers, a self-styled group of moderators, have appointed themselves as "de facto" corporate censors, inserting themselves into the free speech patterns of our many, many corporate colleagues and associates.

A few of these latter colleagues and associates have, with great trepidation, visited me in the penthouse suite at One Blader Plaza, to inform me of this situation and to share with me their deep concerns that they no longer feel free to speak within our halls with an open mind.

Let me simply say from the outset in no uncertain terms, that OUR OFFICIAL corporate policy is one of openess and complete unfettered access to YOUR right of free speech. Bluntly, I do not wish to receive the streams of your important and vital memoranda filtered through the hate speech of other colleagues and associates who believe they can speak better for you. If I wanted that, I would fire YOU and hire only THEM, perhaps even give them suites with private washrooms and other accoutrements in the high style to which we all have become accustomed given the exhuberance of the marketplace for our corporate value!

I'm certain it hasn't escaped your attention as to exactly what we might become as a society if we sat by idly while the censors, representing a dominant ruling class, itself full of fetid and mysogenistic prejudices, executed a complete grab on political and military power. It would be an awful calamity, as all you could offer for resistance is nothing more than a silent scream.

And so as to embolden you, I asked our crack team of historians at Blader Industries, Inc. to provide some historical documentation that the forces of evil can be stopped by those who are willing to speak up.

They sent me this most remarkable photograph of gentlemen representing a small platoon of moderators of a fascist state running down the street of an eastern European ghetto. And who were they running from, you might ask? They were running for their lives from the forces of unfettered freedom!!!!

So join me, in proclaiming, I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

After a short break, I expect that you'll return to your duties.

Dad, get me out of this!!!

2006-11-14T16:58:00.000+03:00

"Somehow I got stuck.....and I'm down on my luck....."

Reminds me of a time when I was 17, out on my very first wilderness expedition chautauqua in the mountains, thousands of miles away from home. After three weeks in the hills, eating only dried food and whatever trout we could catch, I came down to a little valley town, where I frittered away my greyhound bus money on a 3 day pizza, poptart and beer binge.

I had just enough left over to call dad, who wired me a Western Union cashiers check, just enough to find my way back home.

It is a good thing that a father can save the son. So seeing 41 save the sorry ass of 43 reminds me exactly of my first great adventure away from home. But not precisely.

My Interview of JDerion on National TV

2006-11-01T00:52:00.000+03:00

As you can see, I think it went well, even though he was typically evasive when directly questioned on certain 'matters'.

Memo: Sexual harassment training session

2006-10-26T22:06:00.000+03:00

From: Blader, aka Fearless Leader, CEO and so forth and et cetera
To: Blader Industries, Inc. Colleagues
Re: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Intranet Chautauqua

In order to comply with article VII of Title IX, VII or X, III of XI and II of XII in the 8,987 pp OHSA WorkPlace Standards Manual, abridged version, as you know we conduct monthly case studies on sexual harassment from the comfort of our tastefully appointed offices via intranet chautauqua. So I now ask that you pull up a chair, smoke if you got 'em, and begin to discuss amongst yourselves the following question:

Is the apparent male authority figure in this training video fondling the apparent submissive female in a sexually suggestive manner, or did he simply see an extremely large pimple suddenly grow inbetween her scapulae, and grabbed her only to squeeze the puss out of it before it exploded on its own?

Alternately, did she 'ask for it' by her sexually provocative attire and the way she sat upright in the chair and was giving everyone else in the conference room those 'bedroom eyes'?

As usual, don't forget to provide a written summary of your discussion, not to exceed 14 words and two punctuation marks. As usual, the most poignant summary will be posted on the lobby wall downstairs for all of next month.

Selling Memorabilia, has it come to this?

2006-10-26T20:20:00.000+03:00

Colleagues, you may have heard that I've been banned from the Hall of Fame. Allegedly their collective will, according to JDerion, who no doubt spearheaded the campaign against me. I'm fine with that. I really didn't ever "aspire" or even perspire to be in the Hall of Fame. The notoriety might have put me in a higher class for royalty income proceeds, but other than that, it would have just been another chautauqua in a long line of chautauquas to attend.

Nevertheless, I was counting on that income and had budgeted accordingly. So the news that I won't make it is a call to make some adjustments in my personal financial situaiton.

Besides my health, I suppose my next greatest asset would have to be my extensive collection of sports memorabilia. So I've decided to sell it all off to raise some funds, and if I raise enough money, I might even give a third of it to the United Nations, an idea I'm sure has never wandered into the mind of Pete Rose.

To enhance the value of my collection, I've made a strategic decision to autograph the whole lot of it!! I hope the auction goes well. Bid fast and furiously, as if the future of the world depended upon it.

Vote a Straight Republican Ticket

2006-10-25T01:10:00.000+03:00

No more gays in congress! LOL!! We've had more than enough 'bad news' because of them, and its taking us "off target".

Every once in a while it is important for those of us in the corporate world to stand up and make a stand.

Here's a list I had our Public Service Subsidiary construct of the Republican candidates, please do your vetting and then vote as you see fit.

TIA

--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Dealing with Disgruntled Employees

2006-10-25T00:16:00.000+03:00

It is always a great challenge, I can tell you that. And I can't say that I've got the "one-size-fits-all-of-them- all-of-the-time-usually" answer, either. And fortunately its rare at our conglomerate. But we see it from time to time.

Take Mabs, for instance. She was a down on her luck bonobo, well, maybe "down on her luck" isn't the best way to describe her. Let's just say she was spinning her wheels, eeking out a sustenance existence, copulating with just about whoever and whatever wandered along, on a quiet Congo River tributary, when she was discovered by a crack team of our talent agents out on an African expedition chautauqua.

They enticed her to come back with them by offering her, along with a bucket of fresh tropical fruits, the standard, generous compensation package all of our colleagues receive, including a windowed office at our corporate headquarters, One Blader Plaza. So it's not as if we simply captured her. Mabs came willingly, and the only reason she was transported back in a cage was so as not to get stuck in a long line at immigration after the flight.

After she got here, things got much better for her than our scouts first assumed. Unbeknownst to them, I was working on the PLAYBONOBO concept and it was immediately obvious to me that, with professional air brushing, she would be perfect as our inaugural issue centerfold Playbonobomate!!

Boom! Our first issue is out and now she is a rising star, and I'm told the folks over at the National Enquirer have made some calls and are interested in doing a half-page interview with her!

