Friday, August 24, 2007

Shocking News: Jenna Jameson Implants Stolen


I approach you today with somber news that the porn star Jenna Jameson's breast implants, which she had surgically removed just a few days ago, have disappeared and are believed stolen.

This represents a significant setback to our Copulation Hall of Fame, Co., subsidiary, as our corporate strategy involved using the implants as a 'marquee' item on our "Best Busts in the Business" display at the museum and we paid a princely sum to acquire the property in advance of the procedure.

Our Chief Financial Officer is penning a press release at this time, as required by the SEC, that will publicly announce this loss just after the markets close, and will detail our plan to recover the property at all reasonable cost.

Until the markets close at 4pm, there shall be no further discussion except amongst yourselves.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Memo: Your Responsibilities and the Employee Health Benefit


Your colleagues in the Health Insurance offices of the Benefits Department of our Human Resources subsidiary have asked that I remind you to be a healthful partner as we endeavor to give you the widest possible health insurance coverage at the lowest possible cost.

The degree to which Blader Industries, Inc., colleagues and interns can collectively demonstrate superior good health, is the degree to which we'll be able to expand your health coverage benefit. In fact, this is, in part, how we can 'afford' to offer you insurance coverage against poorly performed accidental breast augmentation procedures, as just one example.

It has come to our attention that we have room to improve across all sectors of our conglomerate when it comes to healthful sunbathing hygiene. As you are aware, Blader Industries, Inc., has a generous chautauqua policy, and we are especially delighted at how many times each year our colleagues are given opportunities to chautauqua on sun drenched beaches and golf courses, while conducting official Blader Industries, Inc., business, research, marketing and consulting services.

But we've done the calculations and concluded that our health benefit costs can rise sharply if we don't do more to prevent skin damage, including disfiguring cancerous lesions, caused by too much sun exposure while on corporate duty.

Therefore, in the style of imaginative solutions you've grown to expect from your crack team of Benefits Specialists, I've followed their recommendation and instructed the staff colleagues in our wholly owned Mail Room subsidiary to distribute to each and every colleague an attractive straw sombrero with which to shade your head, face and shoulders while out on chautauqua.

Our male colleagues will additionally receive a smaller sombrero, to be used to shade your sensitive private parts while out in the sun.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Blader Industries, Inc. Rolls out "Conception Day" Product in Russia


It gives me a sense of unbridled flatulence to finally be able to 'take the wraps off' one of Blader Industries, Inc., most exciting new initiatives to date.

Some time ago, I was approached in considerable secrecy by representatives from the highest level of the Russian government concerned about their declining birthrates. They asked us to devise a plan to reverse this alarming trend, with the explicit goal of heading off an almost certain population bottleneck if the trend continued.

I assigned this task to our crack team of specialists in the wholly-owned Copulation Consulting, Inc., subsidiary, who I'm happy to say has come up with a bangup plan, which the Russian government has adopted from us for a considerable fee.

Colleagues, I give you: Conception Day!!! On Sept 12 this and every year, Russians will take a National Copulation Holiday, encouraged to stay home and copulate away!! Any progeny born PRECISELY 9 months later on June 12 will be known as Baby Patriots, and they and their parents will be eligible for any number of prizes and whatnots as an additional incentive to actually copulate, rather than go boating or play golf or whatnot.

Because of the high profile nature of this successful campaign, or staff in the wholly-owned Marketing, Inc., subsidiary have come up with a catchy new corporate slogan as the center of our new ad campaign:

Blader Industries, Inc., because copulation isn't always a biological imperative

Memo: Nude Blogging Policy


The Board of Directors at Blader Industries, Inc. has deliberated and approved my proposal that all blogging by staff conducted on Mondays be performed while tastefully attired In The Nude.

I encourage all Blader Industries, Inc. staff members to follow that link to acquaint themselves with the philosophy and aims of the program.

This directive applies also to staff members en route to chautauqua on Mondays. If you are blogging while in transit, please be sure to do so in the nude.

Please file this memo in your personal directory under: Authoritative and Compulsory. This is applicable to all Blader Industry, Inc. employees in all wholly owned and independent subsidiaries of our conglomerate, including those in the horizontally and vertically integrated corporate subsectors.

This directive most especially applies to those of you working outside my office in the Executive Suite secretarial pool at One Blader Plaza.

If there are any questions or concerns regarding this policy, please make an appointment to see me. As usual, I will continue to follow my non-discriminatory policy of meeting only with female employees on Mondays and only with male employees on Tuesdays.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

On the Evolution of Oratorical Style


If you've ever read my FAQ, you'll know I was raised by a wild pack of Jesuit scholars. And if there is one thing Jesuit scholars understand, it is oratorical styles. Most especially ethos, figures of speech that are designed to promote ones authority and credentials so that you might be more persuaded by his argument. And it is true, Jesuits will resort to torture until their students understand these details.

For example, when I make recommendations for you to live and work by on these pages, my status as a CEO and fearless leader of a major vertically integrated industrial conglomerate carries the weight of authority we all know a CEO must enjoy in his life's station. And you follow my recommendations because you know a CEO wouldn't be a CEO if he didn't have something going for him.

If this is not yet clear to you, let me appeal to your more primitive, intuitive intellect. I'm talking about a situation not at all unlike the implied authority of a gorilla thumping his chest in a forest clearing as he asks you to leave his territory so he can copulate in privacy. You recognize, do you not, from the chest thumping, that the gorilla is in a excellent position to kick your ass if you fail to heed his warning call? The gorilla has credentials, and is indicating he is not afraid to use those credentials unless you leave.

And so we come to todays point. It appears that another humongous discussion has broken out on the internets following an article that asks whether readers believe humans (in their present form) and dinosaurs coexisted on the earth.

Not infrequently, someone chimes in to defend this completely scientifically disproven but intriguing notion (there are, afterall, movies and TV shows showing dinosaurs and humans together and so it looks possible). And also not infrequently, they begin their defense of this proposition by first pointing out that they have credentials in a scientific or technical field and that you should heed their words knowing their authority.

Their first appeal is to your sense of ethos!!! OMG!!! Even creationists understand oratorical style, almost as if they, too, were raised by a wild pack of Jesuit scholars!!!

A creationist who is an engineer, who has a master's degree, has a math degree or who is even a math professor is a BIG DEAL in their culture, because it is so rare to have someone who is actualy not horribly mis-educated.

I imagine the only thing bigger, in terms of status, than parishioner at a fundamentalist church who is an engineer would be to have a congregation member who's been cured of homosexuality----through the power of prayer, of course--without resorting to drugs, surgery or electroshock therapy. Someone like that would probably even get their own pew all to themselves (just in case they are not really cured and it's contagious).

And so allow me to conclude this article by saying, do not despair for the apparent numbers of creationist engineers, mathematicians and math professors. There are, in fact, only 12 such individuals but they just seem like there are a lot because they are in such a habit of establishing ethos. Their pastor probably makes them do it no less than 100 times each Sunday after services.

For example:

Parishioner: Great sermon by the Pastor today, eh, Fred?"

Math Professor: Speaking as a Math Professor, yes.

Parishioner: It is so cool that you are on our team and not on the Darwinists side.

So don't worry. People who establish their technical skill and then say, "Yes, indeed, I've done the math, there certainly are problems with Darwin's little myth", are just engaged in a style of oratory that goes back well before great human-ape schism of 6,000,000 BC.