Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Steady Progress in Global War on Virginity


As our Annual Report consistently shows, Blader Industries, Inc., has generously sponsored various copulation science research activities at any number of private institutes world-wide, with no strings attached. Our corporate mission is to get people copulating, because a virgin is obviously NOT a potential customer.

So you can only imagine I'm speckled to the point of flatulence to share with you early notice of ground breaking research from the Guttmacher Institute, which demonstrates for the first time that only 10% of newly married people are virgins. Clearly, we are making substantial progress in the Global War on Virginity.

But a word of warning. Suffice it to say, as the accompanying picture attests, our opposition is well-armed, ruthless, and no less committed to their cause then are we.

Our corporate motto at Blader Industries, Inc., is "A copulating customer is a happy customer" and so it is quite gratifying to see these attempts from our competitors to encourage abstinence among our potential customer base are falling limp.

The Flower of Depravity and the Root of Evil

This is one weird coincidence.

Yesterday, after checking the mail, I spied a dandelion on my front lawn, and in a flash all my mind could see was the flower of all depravity, and no doubts, from the Root of all Evil.

It was a cold, stark vision. Almost disabling but not exactly.

So I went back to the garage and came back to blast that bitch with a couple of pumps of Roundup (2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid).

God, that felt good. I haven't sleep better in months.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Victory in Major Battle of Global War on Evolution

Colleagues-With both immutable glee and a considerable immutable resolve I write this memo to share some glorious news. Not long ago, with the darkly stunning decision of our leaders to protect a vast marine island habitat, we experienced a major setback in the global war on evolution, one that caused me considerable grief and despair.

This is a war we MUST continue to fight, and not waver in our resolve, if we have any hope of ridding the diabolical scourge of evolution on this planet.

But, oh how quickly our spirits can be lifted!!!

I've just received this confidential document from a Blader Industries, Inc. associate running deep cover in a brothel located on the outskirts of the Hong Kong city center. I don't need to add that she secured this information at great personal risk of contracting a venereal disease. But I digress.

The document describes that a group of Darwinists out on chautauqua have concluded the inevitable extinction of a large fish, the rare white river dolphin or baiji (Lipotes vexillifer), a species thought to have migrated into and populated the Yangtze River basin some 20 million years ago. Talk about wearing out your welcome!! LOL!!

Well, I could go on and on, particularly about the wisdom of a large fish "evolving" that is completely incapable of breathing underwater, but here is the money shot:
Randall Reeves, chairman of the Swiss-based World Conservation Union's Cetacean Specialist Group, who took part in the Yangtze mission, said expedition participants were surprised at how quickly the dolphins disappeared.

"Some of us didn't want to believe that this would really happen, especially so quickly," he said. "This particular species is the only living representative of a whole family of mammals. This is the end of a whole branch of evolution."

That's our mission colleagues. Let's once again become masters of our own destiny: Let's end evolution, one whole branch at a time.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Intromission Lost

Further evidence that points to the diabolic nature of evolution: Now the Darwinists would have you believe that it is possible to evolve a penis only to lose it.


This is EXACTLY like the lame actor who stands in the closet doorway and says, "Now I'm in the room." Before stepping back and saying, "Now I'm out." And on and on and on.

You don't just throw away perfectly designed and useful organs, especially sexual organs, for no good reason.

And besides, do you understand what this new 'theory' predicts? It predicts that men could just spontaneously lose their penis's. What is more shocking, our women would NOT care about it one way or the other!!!

These ideas completely strain credulity.

Do they bother with any 'alternative' theories? Like the possibility that the animals that actually lost their penis's chose to go onto a soybean rich diet and might have 'lost' their penis because they were turning gay?

Not at all. The only theory they can come up with is that male species lose their penis's because of evolution.

Well, as much as I feel this work can be discredited in so many ways, at the same time, I cannot imagine a greater threat to our industry sector, not to mention the future reproductive viability of our species, should these ideas take hold.

Therefore, I'm pleased to announce that Blader Industries, Inc. is donating $1million to the Copulation Market Sector Political Action Committee to underwrite several activities under the general umbrella of the newly formed "Save Our Penis's Campaign."

Jim Rutz Shoots for Straights: Declares Economic Jihad on Heartland

Colleagues- I'm pleased to the point of flatulence that my good friend and fellow intellectual visionary Jim Rutz has chosen to release and discuss his key research findings that prove without any controversy whatsoever that Soy is making kids 'gay'.

This groundbreaking work convincingly demonstrates that devilish estrogen-like chemicals in soybean products cause COMPLETELY NORMAL children to have many, many feminine characteristics, including small penises!!! Naturally, these traits are the key hallmarks of deviant homosexuals and have been extremely difficult to eradicate from our species using only selective breeding programs.

Well, duh! Now we know why!!!

Worse, soy products are proven DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for a vicious cancer outbreak, notably leukemia in children, who if they survive are destined to grow up to be gay. It is impossible to imagine anything more horrible than to have a child who survives cancer only to grow up and choose to be a homosexual.

Thankfully, Jim's research shows that soy sauce is perfectly safe because, "it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure." Before we move into the heartland to tear every soybean plant from the soil and burn them in a collective hellfire, we should calculate how many plants will be necessary to produce enough soy sauce for all those delicious. low priced and convenient Chinese dishes we have learned to enjoy.

If I'm not already on record with respect to this matter, suffice it to say that nothing threatens the continued vigor and growth of the copulation industry sector than homosexuality. And nothing threatens the fate of humanity, than a threat to copulation: As St. Paul should have said but apparently forgot, Nos concubitus proinde nos futurus.

We must NEVER forget what happened to the passenger pigeon!!

Since that fateful day when man first gave up his baculum so that God could create woman, oh! what I would give to have been there, he has endeavored tirelessly for well over 6,000 years to keep the 'black sheep' out of the human family. And with his gifts of knowledge, man eventually deduced this could be achieved by not copulating with pigmented women.

Good enough.

Now, thanks to Jim Rutz, we have a potent weapon to keep pink sheep out of our families: the soy-free diet plan, except for soy sauce. We will confidently enjoy watching all of our progeny grow up as white as they should be, completely free from worry they might turn into homosexuals. Not only that, we shake off this crucial threat to the propagation of our species!!!

In closing, I would like to simply encourage you to go to his website and read the Humble Autobiography of Jim Rutz. It is a truly remarkable, inspiring and deeply thrilling story. What an interesting man!! What a humble man!!!

If I had but one small criticism, its that I'd like for him to share some reflection and remembrance of his days as a zygote. Boy! Would that have been interesting!!

But, there I go into my petty "critique" mode again...LOL!! Truly, as he says, his influence is "accelerating faster and faster." I'd also be redundant if I said any more about him, so I think I'll slow down and stop and finish there.