Well, Mabs called up to my office this morning and somewhat brusquely demanded a meeting, which we've just finished. It didn't go well. She walked in the door, and defecated into her hand saying, "Ooh, ooh, oh, ooh-ooh" which roughly translated means, "If you don't renegotiate my contract, I'm going to fling this pile of shaz all over your curtains."

Can you believe that?

It's Worse Than We Thought

2006-10-24T17:59:00.000+03:00

OMG!!

Clearly, you can now understand why you've received a notice that the terrorist threat level has been changed from "Medium Rare" to "Rare", our highest level of vigilance.

My crack team of analysts have just informed me that, and I quote, "The latest JDerion tape indicates we may have erred in describing the first as "a call to jihad via the medium of interpretive dance.' Indeed, the second clandestine video appears to indicate that JDerion has acquired the capability of a Shaman, and intends to use dance as a weapon of mass destruction, mostly for deployment against iconic landmarks of major societies worldwide."

Since I can think of no landmark in this country more 'iconic' than One Blader Plaza, JDerions intentions vis-a-vis the US are quite obvious. As such I'm ordering all colleagues who work at the rank of Vice President and higher to obtain first class airfare and plan to reconnoiter at the designated chautauqua site, which is, ahem, NOT at the Bikini Atoll in case JDerion is listening.

JDerion 'Chatter' Elevated-Threat Imminent

2006-10-24T17:38:00.000+03:00

I've just received a disturbing package from one of our operatives who had been tracking JDerion. He had spotted him in Belarus but we haven't heard from him since that communique and we fear the worst, so we've gone ahead and cut the operative and his family off our generous medical plan. But I digress.

Our crack team of analysts have had a chance to review the contents of the most recent package and have rendered the following summary:

"Mr. JDerion is using the medium of interpretive dance to call for a global jihad. Please pass the mashed potatoes."

There you have it, colleagues. This man is truly a menace. As a result, the Homeland Security subsidiary of Blader Industries, Inc., feels compelled to raise the threat warning to 'Medium Rare' and urges great caution, vigilance, and a gentle reminder to vote a Straight Republican ticket in November. For the sake of God, let's not elect any more homo's to congress!!!

The Tragedy of Arnesto Martinez

2006-10-24T17:00:00.000+03:00

I've asked my secretary to make sure this one get's out on the corporate intranet, with my recommendation that Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues go home and hug their dog tonight. There is a message here. I'm not exactly sure what the message is, but if I'm not mistaken, it seems like a tale as old as time.

PLAYBONOBO, our newest print media play

2006-10-23T20:24:00.000+03:00

Colleagues, I'm pleasured almost to the point of flatulance to announce Blader Industries, Inc's., newest foray into the media sector. Playbonobo comes on the heals of our successful rollout of Bladerpalooza, and seeks to achieve certain synergies and economies of scale in the media sector that are only possible through print. What is PLAYBONOBO? PLAYBONOBO is entertainment for primates.

I got the idea the other night while watching The Girls Next Door, you know, the episode where Kendra visited her mother's condo complex with Hef and the other girls. At the same time, because unlike bonobos I can multitask, I was reading about some Blader Industries, Inc., sponsored research indicating women are 'turned on' by bonobo porn.

Well, it didn't take me long to put two and two together and voila! PLAYBONOBO was born! Our target market is men who 'bring home the bacon' who can use PLAYBONOBO as a tool to help make their women more receptive and thereby enhance their copulatory and evolutionary potential. Our crack team of sales associates is looking to find shelf space in stores that sell bacon, and our chosen marketing jingo for the campaign will be, "Why don't you bring something else home she would like along with that slab of bacon."

It has not escaped our notice that a secondary market niche for PLAYBONOBO will be primate research colonies throughout the world. We're actually looking to create in-kind synergies and economies of scale and what not with such enterprises. For example, in turn for a complementary subscription to PLAYBONOBO, we'd ask primate research facilities for permission to exploit their research results for commercial gain, etc and so forth. Stuff like that.

I've Changed My Mind

2006-08-24T22:38:00.000+03:00

I think Ann Coulter takes herself seriously.

I used to think that after one of her college performances she'd go backstage and say to anybody within earshot, "can you believe how those idiots out there are buying this crap I'm shoveling? I'm a performer, and yet they've taking me seriously. What a hoot!"

And then I'd imagined she'd have a big guffaw, light up a cigarette and take a big hit off a brewski while she rubbed the check for her $25K speaking fee up and down her crotch a few times so it can pick up the scent while saying, "Yeah, baby! In God we effing trust, you betcha!"

But I don't believe that anymore, at all.

Now I think she really believes in what she is saying.

People are weird in that way sometimes.

Bush Orchestrates Major Setback in Global War on Evolution

2006-06-16T15:44:00.000+03:00

I awoke yesterday from a long sleep, deeply disappointed to see that my good friend and former copulatory industry angel investor and visionary, George Doubleyou Bush, has flip flopped on an crucial issue. He has signed documents recently creating the largest marineland national monument in the Hawaiian archipelago, preserving a unique ecosystem for generations to come. This is disturbing for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, you hate to see a world leader of his stature flip flop on any issue. You stake a claim and hold on to it fast. But this is the kind of flip flop that will resonate loudly both domestically and internationally. My goodness, what will our enemies think? This morning, his spine looks to have the tensile strength of an overcooked piece of rigatoni.

Secondly, and most importantly, I can't imagine a worse setback in the global war on evolution. Everybody knows that islands are hotbeds of evolution and speciation. This decision preserves not just one, but several isolated ecosytems upon which evolutionary processes will run completely unchecked. This sets back any hopes of stomping out evolution in our childrens' life time, something we'll need to accomplish ruthlessly and deliberately, one archipelago at a time, if we have any hope of success.

Finally, in this decision, he shows an uncanny ability to ignore and jettison his political base on the right for obviously expedient, but unclear, political purposes. We elected him because he promised to protect our homeland from the evil forces of evolution. Through this flip flop, he has forsaken us when we least expected it.

Pat Robertson endorses Blader Industries, Inc. products

2006-02-07T19:58:00.000+03:00

It is my pleasure to announce that Blader Industries, Inc. has just inked an historic co-branding agreement with Pat Robertson that makes our firm the exclusive copulation accessory product supplier for the 700 Club.

As Chairman, CEO and Fearless Leader of Blader Industries, Inc., I would like first to congratulate my crack scientists in our Research and Development subsidiary, who showed that the decline in the population of European Christians was not fully explainable by alien abductions, as is widely believed, but is also attributable to a real reduction in birth rates.

If there is one thing that Blader Industries, Inc. knows how to do well, it is to reverse declining birth rates.

Although I was marooned on a small iceberg while away on a Chautauqua studying the copulatory behavior of marching penguins in Antarctica, when I heard the results I personally called the Rev. Pat Robertson, who said to me, "Blader, you are right. Europe is right now in the midst of racial suicide because of the declining birth rate. Can I use this information on my program?"

After I indicated to him that the research results were proprietary, the Rev. Robertson quickly recognized the synergy a co-branding agreement could bring to each of our firms. He was also careful to deny that he had no intentions of personally using any of our products (anymore) for his own copulatory activities.

He indicated that his copulatory activities are no longer conducted for procreative purposes, but instead performed because he has been commanded to share "God's goodness" with the women in his life.

As part of the agreement, Blader Industries, Inc., announces that it will add to it's popular "Big Bad Brother" suite of male enhancement pills a new brand line called, "Good God!"

http://mediamatters.org/items/200602070002

New Corporate Copulation Policy

2005-12-03T01:44:00.000+03:00

It has come to my attention that the Blader Industries, Inc. generous corporate copulation policy is being abused.

Internal employee surveys conducted by our Human Resources Subsidiary consistently tell us that the number one reason you choose to work at Blader Industries, Inc., and not for one of our competitors, is our generous copulation policy....and also the fact that we don't have a sexual harassment policy, either.

We of course allow, and sometimes even encourage on the job copulation, provided appropriate hygienic standards are followed.
What most concerns me is the increased frequency of complaints that some employees are abusing this policy and interfering with the work product of their coworkers.

We expect that all of our employees will respect the career trajectory of their fellow workmates, and to refrain from workplace copulation when it might interfere with their ability to provide Blader Industries, Inc. products to our customers.

For this reason, I remind you that our corporate copulation policy allows you to copulate only in your cubicle or the cubicle assigned to the individual with whom you are copulating.

Furthermore, the threatening of a fellow co-worker who angers you by interrupting your copulation, for any reason, is grounds for dismissal, pending review.

My goodness! It's difficult to imagine how a species would have survived at all if it's members grew angry and hostile each time their coitus was interrupted!

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

--Fearless Leader (aka Blader)

The JDerion FAQ

2005-12-01T05:28:00.000+03:00

And the utility of redheaded subjects in pre-market testing
Prologue--I recently received a series of unsolicited email messages that I initially dismissed as gibberish. Thinking more about them during a five day sleepless chautauqua, where I primed myself each morning by ingesting a very small maintenance dose of peyote extract, it suddenly struck me that these messages were, in fact, rambling and sometimes pornographic demands from JDerion.

It won’t be helpful to share those messages with you in their entirety as a matter of simple pragmatism: It’s highly improbable you’d be able to replicate the altered state of consciousness I achieved that was necessary to decipher their meaning. Besides, to print them off would consume the equivalent of 200 pages of text.

So, to summarize his salient point, JDerion wrote me to insist that, since I have previously published my very own FAQ, he also deserves to have his FAQ published.

In principle and fairness, it’s not difficult to see some logic behind this. You, my loyal reader, deserve to know more about JDerion…and you SHOULD hear it in his own words. I’ve thought about this matter deeply and reached the conclusion that I have little to fear from giving him a voice on these pages. I’m certain that upon careful and open analysis, you are likely to draw many of the same conclusions as I have about his character.

However, I want to make it explicitly clear that mortal threat, extortion, and malfeasance underlies the publication of JDerion’s FAQ below. He resorted to these tactics because he lacked sufficient confidence that I would share his concerns with you in a fair and impartial manner.

His most alarming threat is one that forces me to post his FAQ in some haste. For unless I do otherwise, he has promised to grind into bone meal over 20,000 squirrel baculum that he’s collected from one of our recently discontinued products. What’s even more despicable, JDerion threatens to use the bone meal to lace salt shakers in the cafeteria of a prominent Midwestern coeducational college prepatory Catholic High School. More horrifying, he claims he will close and lock all exits over the next several hours while he pipes in the collected works of Warren Zevon.

To fully explain the serious nature of this threat, and why he must be stopped, it’s necessary to peel back a few layers of mystery that surround JDerion and his association with Blader Industries, Inc. I’ve resisted sharing the shocking details of this information with you to this point, but now recognize that perhaps some good can come from your understanding of how our paths first intersected.

Several years ago, while taking night classes in algebra and accounting at a local community college, JDerion was selected by my human resources division to work on the day shift as an extract chemist for the New Jersey based Nutriceutical Research and Development subsidiary of Blader Industries, Inc. Let me state from the outset that I did not know the man during his employment with us. No, it’s not because I consider my factory workers as “little people”. But now that you mention it, to be honest, it’s no accident that they have their own bathrooms down there on the factory floor rather than a key to those in the executive suites.

In any event, his responsibilities were to prepare extracts from any number of natural products as a first phase in a program of research designed to identify aphrodisiacs. This is almost embarrassing to admit, so I point out only that these were early days at the Blader Industries, Inc., a time when we were actively probing in any number of directions to fulfill our corporate mission to enhance our customer’s copulatory experiences. Besides, at the time, aphrodisiacs weren’t the anachronism they are today.

In retrospect, what is most notable about JDerion’s personnel record during this period are his daily citations from supervisors for not wearing a protective respirator equipment to shield him from almost certain brain damage caused by the volatile organic solvents with which he worked. One supervisor even wrote, “I have NEVER once seen JDerion wear his mask. Worse, he spends most of his breaks respiring deeply above the dichloromethanol vat. He seems obsessed by the color. Did I mention that he also has a sickening body odor? If we fire him can I be the one to tell him?”

In my defense, these records didn’t come to my attention until long after he was dismissed from our company on the basis of poor personal hygiene, for refusing to cover up his extremely large calf muscles, and because his repeated self-exposure to dichloromethanol was causing him to expel little fragments of his hypothalamus every time he sneezed. Had I known him when he worked here, I would have pulled him aside and had a chat about his behavior. I regret this omission more than any other in my career, because much of everything with him that has occurred subsequently could have been avoided had I intervened.

Near the end of JDerion’s employment, I had returned from a Mongolian chautauqua, where I was deeply inspired by an intriguing bone meal grind highly valued by the indigenous. It was prepared from baculum harvested from the prolific wild Bactrian camel of the central Asian steppes.

At Blader Industries, Inc., we feel a duty to demystify ancient habits and practices, to scratch and see if they are buttressed by any reality. Sometimes they are, but more often we find devices of folklore are little more than a cultural prevarication passed down over the generations to hide some unpleasant truth. So I managed to collect the handful of Bactrian camel baculum from my host’s yurt while he was out with his herd, and brought them back to our laboratories for study.

In a now classic study, late one winter we distributed Bactrian camel baculum bone meal to specially selected volunteers, comprising every red headed worker at Blader Industries, Inc. At the company Christmas party several months later, the results were unequivocal: red headed infants outnumbered blonde and brunette infants by a whopping 10 to 1 margin. We knew we were on to something to something big. There can be no doubt JDerion saw these proprietary results, as he spent the entire evening slouched next to the punch bowl, lasciviously spying the ladies from the secretarial pool, who were engaged in a ribald game of strip truth or dare.

Our subsequent research quickly told us that baculum extracts from wild species were more potent than from domesticated animals. Our key observation was that rodent baculum had a more favorable activity profile than that of any other class of mammal, including the Bactrian camel.

You can imagine for yourself how we progressed from that point to our complete and legendary line of baculum-based products and services, which I won’t recount in great detail other than to mention that Dust o’ LustTM, our proprietary North American grey squirrel baculum-based bone meal, is regarded industry-wide as the most potent and effective pro-copulatory agent ever discovered. Independent analysis of our product conducted by UL, Consumer Reports and others consistently shows that as little as 2 ppm is sufficient to throw our customers into convulsions of passion necessitating either immediate sexual relief or emergency medical services, which ever comes first.

Unfortunately for him and us, JDerion played no significant role in the development of Dust o’ LustTM , although he was on the payroll at that time and had access to those who know our proprietary formula.

Suffice it to say that Blader Industries, Inc. is good corporate citizen, and we recognize the serious danger associated with releasing Dust o’ LustTM in a roomful of Catholic adolescents listening to Warren Zevon for the first time ever. We must do everything in our power to prevent such a tragedy.

For this reason, I’ve agreed to post the JDerion FAQ list, as transcribed by him to me. I can only assert that I have attempted to translate his FAQ list as carefully and faithfully as possible given the hallucinogens I was consuming at that time. To the best of my knowledge, what follows is precisely what he seeks to be published:
--Blader

The JDerion FAQ List as communicated to Blader by JDerion

Here are some questions that are frequently asked of me:

What time is it?
Do you have the time?
Have you seen the remote?
Have you seen the phone?
Did you remember to take out the trash?
Can you stop at the store on the way home?
Are you playing golf on Saturday?
Why don't you get as excited to hang out with me as you do to play golf?
Can you pass the butter?
What is it you do here?

I'd say that those are the ten most frequently asked questions I encounter. Do you want my frequently used responses, or just the questions?

Yours sincerely, JDerion

Where have all the squirrels gone?

2005-11-30T05:39:00.000+03:00

When market analysis goes wrong: the story behind the success of the ‘Rocky’ aftershave product line

We get it wrong sometimes at Blader Industries, Inc., something I’ll be the very first to admit. It’s not at all uncommon for a big player in any industry to act upon poorly developed data or upon the basis of errant assumptions.

Well, at Blader Industries, Inc., our guiding principle is that recovery from institutional error defines us just as much as do our successful product campaigns.

I’m often asked, “Blader, how did your Rocky fragrance become such a great success?” Well, the story is far more convoluted then you could possibly imagine, but like all good stories, it begins with a chautaqua that first led to a marketing disaster.

While out on a chautauqua in western New York state, I just love the chautauqua, I spent an afternoon reflecting alone in a temperate mixed oak/hickory climax forest. A pair of squirrels scampering on the branches and limbs above served as a distraction. At one point, they raced down a tree trunk from high in the canopy to ground level, pausing in front of me on an old decaying fallen tree. There, fifteen feet away, the male, without taking his eyes off of me, briefly mounted the female while perched on a bed of lichen. And they copulated.

If I had turned my head for only an instant I would have missed it. But I was transfixed by the boldness of their act and could think of nothing else for the remainder of the week-long chautauqua.

Each afternoon I returned to that forest, but never saw the squirrel pair again.

Before that day, I had only observed copulation between wild animals at the zoo, or on the Discovery Channel. At home during the night, I am sometimes awakened by the sounds of feral cats “doing the deed”. But that’s as close as its come.

And so it struck me that what I had witnessed was something rare and privileged, not unlike, for example, getting a peak inside Catherine Zeta-Jones’ locker at her health club.

Upon returning to the executive suite at our corporate headquarters, I promptly called a meeting to confer with our New Products subsidiary. Heady over the enormously successful rollout of our ‘Forged’ and ‘Cast” copulatory aids, we hatched a plan to market product that all of us felt would be a sure thing: radio controlled stuffed squirrels as toys.

You know how the mind can race at times, and I confess that this idea crystallized in my mind out in that forest as quickly as those two squirrels completed their business.

We stole a page from the book of my good friend Bill Gates and so a member of my crack team of MBA’s came up with a code name for the development phase of the product. We called it “Rocky doing the wild thing”, as it aptly describes a unique feature of the product unprecedented in the radio commanded toy space: By flipping a switch Rocky and his mate could be directed to mimic any of three copulatory acts….missionary style, spoon style or the rear mounting “squirrelly style” I witnessed in that New York forest.

Working off of some dusty market research data that Blader Industries, Inc. had collected years before, we felt we could use “Rocky doing the wild thing” to tap into a niche market comprised of children, aged 4-8, who enjoy both fury animals and who were developing important motor skills with simple radio controlled toy objects. Our target market also included those who are also regular viewers of nature programming on Animal Planet and Discovery Channel.

We positioned “Rocky doing the wild thing”, a stuffed animal toy that could copulate upon command, to take the environmental educational toy sector to an entirely new level. The idea was both robust and revolutionary, exactly the kind of thing consumers have come to expect from Blader Industries, Inc.

You might wonder by now what on earth any of this has to do with a successful aftershave fragrance?

Unfortunately, two issues conspired to destroy the genius of “Rocky doing the wild thing”. First, we were quickly sued by attorneys representing a class of customers claiming defective manufacture and false advertising.

These parents mistakenly believed they were purchasing toys that would only copulate. In fact, the toys were programmed to scamper up and down trees and across telephone lines, leaping into nearby bird feeders, and so on, and to copulate at any point in this ‘foreplay’ upon command. The parents claimed to incur extraordinary, painful and unexpectedly high battery costs as a consequence of this programmed ‘foreplay’.

Furthermore, since the children so much enjoyed watching the toys copulate, they would trigger the ‘copulate’ button whilst the toys scampered high on wires or in trees. Oftentimes, the toys would lose their balance and fall from these positions. Unlike real squirrels, the toys would shatter and break from falls in excess of 50 feet or so. On this basis, their lawyers claimed defective manufacture.

A second crippling issue was that 80% of our inventory during the rollout phase was purchased at retail cost by a single, and initially mysterious, client. This made it very difficult to keep up with demand from our retail outlet customers, who eventually grew tired of the persistent back orders and eventually stopped ordering the product.

Before we knew it, competitors had taken a cue from us and began marketing copulatory paired toys. For example, Mattel began co-packaging Barbie dolls with members of their GI Joe collection. Before we knew it, the competition had saturated the very market that Blader Industries first cultivated!

Details on the mysterious client were initially nebulous. But it soon became clear that it was none other than JDerion, who attempted to remain anonymous during the process. He would instruct our delivery personnel to deliver shipments to a remote and apparently abandoned New Jersey warehouse in the vicinity of the Pine Valley Golf Club, making every attempt to evade visual contact. He ordered the shipment to be stacked outside the warehouse, from which he would only emerge after the driver had left and was well down the road.

I had spent much of the rollout period, while all this was going on, in the Djiboutian Highlands, negotiating for delivery of the fall wool harvest. I only became aware of this development well after the damage was done.

I knew instantly that it was JDerion when our driver mentioned, almost in passing, that the oddest feature of what had become for him a regular delivery, was the music booming over the warehouse campus each time he visited: Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy” :

Well, I really don't mind the rain

And a smile can hide all the pain

But you're down when you're ridin' the train that's takin' the long way

And I dream of the things I'll do

With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe

There'll be a load of compromisin'

On the road to my horizon

But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy

Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo

Rhinestone cowboy

Gettin' cards and letters from people I don't even know

And offers comin' over the phone

Knowing JDerion’s obsession with my life’s work, and his compulsive taste for awful music, it was simple to connect the dots.

Our associates were eventually able to draw him out of the warehouse by erecting a king kong sized fake stuffed squirrel near the entrance of Pine Valley. Upon entering, they managed to shut off “Rhinestone Cowboy” only to be horrified by the sight of tens of thousands of stuffed squirrels strewn about the facility haphazardly. Perhaps what is most sickening was that a small incision was made in the genital region of each male, from which the os baculum was removed. The stuffed female squirrels were untouched but the missing os baculum were nowhere to be found.

We faced a problem. What on earth could we do with the corpses, albeit lifelike in every way thanks to the finest taxidermy this side of the Pecos, of tens of thousands of stuffed squirrels, half of which no longer possessed their os baculum?

After a quick brainstorming session we struck upon an obvious solution: We’d make a male aftershave fragrance based upon a squirrel motif. It turned out, at that very point, we were searching for a product that could go head to head against “Ouder”, the latest from the formidable marketing talents of our competitors at Calvin Klein.

We called our aftershave “Rocky”, and the real genius behind Rocky is our sales driving promotion: with each bottle sold, the customer receives a complementary mounted squirrel head, for show in his home or office or even in his remote wilderness cabin. Our customers know that nothing primes their mates better for copulatory activities than wall-mounted representation of fierce, wild creatures, slain by their man in a death match for the ages!

The “Rocky” fragrance rollout has been so successful that we’ve long since exhausted our supply of squirrel heads from that New Jersey warehouse.

And so this story also explains how Blader Industries Inc. has become the top squirrel farmer in North America, where simple due to corporate necessity we have revolutioned sustainable squirrel farming to the extent that we’ve practically invented the industry as everyone now knows it.

--Blader

I am Bob Woodward's Source

2005-11-21T22:27:00.000+03:00

All I need is a little soap and a shave and I'm coming clean

In a sort of a high stakes exercise in musical chairs, everybody who is anybody in Washington is issuing a public denial that they served as Bob Woodward's source for the leak that Valerie Plame, the wife of Ambassador Joseph Wilson, worked at the CIA and was classified as a spy.

So to save everybody a lot of angst worrying about where they might be when the music stops playing, let me simply admit, on the record, that I was the source of this information.

And it was a total accident.

I ran into Bob in a terminal at the Boise Idaho Airport some time ago. Here's a relatively recent picture I have of him. Although quite frankly, he didn't have the beard and appeared somewhat older at the airport than the picture shows. I wondered if perhaps the irregularity that comes with frequent travel might be responsible for the latter.

Bob pretended not to recognize me, which is not surprising given the sensitive nature of his work, but we chatted it up anyway. He was real fidgety, and actually didn't really say too much. He had a nervous smile, kept looking at his watch, and at me, and elsewhere, seeming kind of anxious, while we talked.

He did say he was on his way home, and offered me his autograph, but I declined because I didn't have one of his books on me.

His behavior reminded me of some of the people I'd interact with back when I worked for the government, so after we chatted about my business ventures and so on, I got to talking with him about some of the better looking women I knew who worked at the CIA. I was just listing them off, starting with the natural blondes, and Valerie's name just kind of tumbled out.

What was really neat was that when the flight to Los Angeles was called, Bob got up and boarded, even though he said he was going to his home, which I'm sure is in Washington because I've been on his front portch, talking to him through the door, on several ocassions.

What a professional!! He can really be trusted to keep a secret, even though he got this one by total mistake.

Bladerpalooza

2005-11-18T18:02:00.000+03:00

The genesis of the 'transcendental TV' genre

People often point out that I have a lot in common with guys like Donald Trump and Richard Branson.

I'm usually insulted by such talk.

Those guys just play themselves in their "reality tv shows", which doesn't strike me as very difficult or particularly creative.

I can assure you from personal experience that there is nothing at all difficult about being a larger then life megamogul. I can't imagine having an easier life and I find nothing simpler than being me. So how could me playing me in a tv show prove challenging?

True, I am hounded by an obsessively halluncinogenic jihadist-wannabe, hell bent on seeing a tortured and bloody end to my life...but that's all mostly just a nuisance that, if anything, adds more color and texture to my life.

As I write this I'm comfortably reclined in the first class cabin of a Delta Boeing 777, piercing the sky over the pacific en route to Atlanta, smugly satisfied that I've just, once again, intuitively taken advantage of an opportunity to set an entirely new cultural paradigm.

Currently, I think it's fair to say that my media presence transcends life, and so it only makes sense that any programming based upon me should also be transcendental in scope. As I routinely tell producers and pitchmen, it's not enough for me to just be some central character cultivating proteges in a reality tv format.

I boarded the flight with several members of a troupe of World Wrestling Federation members, heading home after a string of shows in Japan, where their performance art is highly valued. Still creatively juiced from their tour, the wrestlers were very receptive to new ways of thinking when I introduced myself.

They are now back in the business class cabin, sleeping off one heck of a beerfest we enjoyed together in the Narita Airport Delta Crown Room, where we hatched and consummated a plan to revolutionize mogul TV.

My loyal readers, you are witnessing the end of the tired 'reality TV' genre and the dawn of a new media epoch tentatively called, 'transcendental TV'

For in that waiting lounge I and the wrestlers broadly outlined the development, along with some of the initial choreography, of a new slam-fest wrestling event that will depict, as allegorical epic, my righteousness, my struggles and my ultimate victory against my archenemy, JDerion.

In the matches, I will be depicted by a wrestler in white trunks, as white is the internationally recognized symbol of the good guys. The wrestler depicting the evil JDerion will wear black trunks.

The show, tentatively entitled, Bladerpalooza, will air on WTBS at 11:00 pm EST on Saturdays.

[To my good friends at Delta Airlines I deeply regret the damage caused to the Narita Crown Room sofa and also the 4 chairs and table next to the beer refrigerator. These were inadvertant casualties as we experimented with some initial staging for our allegory. However, the damaged pair of reclining chairs closest to the entryway are NOT our responsibility. The middle easterner wearing the fez and the suspicious, paranoid and vaguely familiar looking man with him were not members of our party and were involved in an entirely separate imbroglio. You can contact the help-desk at Blader Industries, Inc. to be compensated for your losses, in addition to a generous 10% discount off our products and services for your troubles.]

Stunning Research

2005-11-17T00:25:00.000+03:00

The Importance of R&D

I tell my associates over and again that you can't do too much research in our industry. If you pause for just an instant, the competition will be watching you from their rear view mirrors.

Because of that, I'm always proud of Blader Industries, Inc. record of innovation in the world-wide copulation market sector, and I'll boast about it to anybody who listens.

So it's a rare day that you'll find me impressed and humbled by the research conducted by other entitities.

It doesn't take a brilliant business person to notice the importance of carefully conducted placebo controlled research on breast size in terms of long term profitability.

What a long strange trip

2005-11-16T17:04:00.000+03:00

From Uzbekistan to Narita

Well, it turns out I needn't have worried about that caravan approaching up the valley. They were not a JDerion-led death squad, but a contingent of CIA and US State Department operatives desperately hoping I'd help them out with a little problem.

Good thing too, because I never did find my kalashnikov in that whore house.

It's a long story, but they came to ask me to join President Bush's diplomatic mission to Asia, which will be capped by extremely important high level discussions in Beijing.

The bottom line is President Bush has a notorious reputation in diplomacy. He routinely forgets the names of his counterparts from other countries.

For example, at last years Chilean APEC conference, the President persistently addressed China's President Hu Jintao as, 'Cowboy', as in the following off the cuff statement he made to the assembled press: "Good ol' President, er, Cowboy, and myself just discussed my opinion that he should allow more US exports to China, especially guns and tanks."

For reasons not entirely clear to me, career diplomats find this kind of talk embarrassing.

So I agreed to help them and caught a CIA transport out of Uzbekistan, landing at Andrew's AFB just in time to board Air Force One. There I was given a Stewards' uniform and instructions to frequently service the presidential cabin.

For his part, President Bush was instructed to address me as 'Hu Jintao' each time he saw me. Other 'stewards' had joined the flight to play surrogates for other heads of state in Japan and Korea. The hope was this would burn the names of these important people on President Bush's, lips so that by the time we arrived in Asia, the names would be second nature.

But by 3 hours into the flight President Bush was hopelessly confused, and had reverted to addressing us all as, "cowboy" each time he saw us.

So we simply chilled out in the press cabin, becoming involved in a vicious high stakes scrabble game with an AP pool reporter and some hack from the Washington Post.

When we landed in Japan, the State Department functionary responsible for the plan learned of our failure and became livid.

She called a taxi, and gave us each a $1000 voucher for return travel.

So I'm in the Narita terminal, pondering my next move.

Rolling out new copulatory products

2005-11-15T20:29:00.000+03:00

Blader Industries, Inc. announces "Forged" and "Cast"

Blader Industries, Inc. is a world wide leader in copulatory aids and devices, with a corporate mission to improve copulation frequency and effectiveness, thereby ensuring the survival of the species.

It is our position that "Forged" is the most significant advance in breast implant material since the invention of salt, and it will revolutionize copulation.

Briefly, "Forged" provides instantaneous feedback to a gentleman when properly massaged during the commission of a foreplay act. When caressed perfectly, "Forged" emits a very long wavelength, inaudible hyposonic tone perceptable only to his subconscious, triggering receptivity in the female and instinctual mounting behavior in the partner, leading to successful completion of the copulatory act.

The research and devlopment group at Blader Industries, Inc., a crack group of engineers and scientists recently returned from their annual brain-storming chataqua on the Bikini Atoll, recognizes that copulators come in many sizes, shapes and talents.

Therefore, we have also released our companion product--"Cast". "Cast" is almost identical in every way to forged except that in addition to triggering the brain's mounting centers, "Cast" also directs subliminal information towards the brain motor centers. These cues allow for a more forgiving fine motor control of copulation in those customers for whom this is problematic.

Not intended for use with farm animals. Blader Industries, Inc. is a multinational publicly traded concern listed on the worlds major stock exchanges. This announcement contains forward looking statements that may or may not be true and is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be used as a sole source in making investment decisions.

My most embarassing professional moment

2005-11-12T17:40:00.000+03:00

Cruising with retired homies ain't what it's cracked up to be

Several years ago, as I was just starting out after college, I was hired on by North Star Cruiselines to serve as the night shift Entertainment Steward on their New York to London trans-Atlantic voyage.

One of their representatives had seen me in action one night while I was in college, where I frequently volunteered as a DJ at fraternity parties. My natural talents at working a party crowd into a throbbing frenzy, whether drunk or sober, were obvious to most even at a young age. And I liked the challenge.

The whole market model of this particular cruise ship service was to attract recently retired passengers for some "roaring 20's escapism." The shipping lane went through the North Atlantic ice fields as the customers, newly unshackled from the responsibilities of making a living, partied on and laughed in the face of the apparent danger.

Normally after a night shift I'd go catch some sleep, but on one day I went up to the tee range, driving golf balls off the deck for hours on end, trying to hit passing ice bergs. I was working to 'sustain the lag' during my downswing, and having pretty good success groving this particular 'secret of the golf swing'. I was enjoying the joviality and digging with some of the passengers, who had gathered to marvel at my shotmaking prowess.

Whether it was because I hadn't napped following the previous night shift, or the chill North Atlantic air or the hard excercise, or a combination of all three, but I became pretty tired, and the sun was beginning to set.

One of my duties each evening was to program the Muzak system, piped into the ships restrooms, hallways, decks and elevators, for a 12 hr intervals. I simply had to make some musical selections and load the play list of about 100 tunes, and hit 'replay' after the last tune just in case it doesn't run through the night and it can start back at the 1st tune of the list.

Well, as I mentioned I was tired, and when I get tired I tend to get a little goofy. So I added the theme song from the movie "Titanic" deep in the middle of the playlist. I figured maybe one or two guys with enlarged prostates waking up to urinate might hear this at 3am and get a little chuckle from the irony.

Unfortunately, before closing the window on the playlist page I somehow managed, without noticing, to check the replay box on the "Titanic" tune and simultaneously delete every other song in the play list!!

So what ended up happening was that the only song piped out that night on the Muzak system was the "Titanic" theme....over, and over, and over again.

I went to my cabin to take a little nap before going on shift, only to fall asleep immediately before setting my alarm clock.

I didn't learn of my mistake until the next morning, when the captain woke me up. He told me that all of the ship's passengers, and some of the crew, had begun assembling on the decks in life jackets beginning at about 1 am, and that by 6 am it was a full panic situation!!

The captain was kind enough to stay in my stateroom to help me compose an explanation and apology to our passengers, which I went out on deck to read shortly before breakfast.

FAQ

2005-11-11T16:52:00.000+03:00

Since the public debut of my log yesterday, I've been inundated with questions. This FAQ list should answer the more pressing issues that have arisen so that we all can get back to focusing upon my work and my ongoing adventures.

Who are you?
I am Blader, an international man of mystery without portfolio.....and captain of industry, I almost always forget to mention the latter.

Are you an enigma?
No, but I am complex.

Why are there no pictures of you anywhere on the internet?
The short answer is for security purposes.

The full answer is that there are murderous sycophants who walk this earth, most especially an accountant chap from New Jersey with deep and unfullfilled interests in constitutional law, who perceive me as their mortal enemy and will stop at nothing to snuff me from the face of this earth.

Where are you now?
At the moment, I'm laying over at a whorehouse in Uzbekistan. I arrived here accidentally. My intention was to check some of my property on the Gaza strip, as rumors were swirling that the Iranians intended to wipe Israel off the map. Instead, I boarded the wrong flight in Port Said, which landed here in Gazalkent.

I remain because it is the only facility within hundreds of miles with a reliable internet connection. The reason this particular whorehouse is 'wired' is because the proprietor also runs a side business...a clearinghouse for Uzbekistani women seeking to become internet brides in American and Europe. At first I'd hoped to develop certain corporate synergies between our enterprises, but the situation is deteriorating rapidly and I'll be moving on as soon as I can find durable transportation.

Can you describe your childhood for me?
Sure. I was born into humble surroundings.

Not "out in a manger in Bethlehem" humble, but close enough for comfort, if you catch my drift.

My father grew up in the only Caucasian share- cropper family in Tupelo County, Mississippi. He was a hard working, self-made man with only a primary school education but a superb and complete set of teeth, which he was smart enough to take advantage of as he made his fortune in the widget sector.

His success was all the more remarkable because, unlike me, he wasn't a WASP.

From where do you derive your obvious self-confidence?
About the time I reached middle school age, Daddy's garage-based widget business was becoming something of a success. In fact, it was so successful that it became frequently mentioned in many of the leading business and economics textbooks of the time.

Our home became a destination for many pilgram-type characters hoping to capture the scent of his success just by driving by on the front road. Kind of like Graceland.

He decided to move the family from the Mississippi co-op farm where I was born and where he worked as a mechanic, out to a large and more private estate in the Hamptons of New York.

It was in the Hamptons that my natural talent for lawn games blossomed. I was simply unbeatable...I knew it as did every other child and parent in the neighborhood. I derived a great deal of self-confidence in my abilities from that.

Before long, none of the parents in the neighborhood would allow their progeny to accept my challenges to compete. I turned these talented gifts from badminton and croquet and focused upon golf, which I could play alone.

To this day, the course records that I established in country clubs up and down Long Island as a youth remain unchallenged. I excel in golf to this very day but I only compete in badminton and croquet against my children.....who are no match for my talent.

Is that talent in golf somehow related to the derivation of your name?
It is true that in golf I play with an extremely unforgiving set of classic forged blade irons that only a few among the best players in the world would dare use. Most people in the world now play with dull feeling 'forgiving, cast cavity back irons'....something I cannot tolerate since I am a 'feel' player.

My talent and my equipment make me a rare sight on most golf courses. People mistakenly believe that I have been nicknamed after my style of golf play, as in: "What a great shot with some very unforgiving irons, man o man that guy is a superb blader!"

True enough. But in fact, I am named after my maternal great-grandmother: Wilmette Corinthia Blader, a well known activist in the suffrage movement.

Do you enjoy golf?
Golf both obsesses and completes me.

Back to your business interests, how did you come to focus upon the copulation industry?
Inspired genius, I suppose.

A few years ago it struck me that scientists in western societies had only recently (within the past few hundred years) put two and two together to discover that procreation is a consequence of copulatory activity. Simply put, Blader Industries focuses upon the copulatory sector because we want to be a major player in the procreation markets for a long time to come. You can't have the latter without the former.

Our competitors have accused us of simply hitching are trailer to a self-replicating entity that even the most challenged company could profit from, but any dispassionate observer who takes a look at our diverse product line know it's a lot more than that.

As I continued my analysis of the industry it became quite clear that a mistaken perception was that pornographers 'owned' the copulatory sector. However, our carefully conducted, scientifically controlled and double-blinded two-tailed analysis of variance research showed that the vast majority of pornography consumers were actually engaged in acopulatory activities, in private, all by themselves! Without partners!! And in copulation never is the old adage that it takes two to tango ever more applicable.

I think you know what I mean when I say that the only way pornography consumers were going to get any procreation out of their consumptive activities would be to evolve into hermaphrodites! LOL!!

So we saw a niche that pornographers weren't filling, and we stepped right in. I suppose I owe my fortune for achieving this insight before most others.

Are you bullish on the copulation sector?
Absolutely.

There are enormous opportunities for growth in the sector. For example, there are many primitive peoples throughout the world who have yet to put two and two together and connect the dots between their copulatory activities and that a little bundle of joy squirming around on the dirt floor of their hut. Blader Industries sees enormous mercantile potential in cultivating those consumers and helping them draw the lines between the dots, much as westerners have. Our test marketing, particularly in Djibouti, has proven that as the primitive come to understand better the basic biology of reproduction, they'll want our products.

If you'll forgive me, they'll come in and out of our stores again, and again and again.

So growth is limited to the third world?
Not at all.

Don't kid yourself, there are a LOT of people in Kansas, for example, and other areas of the Bible belt who think that pregnancy is something that is spread on tractor seats....or even just sort of happens spontaneously through prayer.

I'm sure you've seen the type: "Well, if I'm meant to be pregnant God will make it happen." Nine months later they've forgotten all about the copulation but the memory of that prayer is seared in their minds.

In a nutshell, what Blader Industries, Inc. does is reverse that. As a group of companies, our goal is to enhance the copulatory experience to ensure that every instance of copulation is seared into the minds of our customers.

We foresee a time when playground conversations are not about pot roasts, or leak proof diapers or even how to position little Johnny's extracurricular activities to improve his chances of being accepted in the more prestigious pre-K programs. No, we want those mothers discussing with their peer groups every detail regarding the conception of that child!

Do you see these fundamentalists as threats to your mercantile interests and growth prospects?
Not at all, they amuse us.

And they will be our customers down the road, it's inevitable. Look, the process of evolution has equipped humanity...even fundamentalists...with the irresistable urge to copulate.

Heck, look at Jimmy Swaggart, who experienced unnecessary emotional pain as a futile reaction brought on by suppressing his deep-rooted biological urges. Since then, he not only has became one of Blader Industries, Inc. most important customers, I'm happy to report that he now sports a much improved haircut. It's remarkable what we've been able to accomplish for him.

Blader Industries has a lot of non-profit subdivisions, what's up with that?
It should surprise nobody that our interests are simultaneously mercantile and in service to humanity.

Look people really like to copulate, and almost all cultures treasure new born babies. At Blader Industries, Inc., we came to recognize that these are primal, insatiable pleasures. And it's not only pleasurable, but also absolutely essential for the species to propagate if it hopes to ward off extinction.

C'mon, there are a lot of people out there, should we really be concerned about the extinction of humanity?
That's exactly what they used to say about passenger pigeons.

I see you are getting distracted by that caravan of trucks moving up the valley from a distance, so one last question: Are you really Richard Branson, head of the Virgin group of companies?
LOL!! I've heard those rumors, too.

No. I'm actually very much afraid of heights, and my beard is much darker than his.

But I'll be honest with you, since these rumors began to swirl I've found it difficult not to conclude that in many ways, Richard Branson is almost a caricature of myself.

But that's probably a judgement I'm least well positioned to make. I'll leave that to you, instead.

I'm sorry, but you are right, I should be moving....that caravan is both unexpected and getting closer.

Do you remember if I came into this room carrying my kalashnikov? Where did I last put that?

Introduction

2005-11-11T05:41:00.000+03:00

Allow me to introduce myself. I am known by my many friends simply as Blader.

Strictly as a matter of corporate protocol, my associates refer to me as 'Fearless Leader'.

If you have found this log, then we shall presume that you have joined my circle of friends and so I ask that you address me by my given, rather than by my corporate, name.

I am a rare, dark eyed natural blond with a thick dark beard that I shave daily. My chest hair is impeccably groomed. In many primitive areas of the world that I travel, great attention is given to how a man cares for his chest hair and I have grown to cherish this protocol.

Who is Blader? Blader is complex, but hardly an enigma. I won't bore you with the details of my upbringing and education, other than to allow that both were considerable.

In some parts of the world I am extremely popular, and as I exit whatever mode of transportation I had taken to arrive in any particular hamlet, I'm often greeted warmly by the indigenous people. I am a neo-colonialist.

This is most especially true in my adopted homeland of Djibouti.

My association with the disobedient goes back many years. How it began was a mixture of good fortune and inspired genius.

Briefly, I discovered Djibouti one evening as I passed time in the bathroom leafing through the "D" World Book of Encyclopedia. I'll never forget the haunting feeling that came over me when I read that their birth rate was estimated to be slightly less than 20 births per 1,000 population.

As a leader in the copulation industry, my firm is known as the Haliburton of the copulation industry, I saw a clear opportunity. After finishing my business and flushing, I made some phone calls and before you could say "clip clap scally wag give your dog a bone" I was comfortably reclined inside my Gulfstream IV shooting towards the east coast of Africa where I was to meet President Ismail Omar Guelleh of Djibouti.

As your time is no less valuable than my own, I'll cut to the chase: It was not difficult to persuade President Guelleh of my proposal for he is a brilliant man. He accepted my offer that Blader Industries, Inc. would provide a no cost nationwide copulatory consulting service in exchange for access as the primary exporter of the fine wool that is harvested from virgin sheep in the Djiboutian highlands.

As you can discover for yourself, since Blader Industries has been on the job, the birth rate in Djibouti has doubled to 40 births per 1,000 population.

In the copulation industry, news of that kind of success spreads faster than a drug resistant venereal disease. As such, in addition to running my conglomerate, I'm frequently on the road giving speeches at various trade meetings, conferences and chataqua's.

At the moment I'm in a Uzbekistanian whorehouse. How I got here is a long story that I've posted elsewhere, but it began with an unexpected, and thankfully brief, imprisonment in Burkinio Faso on trumped up charges brought by, shall we just say, my nemesis.

After escaping I made my way to the west coast of Africa, then through the Mediterranean to Egypt, where I mistakenly boarded a flight that took me to my current location.

I'm not exactly trapped here, and feel I'm doing some good work by using computer skills to assist these wonderful southwest asian ladies become American Brides.

I hear the usual late afternoon commotion down below.....the mullahs are out and about 'cleaning' the streets and so we must all sit quietly as the rampage exhausts itself.

I will post you again later

---Blader